Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you are new to my channel, my name is Stephanie
I am a life and relationship coach
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Thank you guys so much for joining me and for all of your love and support
This week. I want to dive into a great topic. It's the fear of confrontation
And if you are codependent if you don't have a strong sense of self if you don't have you know
Really healthy self confidence and you have to deal with someone who's narcissistic you have to deal with someone who's highly manipulative
Having this fear of confrontation can sometimes be really challenging and so in this video?
I want to give you some insight as to why you have this fear, and also the things that you can do to overcome
fearing
Basically verbally communicating with people on your standards
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Helping to really grow and build this channel so fear of confrontation, let's get into this
So people that have a fear of confrontation basically what it means is you get nervous scared anxious
Having to verbally communicate
Yourself your standards how you feel? What someone said that maybe hurt your feelings to other people?
So you are the person that never wants to rock the boat. You don't want people to think that you're too much too
Pushy, you know asking for too much
Being labeled as being difficult or too demanding or high-maintenance or like any of those words?
So you're the person that wants everything to be calm all the time
and you don't like to ruffle feathers and so you have a belief that if I confront someone with
Something that they did that upset me. I don't want to also upset them
I don't want them to feel bad because I've said this
You know this standard to them also these fears that we have on why we don't like to communicate with other people why?
Fear confrontation it comes back to basically the feeling about not enough
So if I have a fear that if I tell you what I think and how I feel I in my subconscious
My real fear is that you won't like me that you won't love me
That you'll abandon me that you don't validate me, right?
maybe you won't agree with what it is that I think and how I feel and I don't want to feel that type of
Disappointment and sorrow and uncomfortable feelings. So why do we have a fear of confrontation? This is really important
so if you grew up in a household where a couple of these things happen number one if there were a lot of
Times when discussions turn to arguments. So if you lived in a house whether it was mom or dad or sister, brother
Whoever doesn't matter where most of the time the example that you saw is that when people had a discussion it turned to a full-blown
argument where the
Two people in your life your role models didn't teach you how to have healthy?
Communication. So when you lived in a household where discussions became arguments all the time?
There was a lot of yelling going on there was a lot of talking over each other
That becomes your blueprint and so as an adult
Of course, we have logic as an adult to know that that wasn't okay that that's the example that we saw
but we don't know how to fix it because
You are a product of your environment. And so if that's what you saw and that became your blueprint, even though logically
You know that it's not okay oftentimes. We don't know how to fix it
We don't know how to change those behaviors that have been downloaded into us
The next reason why we fear confrontation is because we fear of what someone's reaction will be to what it is that we're saying
So the reason why we have this fear
The reason why we're scared of a reaction is one of two things
Number one we could have had an interaction with this person in the past and time and time again
They prove that
they completely blow up that they flip it on us that they become manipulative that they have told us that were too much that we're
You know high maintenance or our standards are too high
or maybe they invalidate us or
Perhaps we've never had a confrontation with this person before but we have all of these assumptions that were
Making which creates this story on?
This person's not gonna like you they might overreact they might get mad at you for what they say
You don't want to seem too pushy
and so you've created this story based on assumptions and that story is
controlling you from actually confronting this person on what you think of how you feel one of the things that's really
Important to understand when you don't stand up for yourself
When you don't confront other people what you're doing is essentially you're suppressing how you feel
You're basically putting someone else in front of yourself
When you suppress that part of yourself
It's going to manifest in other ways and you have to accept that
So it might manifest into anxiety it might manifest into panic stress
Depression or quite frankly you just becoming very resentful towards another person
Which is something that happens very very often in relationships
So then the next thing that's really important is you don't have confidence in your ability to communicate
so if I'm not confident with myself
If I don't really love myself if I haven't learned how to self-soothe
I haven't learned how to parent myself which I talk about in a lot of videos extensively if I haven't learned
how to
soothe myself that when someone
Doesn't validate me or someone says something that's hurtful or something that lets me down because I had an expectation that they were gonna say
Something that was gonna be positive and uplifting and loving and supportive if I don't know how to do all of that stuff for myself
Then I will never have confidence to be able to communicate
Anything to anyone else? I won't have confidence to be me and to show you who I am
I'll always be sluggish. I'll always be worried
I'll always have self-doubt that maybe perhaps if I say something that you won't like me that you'll lead me that you'll abandon me
Right. This is where the codependency comes into play. This is where
needing someone else to validate me to tell me that I'm enough or that when someone's trying to maybe
Manipulate me or take advantage of me or does something that hurts me or bothers me if I never say anything to anyone
Then I not taking care of myself and that's gonna always create more problems
Than if you just got the courage to actually tell someone what you think and how you feel
How do we begin to overcome this fear of confrontation?
And these are really important things that like I always say in all my videos all of this stuff that we talked about
These are practices
This isn't something that you're you know, it'll get easier the more you do it for sure
but you'll be challenged by another person that you might fear or feel uncomfortable to actually have this conversation with and it's a matter of
Constantly proving to yourself that hey I love myself
I'm gonna take care of myself and I have to be the person that takes care of myself stands up for myself
And can verbally communicate myself to other people because no one else is gonna do that for you
So you have to start being that person and here's the PS
People love that person the person that has healthy
self-confidence that they can talk to other people
With love not with arrogance just with self-acceptance and that they view themselves in such a way that they're not
intimidated to have those difficult conversations
That's the person that's attractive. That's the person that we want to be around. That's the energy that's contagious. So always working on yourself
While it feels great, right? That's where your happiness actually comes from
It's also that's the energy that we all want to be. That's the energy that we're attracted to
So if you're trying to find a great partner if you're trying to, you know have great friends in your life
Then you need to be the person that you want to attract. So learning how to take care of yourself and not fearing
telling people what you think and how you feel or
having a difficult conversation with someone that is
Constant validation that hey I am enough
I'm enough to have this uncomfortable conversation and no matter what happens throughout that
Conversation because we can't control how someone else is going to react we can only control our own emotional state
That is huge towards building yourself
Confidence towards proving to yourself. Look I did it. I
Confronted this person on something that I didn't want to and made me feel a little uncomfortable
Maybe they had a great reaction
Wonderful. Maybe they didn't and even if they didn't that still is another layer of the test to prove to yourself that okay
While they're giving me all this backlash. How do I stand up for myself? How do I you know, how do I basically validate myself?
Self-soothe, how do I create that bubble that bounces all that stuff off of me because it has nothing to do with me
They're just projecting all of their stuff onto me
all of these things are constant tests for you to practice this stuff of learning how to love yourself and
having that confidence in yourself
so the first thing that you have to do to overcome
The fear of confrontation is you have to get rid of all of the assumptions
so all of those assumptions that you're making on
Why you shouldn't have this conversation all the reasons why someone may be upset with you for saying what you're saying or?
Think that you're unreasonable for saying something that you have to say
All of that has to completely go out the window and just know all of those stories are coming from your ego because your ego
Doesn't want you to stand up for itself, you know
The ego is a tricky thing because on one hand when your ego is in the way it
Wants to prove itself to other people
Right and I'm gonna show you who I am
and this is where that that ego comes into play and also the the wounded self that part about ourselves is
Coming from that ego place as well in terms of it doesn't want you to be a different version of yourself
It doesn't want you to grow. It doesn't want you to be healthy
It likes where it's at because it never has to feel anything. It doesn't have to feel uncomfortable
It doesn't have to stretch yourself to grow and to be a better version of yourself, right?
So because we have that scared part of ourselves, that doesn't want to push us out of our comfort
Zone so we can grow and get better
It's going to tell you stories as to why you shouldn't do this why you should fear actually having this conversation with this person
but the reality is is that no matter what the reaction is from someone else whether it's if it's supportive and and loving
Great, but if it's not
That isn't your concern your concern is learning how to take care of yourself
So if someone gets a by something that you say or quite frankly, they just don't want to hear what you have to say
That's not your problem
that's their problem to tend to whatever feelings of disappointment or anger or whatever are going on inside of them your
Responsibility is to be able to verbally communicate other people your standards and relationships
What you will do what you will not do what you will tolerate what you will not tolerate remember
confronting other people is
Self-care that is self-care 101 because you cannot suppress what it is that you really feel
So if you have a fear of confrontation, no matter what the confrontation is, whether it's just saying hey
You know when you did this it kind of upset me and I really got offended by something that you said whether it's hey you
Know you're always 15 minutes late and that tends to really bother me because I'm a punctual person and I deem that
Disrespectful whatever your set of values are whatever your standards
Are you communicating that to other people that is you loving yourself?
That is self-care. And when we don't do that, like I said, we're suppressing that part of ourselves
We're putting someone else's own needs and wants and what they want to do in front of ourselves, and we're teaching people
essentially how they can treat us and what will tolerate and if we never communicate these standards with people if we never
Confront anyone then. You're always going to get abused. That just is the reality of life
So one of the things that I always suggest that people do is write down what you want to say, you know, maybe not necessarily
Journaling it, but if you want to go right ahead, but it's it's important to kind of clear your mind and figure out
Okay. Well, what are the points that I want to make number one?
we want to talk about what it is that happen that maybe I didn't like or or
Something that may have upset me
We want to kind of go there in that conversation so we can show someone
Hey when you did this when you said this this is what bothered me and always using eyes
Statements because we don't want to blame someone else. We don't want to put accuse anyone of anything
We just want to talk about how something made us feel the next thing. That is huge
We're confronting someone is we can tell someone all day long. Hey this bothered me
Hey, I didn't like it when you did this or this situation made me feel uncomfortable
Whatever the scenario is, but we have to also teach people what we actually would like from them
so a lot of the times when I'm talking about boundaries with clients they struggle with
Teaching someone. Okay when you did this it bothered me
but they don't ever tell them what they would have liked them to actually do so this is you really
Showing someone verbally
Communicating with someone on what it is that you will tolerate and giving examples
you know instead of being 15 minutes late because I it really bothers me and I think it's
Disrespectful for me. What I would love is 15 minutes before, you know, you're going to be late
Shoot me attacks and just let me know. Hey, I'm running late. I'm so sorry
I'll be there at whatever ten past eleven. So teaching people not just saying
hey when you did this it bothered me and getting all defensive and getting emotionally charged up but being able to call and
Communicate yourself with other people that shows an enormous amount of self love and confidence and yourself
So I hope that you will practice these techniques think about this video watch it time and time again
If you need to please leave any comments down below. I love to hear from you guys
Please don't forget to hit subscribe and click on the notification bell as well. And I will see you in my next video