Hey guys.
So, I just saw a clip
of Brené Brown talking about negotiating
and I thought, wow, that was like a super wow factor on
So, stay tuned and I'm going to share it with you.
Hey there, so I'm Rebecca Zung
and as many of you know,
I'm an attorney and I am a narcissist negotiation expert.
I've written a couple of bestselling books.
And my mission on this planet
is to give you the tools and resources that you need
in order to be able
to negotiate powerfully with narcissists.
If you're having to deal with, manage, communicate with,
or actually have negotiations with narcissists,
then this is the right place for you.
So, go ahead and subscribe to my channel
and hit that notification bell,
and that way you'll get notified when I upload new videos.
So, let's talk about this Brené Brown
and her epic advice for negotiating.
And it definitely works with narcissists too.
So, she was referring
to a book called "Braving The Wilderness"
and here's what she said.
She said, "Don't walk through the world looking for evidence
that you don't belong
because you will find it.
Don't walk through the world looking for evidence
that you're not enough,
because once again, you will find it.
Our worth and our belonging
are not negotiated with other people.
They should never be negotiated with other people.
We carry those inside of our hearts.
That is who we are."
And so she went on to say,
"I know who I am.
I'm clear about that and I'm not negotiating that with you.
That's not something that can be negotiated.
That's like hard stop right there, zero-tolerance policy."
And she went on to say,
"I will negotiate a contract with you.
I may even negotiate an issue with you or a topic with you,
but I'm not going to negotiate who I am with you."
And she said, "Because if I do that,
I may fit in for you, it may work out for you,
but I'm no longer belonging to myself."
And she's really referring
to having integrity around who she is for herself.
And that is a betrayal
I'm not willing to do, betraying myself.
And it really comes down to,
I always joke, but people know, people in my inner circle,
they know that I'm not joking,
that integrity is my love language
because without integrity, nothing works.
And so, you have to have integrity,
not only with how you act and show up in the world
and doing what you say you're going to do
and all of those things, but also integrity to yourself
and who you actually are going to be with yourself.
And for any of you who listen to the podcast version
of my interviews, you know that right in my introduction,
I actually say, negotiating isn't just something
that we do like for a car, or for a pay raise,
or for a house, or a divorce, or whatever it is.
Negotiating is something that we're doing all day long.
And sometimes we're even negotiating
with our own self for our own self-worth.
And we're negotiating within our head
and trying to show up for ourselves in the form
of the person that we want to believe that we are.
And so, when you go to negotiate
with a person and you start negotiating things
like that really kind of become like your internal value,
then that's just not okay.
And let me just explain to you what I mean
by the difference between internal value and external value.
So, we all want to feel seen, heard, and valued
as human beings.
That's part of the human experience.
That doesn't make you a narcissist, that makes you a human.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And so, as a human being, things, we come into the world
as babies and we feel pretty good about ourselves, right?
I mean, we just are there and it's all good.
And as long as, you know,
we get fed and our diapers get changed,
we pretty much feel like we belong here.
It's not until the world starts eroding at us
and working on us and we start getting tossed about
in the ocean for quite a bit and beat up
that we start to draw conclusions and go,
"Well, maybe I'm not good enough.
Or maybe this isn't, I don't belong here" or whatever.
And so, that's where our internal value starts
to get eroded.
And what I want you to know is
that your internal value is whole and complete.
That you are meant to be here.
That there's not another you on the planet.
And not only that, there never has been another you
and there never will be another you.
The chances of those bajillian sperm finding that one egg
and fertilizing that egg,
it's kind of like a miracle
that any of us are here in a lot of ways.
So, you're totally meant to be here.
You are a gift.
You are a gift from the universe.
Your soul chose to come here and you're meant be here.
And so, you have inherent value
and that can never be negotiated, ever.
What is more difficult to understand sometimes
is the difference between internal value and external value.
And what I mean by external value is
in the world, if you are negotiating for anything
with regard to your career, or your house, whatever it is,
there is a set value, or there might be a range of value.
So, if you are a software engineer, for example,
how much you can be paid
as a software engineer might be different depending
on your background, your experience, your education,
any certifications you have,
the types of companies you've worked for,
the geographical area in which you live,
the size of the company that you're looking at.
There's lots of different things that can be looked at
that come up with a range of what is
a generally acceptable salary for a software engineer.
That's your external value
and that's really, really different.
But, what happens with narcissists
is they constantly are testing you.
They're constantly testing to, you know,
do you have value or do you not have value?
And they try to weaken you
and destabilize you so that you don't feel
like you have any value internally or externally
and that's a tactic that they use
in order to gain control over you.
And if you want to know about how narcissists test you,
definitely check out my video
on how narcissists test their victims,
but that's definitely one of the ways.
So, how you show up for yourself
in these conversations is not just a thing,
it's kinda like everything.
I mean, you need to show up for yourself
and you need to have integrity about that.
Like, if you decide that you're going to show up for yourself,
you gotta show up for yourself.
And here's another little piece
of advice I'm going to give you.
And this was one of the things that was something
that I learned a long time ago
when I was negotiating something.
And that is
And let me tell you, these narcissists,
they smell blood in the water.
So, if they sense that fear,
if they sense that you're uncertain,
if they sense that you're intimidated by them at all,
number one, they know.
And number two, they get supply from it.
And number three, you're not going to get what you want
by doing that.
So, the first thing you need to do
is disengage, feel your own value,
know that you are worthy
and going back to the Brené conversation,
"I'll negotiate my pay with you.
I'll negotiate a contract with you.
I'll negotiate this house with you.
I'll negotiate the divorce settlement terms with you.
I'm not negotiating for my self-worth, or who I am,
or who I'm showing up to be in this negotiation.
If you want to personally attack me,
if you want to try to gaslight me, belittle me,
project your problems onto me,
any of those things, not negotiable.
We don't have to have this conversation right now."
And you don't even have to be disagreeable.
You can just say, "I understand.
I can see that you're upset.
I see that you are unhappy
with the way things are going, fine.
We can have this conversation
when you're ready to have it with me
when you can be respectful."
Because you define how people will treat you.
No one else will.
Only you.
So, I heard a quote recently which I thought was fantastic.
"You don't get your goals, you get your standards."
So, you need to set the standard for yourself.
People will think what you tell them to think.
And I want you to know, by the way, that you matter
and if you are so ready to feel seen, heard, and know
that you matter in every single interaction that you have,
I want you to start right now by writing, I matter,
in the comments below.
Know your value.
And one of the ways that you can know your value
is by starting to do the work,
especially when you're getting ready to negotiate.
And if that's you, if you're getting ready to negotiate
in any way, shape, or form, grab my free
"Crush My Negotiation" prep worksheet at
it's totally free.
It's basically an ebook and it's all yours for free.
Just go to winmynegotiation.com.
I also have a free private Facebook group.
It's called Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung
and there are lots and lots of people
in there that are supporting each other, helping each other,
and giving each other ideas and just being there.
And it's so nice when you are dealing
with narcissists to know
that you are not alone and you are definitely not alone.
We are totally here to support you.
So come join me in my free private Facebook group as well.
And if you like this video, give it a like,
give it a share.
Drop me that comment.
I want to see, I matter, in the comments.
And if you haven't subscribed to my channel,
now is a great time to do that.
Subscribe, hit that notification bell,
and remember that today is a great day
to start negotiating your best life
and I will see you in the next video.