LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'LL BE THRILLED TO KNOW THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S BORDER WALL IS BACK IN THE NEWS.
BECAUSE WHILE SPEAKING TO THE HISPANIC CAUCUS IN WASHINGTON
YESTERDAY, CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY TOLD LAWMAKERS THAT WHEN
TRUMP PROMISED VOTERS A MEXICAN BORDER WALL DURING HIS CAMPAIGN,
HE HAD NOT BEEN QUOTE, FULLY INFORMED.
(LAUGHTER) NOW TO BE FAIR, NOT FULLY
INFORMED COULD DESCRIBE LITERALLY ANY STATEMENT TRUMP
HAS MADE SINCE 2003.
(LAUGHTER) NOW TRUMP IMMEDIATELY SHOT BACK
AT THIS SAYING HIS PLAN FOR A BORDER WALL REMAINS THE SAME.
HE TWEETED THE WALL IS THE WALL.
IT HAS NEVER CHANGED OR EVOLVED FROM THE FIRST DAY I CONCEIVED
OF IT.
GREAT, NOW HE THINKS HE INVENTED WALLS.
(LAUGHTER) THE WALL IS THE WALL.
IT SOUNDS LIKE MARK WAHLBERG REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE
THIRD PERSON.
(LAUGHTER) NOW I CAN'T BELIEVE TRUMP AND
HIS CHIEF OF STAFF ARE FIGHTING IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS.
BUT I GOT TO SAY, WHAT I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IS
WHAT NICKNAME TRUMP IS GOING TO USE WHEN EVENTUALLY ATTACKS
GENERAL KELLY ON TWITTER.
LIKE I'M FASCINATED TO KNOW.
RIGHT NOW MY MONEY IS ON SMELLEE KELLY.
BUT I SHOULD SAY IF YOU ARE A BETTING PERSON, HERE ARE THE
CURRENT VEG AS ODDS RIGHT NOW, JELLY BELLY KELLY IS THE 2-1.
WHILE JOHN, THE JOHN AS IN TOILET KELLY, 6 TO 16789 I GOT
TO SAY, A DARK HORSE, AT 11 TO ONE IS KELLY-ANN JOHNWAY.
AND AT 16 TO 1, GAINING PACE, IT IS GENITAL JOHN KELLY.
SO PLACE YOUR BETS, GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
NOW NOW MORE NEWS ABOUT TRUMP'S PHYSICAL FITNESS TODAY.
AFTER HIS DOCTOR EARLIER THIS WEEK SAID THAT HE WOULD
RECOMMEND TRUMP EXERCISE MORE, THE PRESIDENT SAID YESTERDAY
THAT HE GETS, QUOTE, MORE EXERCISE THAN PEOPLE THINK.
(LAUGHTER) DOES HE?
I AM NOT SURE BACK PEDALING ON CAMPAIGN PROMISES COUNTS AS
EXERCISE.
(APPLAUSE) ALTHOUGH, ALTHOUGH, MANY DOCTORS
AGREE THAT TRUMP TWEETS SO FURIOUSLY, IT TECHNICALLY COUNTS
AS CARDIO.
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP WENT ON TO SAY, AND I
PROMISE YOU THIS IS A REAL QUOTE, HE SAID I GET EXERCISE, I
MEAN, I WALK, I THIS, I THAT.
(LAUGHTER) HE IS SO LAZY HE DOESN'T EVEN
LIE IN COMPLETE SENTENCES ANY MORE.
(LAUGHTER) FINALLY, FINALLY, GUYS, AND
UNFORTUNATELY, IN TOUCH MAGAZINE IS SET TO DROP A 5,000 WORD
INTERVIEW WITH PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS ABOUT A 2006 AFFAIR WHEN
SHE ALLEGEDLY HAD SEX WITH DONALD TRUMP.
I KNOW.
ALL 5,000 OF THOSE WORDS ARE EW, EW, EW, EW.
(LAUGHTER) IN THE INTERVIEW STORMY DANIELS
DESCRIBED THE SEX BY SAYING QUOTE, IT WAS ONE POSITION, WHAT
WOULD YOU EXPECT SOMEONE HIS AGE TO DO.
(LAUGHTER) WHAT WE EXPECT SOMEONE HIS AGE
TO DO IS NOT HAVE SEX WITH PORN STARS.
AND ACCORDING TO DANIELS TRUMP ASKED HER TO SIGN A DVD COPY OF
ONE OF HER PORN FILMS, WHICH MEANS TRUMP'S PRESIDENTIAL
LIBRARY IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE IN HISTORY WITH AN 18 AND
OVER SECTION.
(LAUGHTER) AND THEN TODAY, AND I'M NOT SURE
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, IT WAS REVEALED THAT TRUMP ALLEGEDLY
ASKED STORMY DANIELS TO SPANK HIM WITH A FORBES MAGAZINE.
IT GETS WORSE.
IT HAD A PICTURE OF TRUMP, DONALD, JR. AND IVANKA ON THE
COVER.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TIFFANY TRUMP WAS RELIEVED NOT TO BE
INCLUDED IN A FAMILY PHOTO.
NOW IN LIGHT OF ALL THESE DETAILS, TRUMP HAS ACTUALLY,
HE'S COME OUT AND HE HAS RELEASED A BRAND FLU HAT.
WE'VE GOT IT HERE.
MAKE AMERICA GAG AGAIN.