Speaking of fights over the weekend,
the really big one was when Gigi Hadid
called Jake Paul irrelevant
after he claimed her boyfriend Zayn Malik
tried to start a fight with him.
If you're lost, um, Gigi Hadid is a model,
uh, Jake Paul is a YouTuber,
and Zayn Malik is a singer that dates a model.
-(laughter) -So, I mean, I'm trying to really simplify it,
but it's very complicated.
Do you follow anything that's going on here?
This was at that fight, right? This was at the...
-Oh, I think it was at the fight, yeah. -Yeah.
So, I mean, I feel bad for the two boxers
working their whole lives out in the gym, and like,
"Who's in the crowd? De Niro?"
They're like, "No, Zayn Malik. The...
tambourine player from One Direction's out there."
(laughter, applause)
Do you know these guys?
I swear to you I have no idea
who either one... three of them are.
This is... this is not the type of stuff we talk about
-in the barbershop-- we don't go... -(laughter)
This just shows how much Vegas has changed.
'Cause Tyson fights, Tupac gets killed.
-(laughter) -Tyson Fury fights,
these three white people are arguing with each other.
-(laughter) -Arguing.
(applause)
-Well... -Never fight with, like, a hot millennial model.
She wouldn't let it go. She's like, "You're irrelevant
and ugly and go to bed."
I'm like, "Aw, God, leave the poor guy alone. Geez."
Yeah. Is it bad when the girl sticks up for you?
-Yeah. -No, no. -No, it's hot.
Not if you're wearing that jacket.
(laughter)
My mom got this on QVC two weeks ago.
And now it's cool. She was two weeks ahead of it.
I think I had that comforter on my bed when I was...
Yeah, I know, it's a little throw.
Well, I think, you know,
she-she actually got a pretty solid burn in. 'Cause she goes,
"You and your little irrelevant YouTuber squad.
Sorry he didn't want to hang out with you."
-And I was like, "Oh, man." Because... -(laughter)
he's in One Direction, but out of those bands,
you know, they're kind of pussies.
I mean, kind of. Because I'm--
being a pussy, I can talk about this.
Because they got rid of, uh, Harry Styles
because he got a gym membership.
-That's how... He wanted pecs. -Is that why?
And they had to-- whatever.
All right, we'll move on,
because no one knows what's going on.
Okay, in other "what's going on" news,
an FIT runway show is under fire for pressuring the models
to wear... they say racist accessories.
One black model refused to wear them, and, uh,
I think all this talk about racism is distracting
from the real story here.
-The dresses were so last-year. Um... -(laughter)
Look at these weirdo dresses, too.
I don't know what the worst part of this is.
-Nice leg. -And the rest of it, who knows what's that.
Why don't they just get ugly people
if they want the models to look...
-That's a great idea. -I'll let my stache grow in.
-You know? -Why ugly them up?
-Yeah. -It's more of a Mr. Potato Head situation.
-Yeah. -(laughter)
Aah! There's more!
They're multiplying, like the coronavirus.
-Wow. -Listen, listen, white people, listen.
-(laughter) -Let him talk.
If a black woman tells you something is racist,
-believe her. -Yes. -(laughter)
Our eye for racism...
our eye for racism beats your eye for fashion.
-That's true. -This is like when you get
one of those caricatures done of yourself
at the amusement park, and they highlight
every one of your faults that you're trying to get over.
You're like, "Oh, thanks. Here's 20 bucks
for making me feel horrible about my nose."
I thought more mouse ears than anything.
But... but also, you're right, if-if she complains,
-stop right there. -Right. -Yeah.
A black model says, "I don't like this,"
go, "We're pushing through!"
You know, like, it's all gonna end in tears.
Apparently, the designer, they were supposed to wear earrings.
The earrings had not shown up, and the designer panicked,
and said, "Run out and get... get me some ears!
Some giant ears. Eyebrows. Lips. Something!"
Well, in surprising news, Steven Spielberg's daughter
has apparently gone into porn.
"Porno," as I say, 'cause I'm old.
Uh, Spielberg says he's supportive,
which is really all you can say.
You know? You can't... you can't say, "Gross!"
You know, you can't say anything.
You have to be like, "I'm so proud.
This is so great."
So... But it's definitely...
And we're not gonna do any Your Ass Licked Park jokes.
We refuse.
We're not doing Schindler's Fist.
We refuse. We're not.
'Cause that's not the kind of show this is.
-What-what... -Oh, this is... this is not that show.
-No. -But wait. We are gonna do
Saving My Privates for Ryan, though, right?
SPADE: That one...
-I-I... -Thank you.
(cheering and applause)
I heard E... I heard E.T. phoned home
and said, "Let me talk to that hot porno daughter of yours."
(laughter and applause)
-E.T. wanted in on it? -Yeah, E.T.
-(laughs) Okay. -That was my E.T. impression.
-What, you waiting for mine? -Yeah, sure.
We're not doing Amistad. We're doing I'm-a (bleep).
(laughter)
-But it's his adopted daughter. -(laughs)
-It's his adopted daughter. -Yes. -Yeah.
So, in true moviemaking fashion,
just adopt another daughter.
Give her the same name.
-FRANJOLA: Yeah. -Have a sequel.
SPADE: Yeah.
(laughter and applause)
Yeah.
And we're not even... we're not even telling people her name,
and everyone's freaking out. They want to search for her.