One of the paradoxes of the dating game is that we know that by coming across as
enthusiastic at an early stage
If we bring them the next day if we're open about how attractive we find them if we suggest meeting them again very soon
we are putting ourselves at a high risk of
disgusting the very person we would so like to build a relationship with
It is in order to counter this risk that early on in our dating lives
we are taught by well-meaning friends to adopt a facade of cruel and
indifference we become experts are deliberately not phoning or sending messages are treating our dates in a
Carefully offhand manner and in subtly pretending we don't much care if we never cross their paths again
we are told that the only way to get them to care about us is to pretend not to care for them and
in the process
We waste a lot of time
We may lose them altogether and we have to suffer the indignity of denying that we feel a desire that should never have been
associated with shame in the first place
But we can find a way out of the conundrum by drilling deeper into the philosophy
That underpins the well flagged danger of being overly eager
Why is detachment so often recommended? Why are we not meant to call too soon?
High levels of enthusiasm are generally not recommended for one central reason because they have been equated with what is a true
Psychological problem manic dependence in other words calling too soon has become a symbol of weakness
Desperation and the inability to deal adequately with life's challenges
without the constant support of a lover whose real identity the manically keen party doesn't much care about
Because their underlying priority is to ensure that they're never alone without someone
Rather than with any one being in particular
But we should note that what is ultimately the problem is manic dependence not
high enthusiasm
The difficulty is that our cultural narratives have unfairly glued
These two elements together with an unnecessarily strong a none budging kind of adhesive yet
There should logically be an option to disentangle the two strands that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm
And at the same time not thereby to imply manic dependence
there should be an option to appear at once very keen and
very sane
The ability to do so depends on a little-known emotional art to which we seldom have recourse or introduction
We call it strong
Vulnerability the strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions who manages carefully to unite on the one hand
self-confidence and independence and on the other a capacity for closeness self revelation and
honesty
It is a balancing act the strongly vulnerable know how to confess with authority to a sense of feeling small
They can sound in control even while revealing that they have an impression of being lost
They can talk as adults about their childlike dimensions
they can be unfrightening at the same time as admitting to their own fears and
they can tell us of their immense desire for us while simultaneously
Leaving us under the impression that they could fully survive a frank rejection. They would love to build a life with us
They imply but they could very quickly and adroitly find something else to do if that didn't sound much like fun from our side
In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak of their desire for us. We sense a beguiling mixture of candor and
Independence, they don't need to play it cool because they carry off high enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the dangers
That playing cool has traditionally and nefariously been associated with what is off-putting
Is never in fact that someone likes us
What is frightening is that they seem in danger of having no options other than us of not being able to survive without us
manic dependence not
Enthusiasm is only ever the problem with this distinction in mind. We should to tell those we like that
we're really extremely keen to see them again perhaps as early as tomorrow night and find them exceptionally marvelous while simultaneously
Leaving them in no doubt that we could if the answer were no
without trouble and at high speed find some equally enchanting people to play with and be bewitched by
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To learn more about love try our book on how to find love
Which explains why we have the types we do and how our early experiences shape how and whom we love