BUT THERE ARE JUST SO MANY STORIES OUT THERE, I CAN'T
POSSIBLY TALK ABOUT THEM ALL.
LUCKILY, I DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE ANY MORE BECAUSE I'M
RELINQUISHING EDITORIAL CONTROL IN MY NEW SEGMENT:
( AUDIENCE ) WHEEL!
OF!
NEWS!
♪ ♪
♪ >> STEPHEN: HERE'S HOW THIS
WORKS.
WE'VE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES --
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) -- WITH CATEGORIES
LIKE "ENTERTAINMENT," "POLITICS, "SPORTS," AND "GUACAMOLE."
(LAUGHTER) THOUGH IF IT LANDS ON GUACAMOLE,
THAT IS FIFTY CENTS EXTRA.
WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT
WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON.
HERE'S THE THING.
I DIDN'T GIVE THE GUYS ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH THE DOME.
TOTALLY MY FAULT.
SO HERE IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.
SO THIS GUY HOLDING THE POLE RIGHT HERE --
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THIS IS BRENDAN HURLEY.
SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!
(CHEERING) BRENDAN IS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK,
ITHE BERNIE SANDERS THING THE OTHER NIGHT, HE WAS UNDER THE
DESK FEEDING ME SANDWICHES ON PLATES.
BRENDAN IS ALSO A SCENIC ON THE SHOW, AND SINCE WE CAN'T GET THE
DOME TO WORK RIGHT TONIGHT, HE'S GOING TO HELP ME WITH THE MODEL
WE BASED THE DOME ON, THIS SPINNING WHEEL.
WE'RE GOING TO USE THE MODEL IT WAS BASED ON TO DO THIS TONIGHT
I'M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL AND WHEN IT STOPS, I'LL DO THE
THING.
YOU GUYS READY TO PLAY?
(CHEERING) SHOW BUSINESS!
(LAUGHTER) YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CLICKY
SOUND.
>> OKAY.
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK...
TICK...
TICK.
>> Stephen: KEEP TICKING.
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK...
TICK LIS...
TICK...
>> Stephen: OKAY.
IT LANDED ON "CHEESE NEWS."
>> DING, DING, DING, DING!
>> Stephen: THE LATEST HARD OR EVEN SEMISOFT NEWS ABOUT
KURDLEED DAIRY.
THIS WEEK, A SHOCKING DISCOVERY FROM THE PARMESAN WARS, BECAUSE
THE U.S.D.A. REVEALED THAT SOME CHEESE SUPPLIERS OF GRATED
PARMESAN CHEESE HAVE BEEN ADDING WOOD PULP.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) IS THATHAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOUR PARMESAN IS SPORTING WOOD.
NOW THEY EXPLAIN THIS WOOD PULP IS JUST CELLULOSE WHICH IS USED
AS AN ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT.
AND SURE, "A LITTLE ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT NEVER HURT
ANYONE."
BUT SOMETIMES IT IS A LOT OF IT.
A SAMPLE OF PARMESAN FROM ONE GROCERY CHAIN WAS 8.8% WOOD
PULP.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOUR LASAGNA IS AS STURDY AS AN IKEA
BOOKSHELF.
NOW PERSONALLY, I AM OUTRAGED BY THIS BREACH OF TRUST.
I DON'T CHECK ON WHAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS
ASSUMED SOMEONE DOES.
NOW!
MORE NEWS!
OKAY.
HOLD ON.
YOU SPIN IT.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT PULLS THE LEVER?
GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND.
READY IN OKAY!
>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!
>> Stephen: OH, OH, OH!
OH, LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE MINI CLUBMAN INTEGRATION.
O, IT LANDS ON "MENTAL HEALTH." >> DING, DING, DING, DING!
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: OKAY.
GREAT, THIS IS A TOPIC THAT IS NOT COVERED ENOUGH IN THE MEDIA,
AND IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SHINE A LIGHT ON IT.
A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT LIKE...
THE INTERIOR AMBIENT LIGHTING MOLDED INTO THE 2016 MINI
CLUBMAN DOORS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THAT'S IT FOR "MENTAL
HEALTH."
LET'S SPIN AGAIN!
>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK...
TICK...
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY,
PEOPLE WHO ARE SIGNIFICANTLY OVERWEIGHT MAY PERCEIVE
DISTANCES AS BEING GREATER THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE.
WHICH EXPLAINS THE OLD JOKE "YO MAMMA IS SO FAT, HER DEPTH
PERCEPTION IS WILDLY INACCURATE."
(LAUGHTER) LET'S SPIN AGAIN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK, TICK, TICK...
>> Stephen: CLICK WITHOUT CONTEXT!
JIM!
(BARKING) LET'S SPIN AGAIN!
I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR BEING WITH ME AT THIS MOMENT.
WHICH ONE IS THIS ONE?
"SWITCHBLADE LAWS!" LIKE MOST KNIFE NEWS, THIS ONE
COMES FROM WISCONSIN.
>> GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER PUT PEN TO PAPER TODAY TO SIGN NEW
LEGISLATION LIFTING THE BAN ON CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES.
THE GOVERNOR SAYS IT'S A MEASURE PROTECTING FREEDOM SUPPORTED BY
THE CONSTITUTION.
THE BAN ON SWITCHBLADES HAD BEEN IN EFFECT SINCE THE 1950S.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
SCOTT WALKER HAS LIFTED WISCONSIN'S 60-YEAR-OLD BAN ON
CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES.
I APPLAUD THE GOVERNOR; SWITCHBLADES ARE THE IMPORTANT
ISSUE OF 2016.
BECAUSE LET'S SAY YOU ARE JUST CRUISING DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP
WITH YOUR BEST GAL, ONLY TO RUN INTO SOME TOUGHS WHO WANT TO
RACE YOU FOR THE PINKS TO YOUR T-BIRD.
YOU HAVE GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TAKE OUT YOUR BLADE AND
SLICE THAT LETTER RIGHT OFF HIS VARSITY JACKET.
REMEMBER, RUMBLES CAN HAPPEN ANYTIME, ANYWHERE -- SOCK HOPS,
FIVE-AND-DIMES, THE OLD AQUEDUCT, JIMMY'S GARAGE WHERE
THEY LET YOU SMOKE AFTER SCHOOL.
WITHOUT YOUR BLADE, YOU COULD END UP DEADSVILLE, DADDY-O.
KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU ARE NEW TO IT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO TOSS IT
FROM HAND TO HAND.
THAT WAY THEY NEVER KNOW WHICH HAND YOU ARE COMING AT THEM
WITH.
GIMME NEWS...
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> TICK, TICK, TICK.
TICK, TICK, TICK.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO WARN OUR AFFILIATES, WE MIGHT BE GOING
LONG.
>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.
>> Stephen: NATIONAL MONUMENTS!
>> NATIONAL MONUMENTS?
TICK, TICK, DING!
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THE NATIONAL PARK
SERVICE SAYS A PHILANTHROPIST IS DONATING $18.5
MILLION TO HELP RESTORE THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL.
HOPEFULLY, THAT IS ENOUGH TO MAKE LINCOLN STAND UP AND
TALK -- LIKE HE DOES AT DISNEY WORLD.
PERSONALLY, I THINK THE MONEY WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON THE
WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
THAT THING LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIM.
THERE YOU GO.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LET'S PRETEND I SPUN IT!
>> TICK, TICK, TICK!
>> Stephen: FIVE SECOND SAXOPHONE SOLO, HIT IT, EDDY!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: MORE NEWS!
"A RECENT STUDY!" AGAIN.
A RECENT STUDY SAYS HUMANS AND NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED 50,000
YEARS EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, PROVING SOMETHING ELSE
IS 50,000 YEARS OLDER THAN WE THOUGHT: BEER GOGGLES.
(LAUGHTER) WANT TO TRY?
WE'RE GOING FOR ENTERTAINMENT.
>> TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK...
TICK...
TICK, TICK...
>> Stephen: I'VE GONE AROUND ALL THE WAY ONCE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S ON HERE!
>> DING!
>> Stephen: THERE IT IS!
ENTERTAINMENT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE OSCAR PRODUCERS ARE NOW
PROMISING THAT THIS TELECAST WILL BE "THE MOST DIVERSE EVER."
THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE OF EVERY RACE, COLOR, AND CREED WILL BE
ON HAND TO GIVE A TROPHY TO WHATEVER WHITE PERSON WINS.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S IT,
FOLKS!
LET'S GIVE IT ONE MORE SPIN!
IT BETTER BE ON HERE!
I DON'T KNOW!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THERE IT IS!
READY?
OH!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
PERFECT!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TEÉA LEONI!