THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TOWN HERE UP THERE OUT THERE, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS MARCH WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MARCH 24TH OR
SOMETHING? 27TH.
MARCH 27TH. GOT TO GET A NEW CALENDAR.
IT IS OUR FIRST SHOW BACK FROM SPRING BREAK.
WHAT I MISSED? DID ANYONE GET INDICTED?
DID ANYONE GO ANYWHERE FUN, LIKE JAIL?
OKAY. YOU'LL RECALL THAT PREVIOUSLY
ON "THE LATE SHOW," MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY ALVIN
BRAGG WAS EXPECTED TO BRING CHARGES AGAINST
THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOR AN ALLEGED HUSH
MONEY PAYMENT TO PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS,
WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM THE FIRST FORMER PRESIDENT
EVER TO BE CRIMINALLY INDICTED. ALTHOUGH MOST HISTORIANS AGREE
MARTIN VAN BUREN SHOULD'VE GONE TO JAIL FOR THIS HAIRCUT.
MM-HMM. THIS INDICTMENT WAS SUCH A SURE
THING THAT THE TARGET OF THE INVESTIGATION POSTED THIS
ON TRUTH SOCIAL. "THE FAR AND AWAY LEADING
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE AND FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL BE ARRESTED ON
TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK." EVERYONE.
I KNOW. EVERYONE WAS SO EXCITED.
BUT, ALAS, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. MAKING THIS HIS MOST INACCURATE
FORECAST SINCE EVERY TIME HE SAID, "TILL DEATH DO US PART."
IN HIS POSTS, SURE. THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO
ENCOURAGED HIS SUPPORTERS TO "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK"
AND WARNED THAT HIS ARREST COULD BRING ABOUT "POTENTIAL DEATH
AND DESTRUCTION." WHAT?
AGAIN! HE WANTS A SEQUEL
TO JANUARY 6TH WITH THE PROTESTS AND THE VIOLENCE,
AND THE... I'M SORRY.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? >> THE POO-POO.
>> THANK YOU, MADAM SPEAKER.
SO DELICATE. THE PROTESTS WERE PERHAPS NOT AS
LARGE AS HE HAD CALLED FOR. 'CAUSE THIS IS IT.
IT'S LESS "JAN 6TH" AND MORE "JAN AND 6 OF HER FRIENDS."
ONE REPORTER DESCRIBED IT BY SAYING, "IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF
CAMERAS TAKING A PICTURE OF A GUY WHO IS PUTTING ON A RAT
SUIT NEXT TO A GUITAR WITH THE WORDS 'HANG FAUCI' ON IT."
SO RUDY WAS THERE? THE RAT SUIT?
WAS THAT THE RAT SUIT? AT A RALLY THIS WEEKEND,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ADDRESSED HIS LEGAL TROUBLES.
>> AND YET AFTER GOING OVER 11 MILLION PAGES OF DOCUMENTS,
I BUILT A GREAT COMPANY, THEY'VE GOT NOTHING.
THEY'VE GOT NOTHING. IT PROBABLY MAKES ME THE MOST
INNOCENT MAN IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY,
FRIENDS OF MINE SAY THAT. >> Stephen: THOSE HAVE GOTTA BE
THE TWO BIGGEST LIES HE'S EVER TOLD.
HE IS THE MOST INNOCENT MAN IN HISTORY.
AND THAT HE HAS FRIEND. THIS RALLY WAS HELD IN WACO,
TEXAS ON SATURDAY. AND INSTEAD OF SOMEONE SINGING
THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, THE RALLY BEGAN
WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE RISE AND PLACE YOUR HAND OVER YOUR HEART FOR THE
NUMBER ONE NUMBER ONE SONG ON ITUNES,
AMAZON, AND THE BILLBOARD CHARTS,
"JUSTICE FOR ALL" FEATURING DONALD J. TRUMP
AND THE J6 CHOIR. >> Stephen: NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD OF THEM, "THE J6 CHOIR" IS MADE UP OF
A GROUP OF INMATES WHO ARE IN PRISON FOR THEIR ACTIONS IN THE
JANUARY 6TH RIOT. IT'S THE HOTTEST MUSICAL-PRISON
CROSSOVER SINCE MANSON AND GARFUNKEL.
SURE. HE CAN SING.
SANG WITH THE BEACH BOYS. ONE QUIBBLE.
"JUSTICE FOR ALL" IS NOT ACTUALLY THE TOP SONG ON
STREAMING PLATFORMS OR THE REAL BILLBOARD CHARTS.
IT'S THE TOP SONG THAT PEOPLE ARE PAYING TO DOWNLOAD ON
ITUNES BECAUSE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN DON'T LIKE THEM
ENOUGH TO HELP THEM SET UP SPOTIFY.
THAT DIDN'T STOP THE FORMER PRESIDENT FROM REPEATING
THE CLAIM. >> THAT SONG TELLS YOU A LOT
BECAUSE IT'S NUMBER ONE IN EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY.
NUMBER TWO WAS TAYLOR SWIFT. NUMBER THREE WAS MOLLY CYRUS.
>> Stephen: YES, MOLLY CYRUS. AND OF COURSE, HER ALTER EGO,
HERNA MARNTERNA. HERNA MARNTERNA.
DIANA IDAHO. JERMAINE MAIN.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MAIN COMPETITION FOR THE GOP
NOMINATION REMAINS FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT BELIEVES DeSANTIS OWES HIM HIS
CAREER, AND RECOUNTED THE MOMENT IN 2018 WHEN THE GOVERNOR BEGGED
FOR HIS ENDORSEMENT. >> I AM A LOYALIST AND WHEN
A MAN COMES TO ME, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HE'S AT ALMOST NOTHING IN
THE POLLS, I SAID, "YOU CAN'T WIN, CAN YOU?
HOW CAN YOU WIN?" "SIR, IF YOU ENDORSE ME
I WILL WIN. PLEASE, PLEASE SIR.
ENDORSE ME." I SAID LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT,
RON, AND I ENDORSED HIM AND HE BECAME LIKE A ROCKET SHIP.
>> Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T ABOUT "ROCKET."
IF YOU LOOK AT HIM, HE'S ACTUALLY GOT
THE AERODYNAMICS OF A KEGGERATOR.
NEWS FROM FLERIDA. THE NUMBER ONE PLACE TO HEAR THE
PHRASE "OH, YOU MEAN THE OTHER ALLIGATOR WHO HELD UP
A TIKI BAR." LAST WEEK, IN THE STATE CAPITAL
OF TALLAHASSEE, A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL RESIGNED
AFTER PARENTS COMPLAINED THAT A LESSON ON MICHAELANGELO'S
DAVID EXPOSED SIXTH GRADERS TO PORNOGRAPHY.
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.
BABY. MY FAVORITE PART OF ANY PORNO IS
WHEN SOMEONE IS STANDING FLACID WHILE THINKING ABOUT MURDERING
A GIANT. OH, YEAH.
[APPLAUSE] BUT THIS HAS GOT ME WONDERING,
IS ALL RENAISSANCE ART SMUT? I'M LOOKING AT YOU,
MONA LISA. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?
COULD IT BE... BOOBS!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT JOKE. APPARENTLY,
IT'S A FUNNY WORD. APPARENTLY,
TWO PARENTS COMPLAINED THAT THEY WEREN'T NOTIFIED IN ADVANCE THAT
A NUDE WOULD BE SHOWN. NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT THAT.
"LOOK, I JUST WANNA KNOW WHEN THE NUDES ARE GONNA SHOW UP.
ALSO THE KINDA NUDES. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
TASTEFUL, OR LIKE, THE GOOD STUFF?
'CAUSE I'M AN ART LOVER." I MEAN I'M A CONCERNED PARENT.
I MEAN I'M A CONCERNED PARENT. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS SILLY.
AND THE PEOPLE OVER IN ITALY AGREE.
WHICH IS WHY IN RESPONSE, THIS WEEK, THE FLORENCE MUSEUM
THAT EXHIBITS THE STATUE INVITED THE PARENTS AND STUDENTS
TO VISIT, SAYING, "TO THINK THAT DAVID COULD BE
PORNOGRAPHIC MEANS TRULY NOT UNDERSTANDING THE
CONTENTS OF THE BIBLE, NOT UNDERSTANDING
WESTERN CULTURE, AND NOT UNDERSTANDING
RENAISSANCE ART." >> Stephen: SO...
FLORIDA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE'S ALSO NEWS OUT OF UTAH, BECAUSE THEY'RE HOLDING
A TRIAL INVOLVING LIFESTYLE GURU GWYNETH PALTROW,
SEEN HERE BEING THE RICHEST PERSON WHO BUYS THEIR GLASSES
A THE CVS CHECKOUT. MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND GWYNETH
IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL IN A CIVIL LAWSUIT FOR A SKIING
COLLISION IN 2016. SPECIFICALLY,
A RETIRED OPTOMETRIST IS SUING HER, CLAIMING SHE PLOWED INTO
HIM ON A BUNNY HILL AND CALLOUSLY SKIED AWAY.
WHICH IS THE WHITEST SENTENCE I'VE EVER READ.
THE WHITEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE MY BOAT MECHANIC
ON SPEED DIAL. BUT PALTROW IS COUNTERSUING,
CLAIMING THE OPTOMETRIST ACTUALLY SKIED INTO
"HER," SAYING HIS STORY IS LARGELY MADE UP.
HE'S A BUMBLING OPTOMETRIST, SHE'S A CELEBRITY MOGUL,
THEY COLLIDE ON A SKI MOUNTAIN AND NEITHER CAN REMEMER
WHAT HAPPENED? THIS CHRISTMAS,
SEE HALLMARK'S NEWEST HIT, "GOOPSY-DAISY:
A SKI ACCIDENT... OF THE HEART."
NEVER SAW THAT, BUT I LIKE IT. GOOPSY-DAISY.
THE TRIAL IS STILL ONGOING, AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHO CRASHED INTO WHOM. WHAT WE DO KNOW IS,
GWYNETH PALTROW SHOULD TAKE THE STAND MORE OFTEN.
BECAUSE SHE IS A HOOT. HERE SHE IS BEING QUESTIONED
ABOUT HER REACTION TO THE CRASH.
>> YOU WERE FURIOUS AND SAID, "YOU SKIED DIRECTLY INTO
MY EFFING BACK." AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS.
>> YES, I DID. >> OKAY.
LANGUAGE. >> Stephen: AS WELL YOU SHOULD!
I EXPECT MORE DIGNITY FROM THE WOMAN WHO SELLS CANDLES
CALLED "THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA."
TRUE STORY. THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
>> OF THE VICTIM SAYS HE'S UNABLE TO ENJOY WINE TASTINGS
AFTER THE COLLISION. THAT'S TRAGIC.
I BELIEVE HIS TONGUE QUALIFIES FOR HANDICAP PARKING IN FRONT OF
THE LIQUOR STORE. BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE TRIAL
IS THE OPTOMETRIST'S LAWYER, WHO IS, IN LEGAL TERMS, THIRSTY A.F.
HERE SHE IS QUESTIONING PALTROW. >> SINCE YOU'RE NOT DOWN HERE,
MAY I ASK HOW TALL YOU ARE? >> I'M JUST UNDER 5'10".
>> OKAY. I AM SO JEALOUS.
>> I THINK I'M SHRINKING, THOUGH.
>> YOU AND ME BOTH. I HAVE TO WEAR FOUR INCH
HEELS JUST TO MAKE IT TO 5'5" SO --
>> WELL, THEY'RE VERY NICE. >> OH, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT IS CLASSIC PROSECUTOR
GRILLING THE WITNESS. REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS SCENE
FROM "A FEW GOOD MEN." >> YOU WANT ANSWERS?
>> I WANT SMOOTHER SKIN! >> YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL SKIN!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE HUGH GRANT AND SEAN HAYES,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!