( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪♪
♪ ♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪ ♪ LIVING IN AMERICA ♪
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN" RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE MAN!
♪♪♪ JON...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO SAY HEY TO EVERYBODY
IN THE BAND!
AN DIOWENS, BASS, TRUMPET, JOHN LAMPE, LOUIS.
MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON BATISTE.
CAN'T WAITED TO SEE YOU.
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU LATER, MY FRIEND.
>> Jon: BEAUTIFUL TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU.
>> Jon: LOVE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I MENTIONED IN THE MONOLOGUE
STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, JOE BIDEN IS CURRENTLY ON HIS FIRST
OVERSEAS TRIP AS PRESIDENT.
WHICH IS GOOD NEWS FOR DIPLOMACY, BAD NEWS FOR ME.
BECAUSE I HAD HOPED TO HAVE HIM AS MY FIRST GUEST FOR OUR RETURN
TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
SORRY, YOU'RE STUCK WITH JON STEWART.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT JOE
BIDEN HAS MADE TIME TO BE WTH US LIVE VIA SATELLITE.
JOINING ME NOW, FROM BRUSSELS, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT --
MR. PRESIDENT -- >> OH, THERE YOU ARE.
YEAH, YEAH, THERE YOU ARE.
THANKS.
YEAH, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THAK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE -- BECAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL,
NOBODY'S BETTER THAN YOU, AND I KNOW WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT,
NO JOKE!
>> Stephen: I APPRECIATE THAT, SIR.
>> I APPRECIATE YOU, MERV.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO, MR. PRESIDENT,
THIS IS YOUR FIRST TRIP ABROAD SINCE TAKING OFFICE, HOW'S IT
GOING SO FAR?
>> GOING GREAT.
MET THE GUY WHO RUNS ENGLAND, BORIS CAR LOVE -- BORIS JOHNSON,
EXCUSE ME.
THEN I MET THE HIGH SCHOOL KID WHO RUNS FRANCE, MACARONI, HAD
TEA WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF IN BELGIUM?
>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
LOOK AT THE CRAZY PAN CAKES.
BUMPS EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S BONKERS.
COME ON.
>> Stephen: THOSE ARE GREAT, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT I'M ASKING
HAS IT BEEN HARD TO REESTABLISH DIPLOMATIC TIES WITH OUR ALLIES
AFTER THE LAST PRESIDENT BURNED SOME BRIDGES.
>> OKAY, LOOK, LET'S BE REAL, LET ME BE CLEAR, THE LAST GUY,
TRUMP, WAS BANANAS!
BUT LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, EUROPE, I'M NICE AND EASY.
I'M WHISPER CALM.
NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES.
LOOK AT MY HANDS.
MOVING SLOW, LOOK AT THAT.
NOT HURR HERKY JERKY.
JUST SLOW AND EASY.
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SCARY.
NOT SCARY.
SCARY, NOT SCARY.
COME ON!
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COMFORTING, SIR.
>> YEAH, THANKS, MERV ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU AT ALL CONCERNED MEETING
WITH PUTIN ON WEDNESDAY GIVEN THAT YOU VERY PUBLICLY CALLED
HIM A KILLER?
>> COME ON, NOW, I ONCE CALLED A NICE LADY A DOG-FACED PONY
SOLDIER.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL I'M
TALKING ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ME.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE I'M JOKING.
NO JOKE, NOW.
COME ON, NOW, I'M THE PRESIDENT, GUY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
NOW, LET'S -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> SLOW AND EASY.
COME ON, NOW.
>> Stephen: VERY SOOTHING.
NOW, LET'S TALK VACCINES, SIR.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST SAID THE UNITED STATES WILL DONATE
500 MILLION DOSES TO COUNTRIES IN NEED.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE ROLLOUT IN THIS COUNTRY?
>> LET'S GET REAL, NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART.
NUMBER TWO, THE THING THE GUY SAID.
NUMBER THREE, YOU KNOW THE DRILL, COME ON, FOLKS.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE PLEASED WITH OUR PROGRESS?
>> ABSOLUTELY!
YOU KNOW, COME ON, THESE VACCINES ARE SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.
WE'VE GOT THREE DIFFERENT FLAVORS.
THE MODERNA, THE P-FIZZER AND THE J.J. ABRAMS, COME ON.
>> Stephen: THE MODERNA, PFIZER AND JOHNSON & JOHNSON?
>> YOU GOT IT.
THAT'S IT.
COMEON NOW, LET'S GET REAL, I'VE NEVER BEEN TOO GOOD WITH --
YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM.
>> Stephen: NAMES?
NO, THE BIG GUYS, ALL OF THEM.
>> Stephen: WORDS?
THAT'S THE ONE!
WORDS!
THEY'RE LIKE REPUBLICANS, THEY DON'T WANT TO WORK WITH ME BUT I
KEEP TRYING ANYWAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELL, SIR, I HAVE
TO SAY, THAT RESONATES.
THAT SEEMS TO RESONATE WITH PEOPLE.
I HAVE TO SAY I'M GRATEFUL THE ROLLOUT HAS BEEN SO EFFECTIVE I
CAN NOW HAVE A LIVE AUDIENCE AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH, GOOD STUFF!
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GETTING
TOGETHER AGAIN TO LAUGH AT YOUR BAND AND DANCE AT YOUR JOKES!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE -- IT'S
LIKE BEING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND LIKE MY BEST FRIEND, A GUY NAMED
BARACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BARACK OBAMA.
OH, YOU KNOW HIM, TOO.
YEAH, HELL OF A GUY.
BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING.
>> Stephen: SIR, I DON'T THINK THAT'S HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.
>> COME ON, MAN.
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, JACK.
LET'S DO SOME PUSHUPS.
>> Stephen: NOT RIGHT NOW, SIR.
BUT BEFORE WE GO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT AT SOME POINT,
THOUGH.
IS THERE ANY MESSAGE TO THE COUNTRY THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO
GIVE AS WE COME OUT TO HAVE THE PANDEMIC?
>> LOOK, FOLKS, LOOK -- FOLKS ARE HURTING, OKAY?
YOU KNOW, I GREW UP IN SCRANTON UP, YOU KNOW, MY DAD LOST HIS
JOB.
HE SAYS, JOEY, I LOST MY JOB.
I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, POPS?
HE SAID, I'M GOING TO STARE AT THE CEILING AND THINK ABOUT WHAT
TO DO.
SO POP WOULD STARE FOR HOURS A DAY AT THE CEILING.
I WOULD SAY, POPS, CAN I STARE FOR YOU FOR A WHILE?
SO I WOULD GO IN AND I'D STARE SO HE COULD SHOWER AND WHATNOT,
GO TO PAPER JOES AND GET PAPER TOWELS AND AVOCADOS AND ALL THAT
GOOD STUFF.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT --
>> WHAT?
GREAT TO BE HERE, MERV.
COME ON.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT MERV.
ORRY ABOUT THAT, CONAN.
JOHNNY.
>> Stephen: PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, EVERYBODY!
CHECK OUT HIS WORK THE REST OF THE WEEK!
UNRELATED, CHECK OUT DANA CARVEY'S NEW PODCAST FANTASTIC,
WITH DANA CARVEY, IT'S FANTASTIC!
BACK WITH JON STEWART, FANTASTIC!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I♪♪♪