- This seems like a safe place for me to
unpack my shit!
(audience cheering)
- Boys, you get so excited that we're gonna have sex.
The girl's like, "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom,"
and the guys like, "Great, I'll meet you in bed,"
and then we see you hop into bed.
(audience laughing)
Never. Don't get giddy, okay?
This is a serious sexual experience.
I don't wanna see, "Huh, Peter Pan."
We never wanna see...
(audience laughing)
- Girls, the best thing you can do, if you have great sex,
the best thing you can do, the second sex is over is
not talk to him.
(audience laughing)
Sounds horrible. It's actually to your benefit.
That's not your boyfriend lying next to you.
That is a husk of a man,
depleted of all bodily fluids,
incapable of giving you the answer you deserve.
And I get it, you just had sex, you're feeling great.
Oxytocin is flowing.
You just hosted a human being inside of you.
You love him and you wanna talk about the future.
He can't do it.
You look at him, you're like, "Oh my God,
what are you thinking about?"
He's laying there, dust, like...
(Iliza hissing)
(audience laughing)
(Iliza breathing heavily)
Get him a Gatorade, give him five.
(audience laughing)
He can't answer you.
You're gonna be like, "What are you thinking about?"
He'll never, ever be like, "You in a wedding dress."
(audience laughing)
- When you go home tonight and you take off your bra,
you'll notice only one hook is doing the work.
(audience laughing)
Because these things aren't structurally sound.
It's that middle hook that's been stripped of its paint.
(audience laughing)
The hook and eye are so warped,
it looks like God touching man.
(audience laughing)
- The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is.
There's some truth for you. Yeah.
If you're working with anything over a C-cup, I got you.
I know that pain. I know how hideous our bras are, okay?
So you are my people, anything,
and I know people are like, "Oh, you've got big boobs.
Is that hard?" It fucking is!
Okay. They gaslight you, that's right.
There's where all the big tits are, yeah.
The world wants you to have giant knockers
and then when you do,
they give you no infrastructure to support them.
All we want are cute bras.
Instead, they're like, "Here's a Soviet era windsock,
just strap it on and help plow.
Just do it."
When you're a woman, there's a lot can go wrong, okay?
You snap a heel, you have an accident, on your period,
your bra strap, whatever,
but none is more embarrassing than the horror
of going to sit down
and having the back of your dress burst open.
Ga-goosh!
(audience laughing)
'Cause it couldn't contain your lady meat.
(audience laughing)
(Iliza yelling)
You won't like me when I marry!
(audience laughing)
We like our women half dressed and distressed, right?
Just like, "Oh, oh my God.
Oh, I dropped everything. Oh, I'm such a klutz.
Oops, tank top fall.
Oh, it's a clove cigarette. Ooh, I'm complex.
How am I gonna..."
And then the bra strap falls down, like,
"Mm, I'm a riddle.
Ooh, I work at a cafe one day a week. Mm."
In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down.
(audience laughing)
This thing clocks in for a union job at 9:00 AM,
(audience laughing and cheering)
works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge.
(audience laughing)
It's not falling down, okay?
If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you'd hear,
(mic tapping)
(audience laughing)
I'm taking my things and I'm leaving. Thank you.
(audience laughing)
We go on Pinterest, we start pinning fall ideas.
Leaves, that's a fun thing we like to fuck with.
Every year the leaves change color and we lose our shit.
Every...
(audience laughing)
"Did you see the leaves? Oh, my God.
(audience laughing)
Last week they were green and now they're brown."
They're not brown, they're fucking dead, you sicko.
They're fucking dead
and you're doing crafts with their corpses.
Have you no respect for nature?
That was a living thing, you monster.
We talk about it,
"What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?"
"I'm gonna make a pile on the front lawn
so the kids can play in the death.
What are you gonna do
(audience laughing)
with your dead leaves?"
"I'm gonna make a wreath on the front door
as a warning to other dead leaves not to fuck with me."
(audience laughing)
"Did you just eat a leaf?" "I did."
(audience laughing)
It's not enough to be thin ever.
You gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction.
The kind of thin where it's like,
"What up, bitches, find me."
Like that kind of thin.
(audience laughing)
And a lot of times it's not that easy.
A lot of times we see a guy that we think is cute
and he doesn't notice us, so we have to make you notice us.
A lot of times we get our girlfriend to help us.
Every girl's done this.
There's a boy over there you think is cute.
You're like, "Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Do you see that guy? That guy over there.
(audience laughing)
Over there.
(audience laughing)
Over there.
(audience laughing)
Do you see him? Do you see him?
Do you see that guy? You're, are you looking?
Do you see him? Don't look!
Do you see him? Are you looking?
(audience laughing)
Is he looking? Is he looking?
He's looking. He's looking.
Start dancing. Start dancing.
(audience laughing)
Come here, come here, keep talking.
Say something funny. Just start talking.
Just start talking so I don't look like a loser.
Say something funny.
(Iliza fake laughing)
(audience laughing)
(Iliza fake laughing)
Everybody's got a party goblin.
Some people have party goblins
that have lost their ability to walk from partying too much.
(audience laughing)
My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed.
She sleeps on the top bunk,
my dignity sleeps on the bottom bunk.
He is not invited.
The second I taste liquor, it wakes her up.
She smells it in my brain.
She's sitting there, dreaming of eating frozen pizza
'cause she's a monster.
(Iliza growling)
"Huh?
(audience laughing)
Vodka, top shelf."
(Iliza grunting)
She goes to the megaphone that controls my actions.
We've all had party goblin control our actions.
"You need to rage!
Find the door guy, ask him if he has drugs.
Do not specify. See what he comes up with!
(audience laughing)
Do it, fucking go!
Jump on top of that table. Start dancing.
There is no music. I will provide the music."
(Iliza singing)
- And I envy that.
A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing.
"Well, I gained weight.
(audience laughing)
Better remedy that with some bigger pants.
Here we go.
(audience laughing)
To the Dillards."
(audience laughing)
Not that simple for girls, is it?
Because we know when we gain weight,
it's never just about the weight, is it?
No, it's attached to many things
because everything is everything
and it's all happening at once.
That's right.
"I gained weight because I don't have a work-life balance.
I don't have a work-life balance
because I hate my fucking job and I don't have time.
I hate my fucking job 'cause I didn't get the job I wanted
because I didn't go to school for a long enough time
because the guy I was dating at the time
didn't encourage me and I always date the wrong men."
That's what it's about.
(audience cheering)
And by that same token, men aren't allowed to have feelings
in our society, which isn't fair.
You're expected to move past it,
work through it, get over it.
Women don't get over anything.
(audience laughing)
No, we don't get over it. Instead, we hold on to it.
We hold onto that rejection, we hold onto it,
we pluck it out of space time
and we examine it from hindsight.
We put it in different scenarios.
We bring in experts like, "Stacy, get over here.
What do you...
(audience laughing)
Remember that guy that took me to Coachella
and never called me again?
Should we drive to his house?"
(audience laughing)
You don't know it.
You're a young girl and you don't know
you're about to come in contact with
your first lesson in male fragility,
(audience laughing)
because the hand goes behind the back
and he's focused and it's silent,
and then for us girls,
the next thing we hear is just
(Iliza inhaling sharply)
(audience laughing)
Motherfucker.
(audience laughing)
Calm down.
- You walk in to a Trader Joe's on a Sunday night
'cause that's when hot girls go grocery shopping,
like, "I'm buying flowers for me," right?
You walk into a Trader Joe's with a ring on your left hand,
single women can feel the vibrations of the ring.
They're like, "The ring, it mocks us!" and they...
(audience laughing)
They come out of the frozen yogurt aisle,
Lululemon, highlighted hair, like,
"Tell us you ways, we wish to be betrothed as well."
(audience laughing)
And you sit there and you wait,
and I believe what is to come next
is ostensibly your first real test as a married couple.
But of course the onus is on the woman to pass this test
because it's on you girls to sit there
and remain facially excited and turned on
at your new choice in mate,
as your new husband emerges from the smoke of the DJ like
(audience laughing)
And you're just sitting there like, "That's my baby
(audience laughing)
who I might have a family with."
His tuxedo jacket is off, so you as the bride,
are treated to this sweat map of South America.
(audience laughing)
And you have to sit there ladylike
but also like excited but also demure but also horny,
and sit there while your new husband goes under your dress.
This is the most expensive dress
you're probably ever gonna wear,
and he's rooting around under it
(audience laughing)
like a ghost schnauzer.
(audience laughing)
And you're like, "That's my husband."
(audience laughing)
He now must remove the garter,
but according to weird wedding tradition,
he's not allowed to use his hands.
What must he use, Nashville?
(audience yelling)
(Iliza making gagging noises)
(audience laughing)
So he gets under there, slides his five o'clock shadow
(audience laughing)
up your five o'clock shadow.
(audience laughing)
The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir
with Bath & Body Works Plumeria.
(audience laughing)
Gets up here around this side hustle,
(audience laughing)
clamps down on that garter with, let's hope,
wolf-like precision.
(audience laughing)
Slides it down your sweaty fucking ham hock,
(audience laughing)
to the ground and then he eats it.
I don't know what happens.
(audience laughing)
I've never watched the full YouTube video.
You ever been called a chatty Cathy?
By an idiot, but still, ever been called that?
"Couple of girls just yipping away, huh?
She'll talk your ear off.
Bunch of gibblets in a henhouse."
No one says gibblets in a hen,
that means the chicken's already dead.
(audience laughing)
Women are always chastised for talking a lot.
The reason women talk goes back thousands of years.
The reason women talk a lot,
have a proclivity for speaking, uh,
is when men would go out and hunt and fight and get animals,
otherwise known as hunting
(audience laughing)
"Go get an animal."
Women stayed behind
(audience laughing)
and we raised the kids and we made food,
and because the world wasn't really a thing yet,
we exchanged survival secrets.
We would tell each other things like,
"Oh, don't eat that berry.
It'll make your husband's dick fall off.
Don't wipe with that leaf.
I found in my studies that it really hurts your vagina."
You had to exchange this information
to keep your tribe alive.
Now that's devolved to, "What color lip gloss,"
but it's the exchange of information.
Girls gather and then share. So guys,
when we're talking and it bothers you,
just know we're trying to make it
so your dick doesn't fall off!
That's all we're doing.
(audience laughing)
Trying to help you! Trying to help you live!
(audience cheering)
Because I believe watching an attractive woman
mentally unravel on national television
is the reason we all watch reality TV.
"Up next are two sisters from Scottsdale, Arizona
with a new take on popcorn."
(Iliza singing softly)
(audience laughing)
Jiggle, jiggle.
(audience laughing)
"One, two, hi, Sharks!
My name's Madison."
Duh. Always named Madison, right?
"And this is my sister, McKayla."
Right, they're always named McKayla, fucking obviously.
"And together we are the inventors, creators, and CEOs of...
Put your back against mine.
(audience laughing)
CEOs of...
Put your fucking back against mine.
What the fuck are you doing?
We do this, then we do the product, yes.
Oh, my God, I got this.
We do this, then we do the product,
we haven't done the product yet.
Yes, we can't start over. We can't start over.
That's what that light is.
It's live, it's fucking live, bitch.
Yes!
(audience laughing)
We can't start, can we start over?
No, I got nothing.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my God. I'm not, I'm not yelling at you!
I'm not yelling at you. I'm not yelling.
I'm not fucking yelling at you.
I'm not, I'm not making it about me.
I will not do this here. It's fucking live.
I'm not making it about me.
You're making it about me making it about you
making it about me and I'm not making it about me
in the first fucking place.
I am trying, I am trying to make this.
Oh my God, okay, just stay there.
I will do it. I will.
I will do it. Just stay there.
Just stay there. I will handle it.
Just stay there, you fucking casualty.
Okay, the other day, my sister and I were at home
eating popcorn and crying and we got down
to the bottom of the bag and shake, shake, shake,
what was left at the bottom?
All the unpopped kernels.
That's when my sister and I decided that we should...
Put your fucking back.
(audience laughing)
against mine."
I just ruined so many rides home tonight.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)