Item #: SCP-3768
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Information about the procedure of SCP-3768-A is to be
contained in a single, paper document at Site-59.
Foundation webcrawler 7-ORFEO is to excise and expunge any other information on the Internet
pertaining to SCP-3768-A. Standard information suppression campaigns are to be carried out
at low priority for non-digital storage formats.
A radio with a prepared SCP-3768-A arrangement is to be kept for research into SCP-3768-B.
SCP-3768-B is to be monitored and recorded at Site-59 at the discretion of Director Naismith.
Description: SCP-3768-A is a ritualistic procedure carried out through the use of:
3.7 grams of zinc, at least 400 grams of table salt,
no more than 5 grams of silver, and 7 honeybee carcasses, at least 90% intact
from death.
These ingredients must be arranged in a specific formation around a civilian FM radio within
500 km of Baltimore, MD.
Upon completion of SCP-3768-A, a new radio station can be accessed at 97.3 FM, identified
as "Three Moons Public Radio," or "3MPR."
The origin of this frequency is believed to be an extradimensional plane of reality.
The show's 24-hour programming features news and editorials for the inhabitants of the
signal's plane of origin.
The host, who (allegedly) has never been off the air once in 300 years, identifies as a
"permanently 27-year-old" female human of French Senegalese descent named Julie Niang
- hereafter identified as SCP-3768-C.
Whether or not the recordings are factual is restricted to personnel with 5/3768 clearance.
Selections from SCP-3768-B recordings: SCP-3768-C: Good morning, Drysedge!
It is now 8:00 AM Old Eastern Standard Time.
Meteorological station Aleph is maintaining a pleasant 62 degrees out today, so wear a
light jacket if you're headed to the meat tree market.
SCP-3768-C: Lord Ghantouris, also known as the Elephant King or the Arch-Hedon, released
an official public statement yesterday to celebrate the fact that he's temporarily sober
for the first time in 300 years.
He took questions from Saklovaian reporters on the steps of the Marble Hall.
In regards to the approximately 30,000 captives of his so-called "meat orgies", Lord Ghantouris
responded with, quote, "This was never a part of the plan.
The soma was tainted from the start.
None of us can stop.
I cannot stop.
I am scared.
Please help us."
Male Voice: …I suppose it goes without saying that I've been bloody well disappointed the
whole time.
There I was, all "imagine there's no heaven" and "no hell below us" - then I wake up from
the murder, and I'm in a place that manages to be both at the same time.
"Imagine there's no countries" - Corbenic's got a few trillion countries, and they're
in a permanent war with one another.
SCP-3768-C: Speaking of which, what are your thoughts on the Strider situation?
Male Voice: Interesting that you mention that, I've actually got a song about the whole affair
lined up for the new album.
It's called 'Dead Monkey Good Monkey'.
Probably one of my least subtle tracks in a while.
I haven't yelled so much in 40 years of life as I had in 30 minutes of recording.
The boys and I were tryin' to go for an early Devin Townsend sound, y'know, the angrier
the better.
Not to sidetrack too much, of course.
So, as for the issue itself - as far as I'm concerned, the Striders gave peace a chance
- then ate it, like they do with everything that isn't nailed to the ground in this hellhole.
I'm not entirely convinced why we shouldn't just drop everything we have on Bogal Mountain.
SCP-3768-C: To no one's surprise, the Central Cabal's unanimous passing of the Mandatory
Pan-Corbenese Human Sterilization Act, or MPCHSA, has been causing controversy among
the colonies, resulting in demonstrations across the Lunar Capitol.
Opponents, including the Child of Heaven Coalition, claim that the right to responsibly conceive
children is inalienable.
President Niang, who is expected to sign the MPCHSA into law on Tuesday, released the following
statement:
Male Voice: The world we live in now was meant to be the logical conclusion of our lives
on Earth.
To create new life here would be to create mortal life.
When this happens - and it has happened, all too often - the polarity of death is reversed,
and the departed mortal leaves to live forever in Corbenic's so-called "sister universe".
The tricky bit with this, of course, is that our world is designed for immortals.
Theirs isn't.
There are two inevitable results: a guaranteed living nightmare drifting off into deep space
- or in the custody of the Foundation, as with several extant case studies - or the
presence of an unkillable human being on Earth, with all the potential violence it would entail.
SCP-3768-C: In addition, Three Moons Press Secretary Lyndon B. Johnson has insisted that
the sterilization measures are painless, non-invasive, and - finally, some good news about this - will
not affect libido.
SCP-3768-C: We have some breaking news to report out of Bogal Mountain: the Witch-Queen
— Hékati-Bøgal, may her name be thrice-damned for eternity — has died of apparent liver
failure.
Though it has been previously believed that the Witch-Queen was immortal, drone surveillance
footage has confirmed the death of the Strider Matriarch, who was responsible for the consumption
and agonizing digestion of over [REDACTED] immortal human colonists.
Three Moons intelligence officials in the Prefecture have reported the Witch-Queen's
last words to be "NØLAG MZJÉHN," which literally translates to "I find food-planet."
It is believed that the Witch-Queen's postmortem vector is identical to that of humans, with
a possible spawn point in the [DATA REDACTED BY ORDER OF O5 COMMAND]
Message from the ☽☽☽ Initiative:
Foundation.
We have some bad news.
At an undetermined time in the coming months, the entity you know as SCP-PC-007, a hostile,
reality-warping, ten-kilometer-tall, and now immortal primate, is going to enter the orbital
path of Mars, en route to Earth.
There is a negligible chance of neutralization if she is attacked before then, which becomes
a full zero if she gets any nearer to Earth (multiversal iteration 2N).
If the records of Foundation terminology from Earth-2M are at all analogous to yours, you
have an XK on your hands - at best.
Look - she is aware of the existence of SCP-3319, and it'll likely be the first thing she'll
smash to pieces.
There's no easy exit here.
This is going to be a long and difficult battle, and the best potential outcomes that the pre-cogs
in R&D can come up with involve the death of 89.5% of humanity.
Many adjectives - doomed, among them - come to mind, but the last thing you are in the
coming months is alone.
We've fought five wars against her and her armies - a good two of which were successful.
You’ll be provided with as much help as we can provide.
And frankly, this is the angriest we've seen Lord JALAKÅRA in a millennium.
His grudge against her predates multicellular life.
Even if our army is 75% paperwork and in-fighting, we at least know He has an idea of what he's
doing.
And if she does cause your extinction - well, when you get to the Great Mead Hall of Saklovai,
drinks are on us.
You are watched, you are protected, and win or lose, you are loved.
- ☽☽☽