- I'm so grateful for you all to come tonight,
and thank you very much for coming.
I'm going to leave you on a story.
Me and my fella don't really get
nights off together very often.
So when we do, we try to make the most of it,
and went out, and we called them like a date night.
Went out on a date night recently,
had a curry, lovely curry,
got in, put a DVD on, everything going really well.
Half into the film started getting a little bit amorous,
little bit frisky, which I suppose
is one of the points of the date night.
Seemingly we'd forgotten that two hours before that
we'd had a curry.
(audience laughing)
None the less, he went downstairs.
(audience laughing)
I don't mean for a glass of water.
(audience laughing)
I already told you I live in a flat,
fucking work it out.
(audience laughing)
The only reason he'd go downstairs is to do the bins.
(audience laughing)
And that should never be a euphemism for that.
(audience laughing)
"Do you fancy, do you fancy doing the bins later on?"
(audience laughing)
It doesn't work, does it?
No.
So he went downstairs.
Do you know why I do it like that,
as well, like in that little stupid voice?
"Downstairs."
That's what I'll ask him for it, by the way.
"Downstairs."
(audience laughing) "You go downstairs later on?"
(audience laughing)
"Will ya do the bins?"
(audience laughing)
So he was "Downstairs".
(audience laughing)
And there's no nice way of saying this
to you lovely people, but I could feel a fart brewing.
(audience laughing)
Nobody knows what to do, do they?
There's no plan of action for this.
So what I did,
and I don't really know why I did this,
certainly don't know why I'm telling you lot.
(audience laughing)
Similar to in the film "Rain Man",
I started going "Uh-oh".
(audience laughing)
"Uh-oh."
(audience laughing)
"Uh-oh."
(audience laughing)
And he carried on, cause as he told me afterwards,
he thought I was doing an impression of Beyonce.
(audience laughing)
So we've clearly not got the hang
of the whole seduction thing,
I think that's fairly evident
from what I've told you so far, isn't it?
But I walked in on him the other day,
and he was lying on the bed, just in his pants,
because you know how men think that's attractive?
(audience laughing)
And he had one bollock hanging out.
(audience laughing)
And I thought I'm going to have to pull him on it.
(audience laughing)
Question him on it, not pull him on it.
(Sarah honking)
(audience laughing)
If only they made that noise.
If they made that noise I'd never leave
the little buggers alone.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah honking)
(audience laughing)
I said, "Do you know that you've got
"a bollock hanging out?"
He said "Yes I do,
"I put it out, especially for you."
(audience laughing)
But like I said,
I've been with my fella for six years,
it's going really well.
He bought himself a suit recently.
I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit,
I quite fancied him in his suit,
and I told him, I said, "Quite fancy you in your suit".
And he said, and I quote, he's very smooth,
he said, "If you like I'll leave it on, and sort you out
"all good and proper, and posh and that."
(audience laughing)
I said "You forgot to say Miss Moneypenny on the end."
(audience laughing)
But the only time we ever argue is when it comes
to Christmas, birthdays, present giving times
that sort of thing.
Cause he really likes to buy me surprises,
and I really hate surprises.
(audience laughing)
We've got a bit of a happy medium now though,
the last couple of years,
when I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
(audience laughing)
Five or six things, he can pick whichever one he likes,
I don't know which one it's going to be,
so it's still technically a surprise.
He came home a few days before my birthday last year
and he said, "Never guess what I've just done".
I said, "What have you just done?"
He said "I've gone off list."
(audience laughing)
He said "I'm not even sure if you're going to like it".
I said, "Why the fuck did you buy it then?"
(audience laughing)
I mean, "Thank you."
(audience laughing)
But a friend of mine, who doesn't really know us very well,
she said, "Ooh, that sounds like an engagement ring to me".
I said, "No, it sounds like Kerplunk."
(audience laughing)
But we have quite busy lives,
as I'm sure a lot of you guys do, too.
And when we go on holiday,
we like to go somewhere relaxing,
somewhere where we can look at nice scenery
and read books.
That's all we're really wanting to do.
My boyfriend doesn't like to fly,
so we tend to stay within the UK.
And because we don't have to pay for expensive flights,
we sometimes treat ourselves to a slightly posher hotel.
The last posh hotel we stayed in
had two baths either side of each other,
and I thought, "Ooh, we're going to be to able
"to have really romantic baths together,
"without having to stare at hairy toes."
(audience laughing)
That man puts up with an awful lot with me.
(audience laughing)
To be fair, his feet aren't any better.
There not horrific, they're just, you know,
feet.
(audience laughing)
Nails are a bit long, toes are a bit hairy.
There's crusty bits on the bottoms,
you know the sort of thing.
(audience laughing)
I said "You look like you could pick up mice with those?
"They've got a certain sort of owl like quality to them."
(audience laughing)
But you know, we don't live together,
we have a few days a week together,
and a few days a week apart.
And when we're apart,
and I get to sleep in my own bed, on my own,
I fucking love it.
(audience laughing)
Starfish, I love it.
(audience laughing)
See we all love our partners,
but when you're trying to get to sleep,
they all do niggly things, don't they?
Like breathing.
(audience laughing)
30 years together, is there anything about each of them,
when you're trying to get to sleep, that's irritating?
- [Woman In Audience] Snoring.
- He snores, does he snore?
Gives us a cheer, all the people
who think that they're a snorer?
(audience yelling)
All the people who know they're sitting beside a snorer.
(audience yelling) (Sarah giggling)
There's a bit of denial in the room tonight.
(audience laughing)
My boyfriend snores, and I found out recently
that me dad also snores,
cause I was whinging to me mum about me boyfriend snoring,
and she said, "Have you tried these?"
And then slid something across the kitchen bench,
like it was drugs, "Try these".
(audience laughing)
And what they were, were those nasal strips.
I don't know if you've seen them, they're little strips
that go across the bridge of the snorer's nose,
so that they open the nostrils out
so that they can breathe more clearly,
and in theory they don't snore anymore.
Now they worked for us for a while,
until it came to Christmas.
There's something you need to know about me,
is that I really love Brussels sprouts.
(audience laughing)
My boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts.
So Christmas, we get a big bag of Brussels sprouts,
and I ate the lot.
And I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty fucking toxic.
(audience laughing)
So just before we went to bed on Christmas night,
my boyfriend went "Do you mind
"if I don't put the strip on tonight?"
(audience laughing)
"I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger
than they have to be."
(audience laughing)
Another thing he does, he puts his arm across this,
and I feel, I quite like that,
cause I feel quite sort of safe, and protected, I suppose.
But then sometimes he puts his leg across,
and I think, "Oh, now we are taking the fucking piss."
(audience laughing)
The last time him he did it, he put his foot,
remember I described it not that long ago.
(audience laughing)
He put his foot on me leg, and he rubbed it up and down.
(audience laughing)
And I went
"What you doing?"
(audience laughing)
He went "I'm being tender."
(audience laughing)
I said, "No, love, you're exfoliating."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
But when I lived alone, I really liked it,
I really liked living alone.
But one of the things I love
about living with somebody else again,
is I like the unpredictability of it.
I like that every now and again, a sentence will come out
that I would never have said.
The most recent one out of nowhere,
he just went,
"Your sheds no good to have a wank in."
(audience laughing)
And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
But I told you, I live on my own.
My boyfriend also lives on his own,
I think some people think that's quite odd
that we've been together a few years
and we don't live together, but we sort of feel
like we've got the best of both worlds.
Cause we have a few days a week together,
and a few days a week apart, and it's sort of ideal.
There was a time that he moved in with me for three months,
because he was between flats, and it made sense,
and I was fine with it, because there was an end date.
I'm a bit stuck in me ways.
I love you, but "Bye".
(audience laughing)
Now while he was at mine, for those three months,
I worked away for a week,
and when I came back and some things had changed in my flat.
and I said, "Love,
"one of the towels smells of bums."
(audience laughing)
"You got any idea what that might be?"
Without even thinking, he just went
"That'll be me bum towel."
(audience laughing)
So when he did eventually move out,
as a house warming present,
I brought my smaller brown hand towel.
(audience laughing)
I said because it's brown,
he doesn't have to wash it, he can just crack it,
and use it again.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah laughing)
But his mom came out his flat,
his mom's lovely, she came out his flat,
and she said "Got you a new duvet set."
I said "I don't need a new duvet set."
She said, "You've got one that you just wash,
"and put back on, this week and have a change."
And he said, "That's lovely, thank you very much."
So she went to put it on, and it was lovely,
it was all patterned, sort of matching,
and it was really nice.
It was a little bit flowery for him,
just a little bit flowery for him.
And he went in to have a look,
and he didn't want to hurt her feelings,
he came back out and he went, "She's made me bed gay."
(audience laughing)
I said, "No love, just cause it hasn't
"got spunk and dinner in it doesn't make it gay."
(audience laughing)
"Clean, that's the word you're looking for, it's clean."
And his mom had overheard,
and she came in and she said,
"It's not a gay bed,
"if it was a gay bed there'd be shackles."
(audience laughing)
What DVDs has she been fucking watching?
(audience laughing)
But but he is a lovely man, he's lovely.
We were in bed the other day, and he got quite animated,
and he shouted out "Feel how hard that is."
And I thought, "You bugger, it's Tuesday,
"we didn't have this booked in."
(audience laughing)
Turns out, he's talking about the skin on his feet.
(audience laughing)
I thought about taking him to one of those places,
you know, those places that are popping up
all over the place, where it's got a tank
with the fish in, and you put your feet in,
and the fish nibble at the hard skin,
you know those places.
And I thought about taking him to one of those,
I thought I canna do that,
the poor little fish,
they'll think he's got fucking shoes on.
(audience laughing)
I'm just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead.
(audience laughing)
But he's lovely, he's the nicest person I've ever met.
He's a genuinely good man.
And in January of this year I said to him, you know what,
"I think it's about time
"we started talking about the future."
And that's what I expected from him,
like an awkward silence.
(audience laughing)
Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of me life.
(audience laughing)
But he didn't, he just smiled,
just really like a beaming grin.
And I was, I was really touched, and I thought,
"Oh my God, he wants to spend his future with me, yay."
And I said, "Are you sure
"you're all right, talking about the future?"
And he went "What, like flying cars and that?"
(audience laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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