- Please welcome Sarah Silverman.
- Sarah Silverman.
- Congratulations, doll.
(audience cheering)
- How about a hand for our
host for tonight, Seth Rogen.
(audience applause)
Isn't he round?
(audience laughs)
Can't tell if this is a Deus or a line
to suck Judd Apatow's balls.
(Seth Rogan laughs)
It's so dewy.
What is this? The Comedy Central audit of James Franco?
(audience laughs)
I saw the movie, The Guilt Trip
Seth what was it like working with Barbra Streisand?
And how did you two tell each other apart?
(audience laughs)
Like, did one of you wear a carnation or
was it something like that?
Seth's parents actually met at a kibbutz.
If you don't know what a kibbutz is
it's a community in Israel where apparently
they don't allow abortions.
(audience laughs)
Right before the show started Seth rolled a gigantic
fatty, because that was the only way we could get
Jonah Hill on to the stage.
(audience applause and laughter)
Jonah Hill is here. I love Jonah.
Jonah is such a jew-y dick.
You have to watch his movies through a hole in a sheet
(audience laughs)
Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new
Martin Scorsese film because the producers
wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type.
(audience laughter)
But he's slimmed down a lot last year
But what Jonah lost in weight, he gained in weight
(audience laughs)
Jonah, on a scale from 1 to 10, do you own a scale?
(audience laughs)
But seriously, you've had such a body transformation
in the past couple years. You've come a long way
from just being Sonny and Cher's daughter.
(audience laughs)
Natasha Leggero everybody.
I love Natasha so much.
This is Natasha's first roast you guys.
She's like a little chihuahua because she's teeny tiny,
and she's feisty, and she's filled with Mexican DNA .
(audience laughs)
Just to be clear, when I say 'filled with Mexican DNA'
I mean, she's filled with the cum of Mexican people
(audience laughs)
Like, from tons of Mexican gentlemen cumming inside
her vast vagina and also from her guzzling cum.
I just didn't want there to be a misunderstanding.
Speaking of browni-ish people, Aziz Ansari is here.
I have been a huge supporter of Aziz for years
and for only the price of a cup of coffee.
(audience laughs)
By the way Aziz can't stay all night
he's gotta get back in the cupboard.
When --
(audience laughs)
Tonight is about our man of the hour.
Mr. James Edward Franco.
Sitting to my right.
James recently won the ally award
for his support of the LGBT community.
It's a prestigious award that's given anally -- annually.
It's given annually.
(audience laughs)
James is openly a very sexual person.
I don't think James is necessarily gay or straight
I think he just -- he literally can't open his eyes enough
to see who he's fucking.
(audience laughs)
Robert De Niro,
Sean Penn,
Julia Roberts.
These are just some of the huge stars James has worked with
who didn't want to be here tonight
(audience laughs)
But you landed me and uh, I'm so lucky for that.
Congratulations doll.
- Please say hello to the apple of my eye
and the plum in my anus,
Sarah Silverman.
(upbeat music)
- You know what, I'm not going to make fun of
Jimmy this year because, you know
I don't want him to withhold his tiny penis from me.
But,
that's so hacky. He doesn't have a tiny penis.
It looks small next to his gigantic balls.
(audience laughs)
I can't -- I'm a ball man.
(audience cheering)
You know how like
(audience whistles)
You know how a smell can just totally take you back
to a place.
Like the other day, I went into an elevator
and it smelled just like the hallway of my high school.
Jimmy's balls smell exactly like my Nana's house.
- They smell like lemons.
- Benson and Hedges deluxe ultra lights and brisket.
(audience laughs)
God, I miss her.
I-- I
I dunno, maybe its the other way around.
Maybe my Nana's house all these years
have smelled like Jimmy's balls.
Maybe that's how you know it's the one.
(audience laughs)
I'll never forget the first time I saw Jimmy's balls.
They were on Adam Carolla's chin.
(audience laughs)
All right, I'm getting mushy and romantic.
That's not what tonight is about at all.
Let's talk about the woman of the hour.
Pam Anderson. Wow.
(audience cheers)
Now, I don't really know Pam personally,
but I'll never forget the first time I saw her asshole.
(audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] And it was rosy pink.
- I knew she had that special something.
I couldn't put my finger in it.
(audience laughs)
She's gorgeous of course, you know
but even she'll admit that it takes work, you know?
I mean she literally spends hours
primping and waxing and bleaching,
but enough about her asshole.
Let's talk about
say, her vagina.
It's the only way you can tell a woman's true hair color.
And lucky for you, I actually caught a glimpse of it
backstage while she was changing and her true hair color
bald.
Totally bald.
(audience cheers)
You know a lot of people say, "Oh Pam Anderson wouldn't
be anyone without her tits."
I mean that is just not true.
It's not true
She'd be Paris Hilton.
(audience laughs)
Andy Dick.
Andy.
- [Audience Member] Stay sober. Stay Sober.
- Here's to it.
- [Sarah Silverman] Andy is an inspiration to me
his body actually turns cocaine into riboflavin.
(audience laughs)
A lot of people make jokes about Andy being gay.
I am here to tell you, Andy is definitely straight.
He just asked out Katie Holmes.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Everybody's doing jokes about Bea Arthur has a penis.
It's so mean and I happen to know for fact
that she doesn't have a penis. She has a vagina, okay?
She has a big floppidy, sloppy, bushy, wiry, gray vagina.
(audience cheers)
Which reminds me, Courtney Love is here.
Who I love.
(audience cheers)
- I'm trying to steal your boyfriend.
- [Sarah Silverman] I know, it's okay.
I was like, it's weird, like I was curious
to see, like which Courtney Love was gonna show up
you know, the uh, smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore,
or the violent, smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore.
(audience laughs)
Wow!
No, I'm so glad she's here.
I left my crack in my other purse.
(audience laughs)
- [Courtney Love] I don't do that anymore Sarah
I swear to God it's been a year.
- [Sarah Silverman] You got it doll.
(audience laughs)
But we're here for Pam, who is an amazing
special, gorgeous,
and kind
person
who's only here because of a huge donation
that Comedy Central agreed to give to PETA where she works.
And she's amazing, especially her work
with the one-eyed trouser snake. Which she did
a few years ago.
(audience cheers)
She actually, um
she made a video actually
uh,
where she um, cradled it in her arms
and actually nursed it back to life with her mouth.
All that, and she still has time to suck Tommy Lee's cock
on a yacht in St. Barts.
God bless you Pamela and happy Birthday America.
Roasting Bob Saget?
I heard that Bob Saget calls his balls the Olsen Twins.
And that's actually, I know for a fact that's not true
because um, he calls them Michelle.
Greg Giraldo
it's like, I think he's Hispanic.
He's like nine different things.
He's like nine different nationalities
or maybe eight, I don't know
is gay a nationality?
Norm, Jim Norton, Greg Giraldo.
Why don't they just -- they should have done their roast
at the race track, you know?
Where Norm works.
Oh, who's the like,
really pretty little girl from Full House?
Oh, um
John Stamos. He's hosting it.
That should be good.
I wish so much that I could be at the roast in person
but I um, I just after everything I've been through lately
I really need to be around people that make me laugh.
(audience laughs)
I got Bob's mother to tape something
and I just got it, so let's look at it.
- Bobby, what a son. (laughs)
I was proud of you when you were bar mitzvahed.
And when you got married and had those wonderful children.
And all those millions you made on Full House
and America's Home Videos.
Ah, if I had to do it over again
I'd probably get an abortion.
(audience laughs)
- I know that's Bob's mother
and it was so sweet of her to do that
but I just hate that. I hate
when people use words like "abortion" just for a laugh.
You know what I mean? It's cheap. It's like
it's lazy comics just
getting a laugh with shock value
especially when it comes to Susie Essman's (beep).
(upbeat dance music)