- How many friends am I gonna make
if I take off all my clothes
and run through a shopping center naked
trying to hug people,
and say won't somebody please accept me as I am?
It doesn't work like that clearly, it doesn't.
So it's no secret that trying to make friends
is one of the biggest challenges
for a lot of people on the autism spectrum.
So today I'm going to share a little bit of insight
into a couple of reasons as to why that is,
and share what is in my opinion,
the absolute worst advice you can possibly give
to someone on the spectrum who is trying to make friends
and struggling to make friends.
When I think back to my childhood
especially my early primary years.
Those really early childhood years.
I didn't know that I was supposed to copy
everyone else around me.
I was the kid in kindergarten where everyone else
was copying the dance moves of the teacher,
and I was just looking at everyone else thinking,
oh, this is really strange,
everyone else is doing the same thing.
I wondered why, how curious.
So it's like I just completely lacked the instinct
to copy everyone else and fit in,
and do what everyone else was doing.
So because of this, I ended up just doing
whatever I felt like
And the natural consequence of that
is I ended up not being included in what the other kids
were doing so it became harder and harder
to relate to the other kids my own age.
And then pretty soon as we started growing up,
they started assuming that I didn't wanna be part of them
that I didn't want to do whatever they were doing.
And that led to being on the outside,
and trying to figure out for a lot of my life
especially my teenage years looking
from the outside trying to figure out
how do I get in to this little community of other people
'cause I desperately wanted to connect with other people,
and be included in that space.
But I didn't know how to do that
without just copying what everyone else was doing.
So the natural reaction to that is to think
that if I wanna be included in whatever they're doing,
I need to act like them and talk like them,
and be like them so that they can accept me,
and we can be friends.
So maybe you can see where I'm going with this.
Obviously trying to fit in at all costs
can create some significant issues.
So much so that you may have seen on social media this week
the #TakeTheMaskOff.
Raising awareness for the toll that
having to wear a mask and try to pass as normal
can take on autistic people who feel that
that is the only way that they're ever going to be accepted
by society and have this connection to other people
that we all crave as human beings.
So with that in mind, I wanna talk about
a really common piece of advice
that's actually really good for most people
but probably the worst thing you could possibly say
to someone on the autism spectrum.
And that is the advice to just be yourself,
and stop caring what other people think.
Now on the surface that might sound
like a really good idea
and if I'm trying to fit in at all cost.
Surely it's better to just be myself
however if we dial this all the way back to the beginning.
The reason that I'm in this mess in the first place
is because when I was really little,
I didn't care what other people thought about me
and because of that I wasn't trying to fit in.
I wasn't trying to do what everyone else did
and I was 100% being myself without thinking of
what the consequences would be for me socially to do that.
So while 99% of the population probably does care too much
about what other people think and probably does feel
this inherit drive to fit in at all cost.
I've found that people on the spectrum.
Tend to be the opposite.
And I know this was definitely true for me.
I actually needed encouragement to do
those socially acceptable things
that everyone else took for granted.
So interestingly if the worst advice you can possibly give
is just be yourself and don't care at all
about what anyone else thinks.
Then the next worst advice is the exact opposite
which is fit in at all cost.
Wear that mask, always perform in public.
So let's remember what the goal is, right.
The goal is to find a way to be connected and included
and feel valued, loved and accepted
by the other people in our lives.
I would like friends,
I want to have meaningful relationships.
I wanna be employed.
I wanna have a place in society with other people.
So if I don't care about what other people think,
It's gonna be almost impossible to achieve all that.
But at the same time if I cared too much
about what other people think
then I'm not going to be myself enough
to form any genuine connection with another person.
One of the things that I've learned
in my journey towards emotional intelligence
is that what other people think and feel about me
makes a huge difference to how they treat me.
People that like me, will be treat me better.
People that don't like me, will treat me worst.
So obviously, it's important for people to like me
and to understand me.
Otherwise I will be treated unfairly by other people
my entire life and we all know what that looks like.
Chronic unemployment, social isolation.
The list goes on and it's really not pretty.
So telling people to just be yourself
and not care about what other people think.
That's actually a really sad place to end up,
and unfortunately, it is the message that I hear
from a lot of especially adults on the spectrum
who have been so burned by trying to fit into society
that they say, "No, that's it.
"I'm not trying anymore, I can't try anymore.
"I'm just gonna accept the rejection of society.
"I'm not gonna try and connect.
"I'm not gonna try and make friends.
"I've given up on making friends.
"I've given up on trying to find meaningful relationships."
And that is not a fun place to be.
So my message instead is do not give up on making
meaningful connections with other people.
It's a hundred percent possible to be yourself,
and find that connection and inclusion at the same time.
It's all about finding a socially acceptable version
of what being myself looks like.
So if I go out in public, I don't wanna cover myself up.
I wanna express myself in a way that is going to be
received well by others.
A good analogy is like wearing clothes.
My body is perfectly fine exactly how it is,
but for social reasons when I'm on camera,
when I'm in public
I wear clothes over the top of my body to express who I am
in a way that is socially acceptable
to strip off everything,
and say this is the raw, naked me all the time,
a hundred percent.
That is not in a format that allows
people to receive that well.
How many friends am I gonna make
of I run through a shopping center naked
saying won't somebody please accept me
exactly how I am?
It doesn't work like that in society.
Everyone has a version of themselves
ideally an authentic version of themselves
that they put forward in any given situation.
There are things that I say and do
when I'm home alone that I would not say and do
in a professional setting for example.
Am I less myself in a professional setting?
No, hopefully not.
Hopefully, my professional version of myself, my on camera
for example version of myself is still an authentic version.
It's just the version that is appropriate
for what I'm doing right now.
Sometimes people call this the socially constructed self.
It's still myself, I'm still being myself.
It's just the side of myself that I'm gonna show
to any given person at any given time
to maximize my chance of connection with that person,
and being included in that setting.
Okay, well I hope I've been making sense today.
I really wanna support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign
'cause it's really important
that we don't cover up who we are to try and fit in
because that prevents the possibility of genuine connection
with other people unless we can be ourselves first.
But on the other hand if I don't care at all
about what other people think of me.
I've essentially given up on trying to make that connection
and trying to be included in the society that I live in.
And that can have some pretty extreme
negative consequences, unfortunately.
So thanks for watching, I hoped that you've enjoyed that.
I'm clearly very passionate about this topic
of inclusion and helping people build
that genuine connection so please share this video.
If you'd like support the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign
and yeah I'll see you another time, bye.
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