- What would you like a rap about?
Suggestion number one.
- [Audience Member] Socks.
- Socks. Lovely. Cool.
What type of socks do you enjoy most?
- [Audience Member] Cotton.
- Cotton. Very specific.
I was like, you know, the high socks,
the ankle socks.
And you were like, no, I'm going for the fabric.
Cotton socks.
- We had a cat that was called Socks,
and we call it Socks because we had two,
but lost one in the washing machine.
(crowd laughing)
- Aw, that's nice.
That's not why he was called Socks, but you know,
it's called Socks 'cause I used to come in it.
(audience laughing)
Silly.
Cotton socks, thank you for saying that.
Gives me a chance to whip out my old joke
that my agent told me, never tell that on stage.
- [Audience Member] Range Rover.
- Range Rover, okay.
Yeah, that I just check, that's the car.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Good. Cool. Just I just wanna check.
It sounds like a, you know,
fucking far right organization.
We're the Range Rovers.
(audience laughing)
People in the middle, excluding Lincolnshire,
what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Alpine skiing.
- Alpine skiing.
Thank you for clarifying as well.
Alpine skiing, Range Rovers, cotton socks,
people in this corner, what do you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Edinburgh.
- Edinburgh, lovely.
Fucking lovely accent,
I love the Edinburgh accent.
I'll do that section of the rap
in the Edinburgh accent.
I met my wife in Edinburgh,
proposed in Edinburgh,
Got married in Inverness,
'cause the Edinburgh cathedral
was too fancy for us.
I apologize.
You guys are like,
isn't Scotland the same as England?
No, don't tell him that,
he will murder you.
People over here, what do you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Kanye West.
- Okay, you said Kanye West,
and what did you say?
- [Audience Member] Imperialism.
- Imperialism?
(audience laughing)
Wow, people really enjoy
non-metric measurement systems, I guess.
Heyyy. Hey.
Kanye West and imperialism, Edinburgh,
cotton socks, Range Rover,
and the other one that we got was...
- [Audience Member] Alpine skiing.
- Alpine skiing, of course,
you're so enthusiastic about that.
And then Mr. Lincolnshire,
you should hold onto your suggestion,
we're going to come to you
in the middle of the rap for it.
What I'll do is I'll kind of thrust the microphone
in your face and you'll tell me
the suggestion and we'll carry on just because
usually I only take five suggestions.
We've got six,
and I'm worried if I get it from you now,
I'll forget about it.
So, let's get this all set up.
This is how the show is going,
it's gonna be a freestyle rap to end it.
I'm excited, and I want you guys to not worry,
'cause it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously, toe-curlingly,
embarrassingly bad
as you are expecting a privately educated,
middle class white British boy to be.
It's gonna be good.
I know I'm convinced.
I just don't think you guys are.
(audience laughing)
- Automobiles in the rap,
strange to go there,
wrappers on the dashboard
in the Range Rover.
Not the Land Rover, understand y'all,
I be rocking there in my 4x4.
Technically it's 4-wheel drive,
I was taught that by the Rover guys.
They're like, yeah, owned by Jaguar
in the past, any automobile mechanics
take me to task like
on the country roads, there,
in the muddy grooves,
in my Ranger Rover I'll be hanging with the youths,
in the back, like a soccer mommy,
an SUV, or I got much money and I put it in the garage.
Off to the garden, I'm looking around,
I'm feeling like I'm starving,
I wanna do something up high, altitude, why?
'Cause I'm a fly guy,
and so I supply myself with a bit of skis,
going off to Austria and traveling with these.
It's such a short hop when I'm there from Heathrow,
I'm on the top of this piste,
I'm like 'yo beast go'.
Down the side, really hard to resist 'em,
chatting all the honeys there on the chairlift,
they look at me saying, Chris,
put the skiing in your rap,
I say yeah, après ski with some nice little schnapps
in the glass.
(audience cheering)
Alpine, with some white wine,
you can go there anytime,
do it in the summer 'cause I'm traveling off
to New Zealand, alpine skiing, you can understand.
Technically New Zealand wouldn't be the alpine region,
but we're coming over here,
and we're sending in the Legions,
I've gotta ask, put them in prison,
the natives, I mean, with imperialism.
(audience laughing)
We transport, hands overseas,
we're trying to get back to the British country.
It used to be amazing, don't stop and think,
hundred fifty years ago, the whole map was pink.
That was the color of England, the British Empire.
I know Kanye West might really aspire
to be imperial with his raps from the speed
'cause he's trying to get control
by releasing sneakers
and divorcing Kim Kardashian.
Will they ever be friends again?
Who's even saying? It would be so hard to say.
This one for sure, it's cold up there
when you're in Edinburgh. Edin-brrr, cold,
(audience cheers)
shiver in your bones,
off to the castle, you should all know,
a real fun Edinburgh fact
that I can say this,
that's the only castle that's ever been invaded
in Scotland.
It's got a very large cliff.
If you try and walk up and enter it,
they're like, "Aye wee buddy,
you should be finished,
we're going to stab you in the face."
Why?
"'Cause you're English."
We don't like them,
you're gonna grab this, if you're there,
maybe get some deep-fried haggis
or a deep-fried Mars bar.
Ever so pretty.
Genuinely, if you're there,
please go to the City Chippy, it's incredible.
They've got the nice salt and sauce,
maybe get some Irn-Bru,
I be getting on the horse,
not a heroin joke,
not a problem for you,
I'm just sitting there wearing my riding shoes,
I need to make sure that I got my crop
and got some close-fitting things
that ride to the top, call 'em socks.
People say, Chris have you forgotten
of the fabric of the socks,
I'm like, no they're made of cotton.
It's incredible.
(audience cheers)
It just wicks away the moisture.
Do you want some man-made fabrics,
got a choice to, I'm like no.
I tried once to get some shit socks,
they were made of nylon and with elastane
so it gripped, so they didn't fall down.
Cotton is a wonderful fabric and I find,
although it has a problematic history
in your country.
You're like 'whoa, Chris,
please don't confront me.'
Anyway, last thing we do,
man in the front row from Lincoln, coming to you,
you've got a little pause or bar,
where you can shout out your word?
- [Audience Member] Golf balls.
- Golf balls, we all heard that,
we're like while we're waiting,
could it be better,
shouting out golf balls,
with the texture of your sweater,
if you can't see it, I'll make it really simple,
'cause just like your sweater,
golf balls are white and dimpled.
(audience cheers)