- What are the internet's
10 most searched relationship questions
and what are my answers to those questions?
Mended Light.
(upbeat jazz music)
All right, welcome to "Therapist Reacts Raw,"
where my producers give me something to react to
that I'm just flying blind, I've never seen it before.
So they have compiled Google's
10 most searched relationship questions for me to answer.
Without further ado, let's dive in.
"What is the difference between dating and relationships?"
Well, it depends, 'cause dating is a relationship.
I mean, if we're gonna get really, you know,
type four about it. (laughing)
I have a relationship
with anybody who I interact with.
Someone who's serving me hot chocolate,
we have a type of relationship, my friends.
So I think this question is talking specifically
about a romantic relationship.
The biggest difference between dating and a relationship,
in my mind, is exclusivity, right?
Now, some polyamorous folks would disagree with that,
and that's a whole different world
with a whole different set of rules.
And so I'm gonna talk about classic monogamy, right?
But for those who are polyamorous,
I'd love to hear from you in the comments below,
what's the difference for you between dating
and a relationship?
In a classic monogamous relationship,
it's the degree of exclusivity, right?
If we're dating, in my opinion,
that means that we go out, right?
We spend time together.
We go on dates.
When someone says, "Are you two dating?"
it's kind of a gray area.
I always ask, "Do you mean are we exclusive
or just are we going out?"
Right, I always ask that question,
because to me, 'cause it means different things
to different people.
To me, that's what dating means,
whereas being in a relationship means
there's not really anybody else, right?
We've excluded all other possibilities
and we're focusing in on each other
and seeing if this thing's gonna go the distance.
So that, to me, is the difference
between dating and a relationship.
"Can you date multiple people?"
Yeah, I think you absolutely can,
'cause the purpose of dating is one, to have fun,
but two, it's to try different people out
and see who's a fit for you, right?
Presuming you're looking
for a long-term, committed relationship.
So, dating multiple people is fine,
as long as everybody knows.
As long as you're being very clear and upfront,
"Just so you know, I'm not being exclusive
with you right now."
You know, "I'm taking other offers.
I'm going on other dates.
Does that work for you or do you want to be exclusive?"
I think as long as everyone's aware
and everyone's on the same page, it's not a problem.
I know, for example, in college,
I dated a lotta people at the same time,
not exactly the same time.
It wasn't like a sitcom where I have a date
on this side of the restaurant
and a date on that side of the restaurant
and I'm running back and forth.
But I dated a lotta people at once.
But once someone was my girlfriend,
then I wasn't dating anybody else, right?
So it's just communication and boundaries
and managing expectations.
"What is a healthy dating relationship?"
A healthy dating relationship
is an honest dating relationship.
It's a genuine dating relationship where people,
'cause most everybody,
Dr. John Van Epp in his book
"How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk,"
he talks about it takes at least 90 days
for people to show you who they are, right?
'Cause we're all putting our best foot forward.
So what's a healthy dating relationship?
I'm showing you who I really am,
and who I really am is kind,
respectful, genuine, forgiving, accountable, humble,
teachable, considerate, conscientious, right?
So a healthy dating relationship is one
in which both partners are being real
and both partners are being good to each other.
And if you're being dishonest, or you're being deceitful,
or you're stepping out with somebody else,
or you're being manipulative or abusive
or controlling or neglectful,
then that's not a healthy dating relationship.
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"When is a relationship over?"
Sometimes relationships are over
in the sense that we're not talking,
we're not seeing each other, we're not going out,
we don't text, we don't call, we don't interact.
There is no relationship.
It's like that Gotye song,
"Somebody That I Used to Know," right?
A lot of other times, though, relationships are like energy.
They just change form.
Like if someone dies,
the molecules just take on a different form.
They don't stop existing.
A lot of relationships go from friendship to romantic
and back to friendship.
We tried romance, it didn't work.
I know people who are healthier and happier
and closer as friends after they got divorced
than when they were married,
'cause they weren't relying on each other
to be partners in a partnership
that wasn't gonna work, right?
And now they can just enjoy their friendship.
And so that relationship isn't over.
It's just changed form.
How do you know when a relationship is over?
If it's over, over, done, done,
I'd say you're not physical anymore.
You know, people can say, "We're not in a relationship.
We're just having sex," and I'm like,
"Sex is a pretty intimate form of a relationship."
Even if you say there's no attachment
or there's no obligation or commitment,
it's still a relationship.
So when is the relationship over?
You're not kissing, you're not making out,
you're not having sex.
You've agreed to not share a life together anymore.
And in some cases, that means you're not talking at all.
And in other cases, like I say,
it just changes form into something else.
"Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?"
No, categorically, it's not.
Is it a natural human behavior?
Yeah, absolutely.
I would say it's something to be worked through.
If I'm feeling jealous, it means one of two things.
One, I've got a jealousy problem
and I need to work through that because I feel insecure,
or two, my partner is behaving in a way
that is untrustworthy and now I'm feeling jealous.
And I need to explore,
"Oh, there's a reason for that.
There's a reason for that jealousy," okay?
So, is jealousy healthy?
No. Is it natural? Yes.
And it needs to be worked through.
If my partner's behaving in a way that is untrustworthy,
then that needs to change or we don't have a relationship.
But if they're acting completely trustworthy
and I'm just the jealous type,
then we may need to explore what's going on for me
or at least discuss what our boundaries are,
what our expectations are.
And I just may need that reassurance.
"Sex on a first date?"
No.
Not if your goal
is to be in a healthy, committed relationship.
Now, some of you are already,
"But no, my partner and I,
we had sex on the first date and we're still together
and we're still happy."
Yes, absolutely.
There are plenty of people that happens to,
but they are the exceptions, not the rule.
Statistically, sex on the first date tends to go bad.
I mean, the sex may or may not go bad,
but it tends to go bad for the relationship.
The reason being is that sex is bonding, right?
We try and say that it's not,
but oxytocin, vasopressin, these are bonding hormones
that are released into our bloodstream and into our brains
when we have sex that bond us together.
And we run the risk of feeling like we know the person more
than we actually do and that we're more in love
than we actually are, and it's just a mirage.
Slowing it down,
and you might be second-guessing their motives, right?
"They just wanna get into my pants
or do they really care about me?"
There's no real way to know if you just jump into bed
on the first date.
Again, there are exceptions to that rule, plenty of them,
but if we're running the numbers,
if we're playing the odds,
it's best not to have sex on the first date.
It's best to slow it down and take time
to actually get to know somebody.
See if who you think they are matches who they actually are
so you can trust them
and to rely on them for awhile, right?
So when you actually get physically involved,
you know exactly who you're getting physically involved with
and you don't have that awful experience
of feeling used and feeling like this person isn't
who you thought they were.
And you shared this most intimate special part of yourself
with them and then got trashed for it.
"How should I break up with someone?"
The only time you should break up with someone via text
is if that person is dangerous
and it's not a good idea for you to be
in their actual presence, right?
Otherwise, I would say it's never okay.
Like I know this is the generation we're in,
but it's so avoidant and it's so cowardly and disrespectful.
If this was just a standard relationship
and it's just not working out,
to not have the decency to do it face-to-face,
and how do you do it?
I think you be honest.
There's so many cliche phrases,
"It's not you, it's me," and blah blah blah,
but I think it's best to with compassion be honest and say,
"This isn't working for me
and I don't want it to continue.
If you would like, I can tell you the things
that I appreciated about you as a partner,
and I can also tell you the things that didn't work for me.
Is that something you'd like to hear?"
And they could say yes or no.
And if they say no, you could say,
"If you ever wanna have that conversation,
I'm happy to have it," right?
But you also need to be happy
to hear their feedback as well.
But I would just,
it depends on the circumstances,
but as far as what you'd say,
but telling the truth with compassion,
but also directness,
I've found to be the best.
"When to say I love you?"
Again, you don't truly know somebody
for at least three months.
You may think you do,
but most people are on their best behavior
and only showing you the parts of you they want you to see
for those first three months.
I'm not saying don't say it before then.
If you're saying it before then,
you run the risk of, well, what I'm actually saying is
I love the idea of you or I love who I think you are.
My advice is to take it slow.
Spend at least three months getting to know somebody.
Spend at least three months seeing them
in a variety of different circumstances,
in a variety of different relationships.
Take at least three months,
seeing if who you think they are matches up
with who they actually are and constantly be shifting,
right, those expectations in accordance
with that new information.
And if you can't wait three months,
at least don't say it in the first two weeks. (laughing)
"When to text back?"
I don't know.
I don't believe in playing games or being strategic,
you know, the whole,
I don't wanna come off too desperate thing.
Look, if this wasn't a romantic partner
or a potential romantic partner,
if this were one of your friends
or one of your family members,
how often would you text back?
How soon would you text back?
Don't do it any different for this.
Because later on, this person,
assuming you're in a long-term, committed relationship,
how you text back everybody else may be
about how you text them back.
Unless how you text back everybody else is terrible
(laughing) and it takes you days or weeks,
in which case, I would say it's always a good idea
to text back that same day.
Don't leave someone hanging more than 12 to 24 hours,
if you're trying to play it cool, right?
But definitely don't just sit by your phone
and answer every text every second
and give up the rest of your life,
'cause that's not healthy either.
"How to kiss?"
Honestly, best advice, best practice, take it slow.
You're not eating a hoagie.
Take it slow, be gentle, draw them into the experience.
Hands on the back, hands in the hair,
not hands on the bootie.
Like you don't, you gotta earn that.
That's not a first kiss type situation.
And slowly bring them in close,
and if they're reciprocating and it's going well,
then slowly build it.
Don't get so passionate,
I mean, if by all means,
they want you to keep getting passionate,
go for it if that's what you want to do,
but read their body signals.
Don't just get lost in what you're feeling.
Pay attention to them.
That's how to kiss.
Do everything gently and slowly at first,
and then go from there.
There you go.
That was fun, I like doing that.
So, if you enjoyed this,
check out how to stop picking partners
that hurt you, one of our other videos.
If you need help with your romantic relationships,
I have a Healthy Dating course
on our Mended Light membership that you can watch right now.
If you feel like you want more support than that,
you can work with a member of our team.
Just go to MendedLight.com
to learn about the membership site
or to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation
with one of our specialists.
What relationship questions do you have
that you'd like for me to answer?
Let me know in the comments below.
I'll do another one of these.
Until next time, folks, keep shining, we need your light.
(upbeat jazz music)