WELCOME. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, FOLKS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER HERE IS
A BROADWAY THEATER. BUT THIS IS A LATE NIGHT COMEDY
SHOW. SO IF ANY OF YOU ARE HERE TO SEE
"THE LION KING," I'M SURE YOU'RE UPSET BUT:
HAKUNA MA-TOO BAD. AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A LATE
NIGHT COMEDY SHOW, WE TRY TO TALK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE
TALKING ABOUT. AND TODAY, I'M SURE YOU KNOW
WHAT EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IS HORRIBLE AND FAMILIAR
AND HORRIBLE BECAUSE IT'S SO FAMILIAR.
YESTERDAY, THERE WAS YET ANOTHER SCHOOL SHOOTING, THIS TIME IN
NASHVILLE. AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO READ
THIS NEWS OR SEE ANY OF THE FOOTAGE WITHOUT
BEING HEARTBROKEN FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND FOR OUR
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. BECAUSE THIS IS THE 130TH MASS
SHOOTING OF 2023, AND 2023 IS ONLY 87 DAYS OLD.
NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS IS AN INSANE DERELICTION OF OUR
COLLECTIVE HUMANITY. AND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION HERE IS
ONE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS PROPOSED:
AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN. WE'VE HAD ONE BEFORE,
FROM 1994 TO 2004. AND IT WORKED.
DURING THAT BAN, THE RISK OF DYING IN A MASS SHOOTING WAS 70%
LOWER THAN IT IS TODAY. THAT JUST MAKES SENSE.
FEWER GUNS EQUALS FEWER SHOOTINGS.
IT'S THE SAME REASON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S NOT COMPLICATED. IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
IT MIGHT BE HARD BUT IT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
THAT'S JUST MATH. IT'S THE SAME REASON THESE DAYS
WE HAVE FEWER STRANGULATIONS WITH A LAND LINE.
IT'S A SIMPLE, COMMONSENSE IDEA THAT REPUBLICANS ARE
DESPERATE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
TAKE CONGRESSMAN AND GUY ON THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
TRAINING ZOOM WHO'S ABOUT TO UNMUTE AND EXPLAIN THAT THE GIRL
IN SCENARIO B OVERREACTED BECAUSE, IF ANYTHING, THE
WAREHOUSE GUYS WERE GIVING HER A COMPLIMENT, TIM BURCHETT.
BURCHETT OPPOSES DOING AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN AND
APPARENTLY DOING ANYTHING ELSE. HERE'S WHAT THE CONGRESSMAN SAID
ABOUT THE SHOOTING. >> IT'S A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE SITUATION. AND WE'RE NOT GONNA FIX IT.
CRIMINALS ARE GOING TO BE CRIMINALS.
>> Stephen: YES, I SUPPOSE AS A LAWMAKER, HE COULD, I DON'T
KNOW, MAKE A LAW. BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT
OF WORK. DESPAIR IS SO MUCH MORE
EFFICIENT. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT SIGN
ON THE SUBWAY. "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, WHATEVS.
BOMBERS GONNA BOMB." HERE'S THE NEXT THING HE SAID.
>> MY DADDY FOUGHT THE SECOND WORLD WAR, FOUGHT IN THE
PACIFIC. THE JAPANESE, AND HE TOLD ME,
HE SAID, "BUDDY, IF SOMEBODY WANTS TO TAKE YOU OUT AND
DOESN'T MIND LOSING THEIR LIFE, THERE'S NOT A WHOLE HECK OF A
LOT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT." >> Stephen: COUNTERPOINT:
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE
WORLD WAR II. THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER HEAR:
"ATTENTION, STUDENTS. IT'S TUESDAY.
THAT MEANS SLOPPY JOES FOR LUNCH, AND FOR RECESS,
WE'RE STORMING IWO JIMA." ONE GUEST ON FOX NEWS, WHO IS
SPEAKING UNDER FOOTAGE HERE, SAID THIS.
>> THAT SEEMS TO BE A COMMON PATTERN IN MANY OF THESE
SHOOTINGS. >> Stephen: HMM, WHAT COULD THAT
"THAT" BE THAT SHE IS REFERRING TO?
THAT ONE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT INVOLVED IN EVERY MASS SHOOTING.
FOR NO REASON, I'M GOING TO DRINK THIS GLASS OF WATER
WHILE SHE SAYS WHAT THAT IS. >> A SIDE DOOR.
>> [SPITTING] >> Stephen: REALLY?
A SIDE DOOR? THAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SOON, THAT DESPERATE HUNK OF BULLCRAP WAS SPREAD
ALL OVER FOX NEWS. >> THE FACT THAT THIS PERSON
COULD GO THROUGH A SIDE DOOR MEANS SECURITY NEEDS TO BE
TAKEN MORE SERIOUS. >> IF THIS DOOR, EVEN IF IT WAS
ANOTHER DOOR, SIDE DOOR WAS OPEN AND ACCESSIBLE,
>> CLOSE OR LOCK THE DAMN DOOR. PERIOD.
>> Stephen: YES, CLEARLY, WE NEED COMMON SENSE
DOOR REFORM! FOLKS, WE CAN'T STOP AT SIDE
DOORS. DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE
ENTER A BUILDING AT THE FRONT DOOR?
SO WE NEED TO GET RID OF THOSE, TOO.
HERE'S HOW IT'LL WORK. ON THE FIRST DAY
OF KINDERGARTEN, YOU DROP OFF YOUR KIDS AT SCHOOL, THEN THEY
JUST BRICK UP THE ENTRANCE. ONE TUBE IN FOR FOOD
AND ONE TUBE OUT FOR WASTE. 12 YEARS LATER, WE BUST DOWN
THE WALL KOOL-AID MAN STYLE, GIVE THEM THEIR DIPLOMA, AND
THEN AND ONLY THEN, INFORM THEM THERE WAS ONCE A THING
CALLED SLAVERY AND GAY PEOPLE EXIST.
THEY CAN'T LEARN THAT IN SCHOOL.
IT'S FAR TOO DANGEROUS. NOW...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> OH, YEAH!
ANOTHER TRAGEDY REPUBLICANS REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT:
THE FORMER PRESIDENT. HE'S IN A WHOLE MESS OF
TROUBLE, INCLUDING RIGHT HERE IN MANHATTAN, WHERE
HE'S FACING INDICTMENT FOR ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS
IN COVERING UP THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR.
AND YESTERDAY, WE GOT A NEW TWIST INVOLVING FORMER
"NATIONAL ENQUIRER" PUBLISHER AND DENTIST EXPLAINING THAT
WHILE YOU WERE OUT, SOMEONE STOLE ALL YOUR TEETH,
DAVID PECKER. AND LIKE ALWAYS, IT'S NEVER GOOD
WHEN THE PECKER UNEXPECTEDLY POPS UP.
HE ALREADY TESTIFIED IN THE STORMY CASE,
BUT SOMETHING SPICY MUST BE GOING ON, BECAUSE YESTERDAY,
PECKER TESTIFIED AGAIN IN THE HUSH MONEY INQUIRY.
OR AS THE "NATIONAL ENQUIRER" REPORTED IT,
"BOMBSHELL: HARRY CHEATS ON MEGHAN WITH BAT BOY!"
SO WHY IS PECKER EVEN INVOLVED? WELL, THE GUY IS KNOWN FOR
HELPING THE FORMER PREZ QUASH EMBARRASSING GOSSIP BY PAYING
FOR EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO SOMEONE'S STORY WITH
NO INTENTION OF PUBLISHING IT, A PRACTICE THEY CALL
"CATCH AND KILL," OF COURSE, ALSO THE LESS POPULAR COUSINS OF
SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP. WITH THE INDICTMENT WALLS
CLOSING IN, LAST NIGHT, THE EX-PRESIDENT
SAT DOWN WITH HIS BUDDY, CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT AND THE
FIRST THING FOX NEWS VIEWERS SEE WHEN THEY DIE, SEAN HANNITY.
HE'S WAITING. HE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE.
HANNITY ASKED THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT HIS TRUTH SOCIAL
POST FROM THE WEEKEND, WHERE HE PUT UP THIS THREATENING
PHOTO OF HIMSELF WIELDING A BASEBALL BAT NEXT TO A PHOTO
OF MANHATTAN D.A. ALVIN BRAGG'S HEAD.
IT SEEMS OMINOUS. BUT NOT IF YOU ASK THE GUY
HOLDING THE BAT. >> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT
WHEN THE STORY WAS PUT UP -- I PUT UP A STORY, WE DIDN'T SEE
PICTURES. AND THEY PUT UP A PICTURE OF ME
AND YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS HOLDING THE BASEBALL BAT?
IT WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, "MAKE AMERICA, BUY AMERICA"
BECAUSE I DID A LOT OF "BUY AMERICA" THINGS, AND THIS
WAS A COMPANY THAT MAKES BASEBALL BATS.
THEN THEY PUT NEXT TO THAT PICTURE, A PICTURE
OF ALVIN BRAGG. I DIDN'T DO IT.
THEY DID IT. THE -- THE, I GUESS THE PEOPLE
THAT DO THE PAPER OR SOMEBODY PUT PICTURES TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: AFTER THAT RAMBLING EXPLANATION I THINK I
HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA OF WHO GOT HIT WITH A BAT.
HANNITY ALSO ASKED THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT THE FBI'S
INVESTIGATION INTO HIS MISHANDLING OF CLASSIFIED
RECORDS AND DESPERATELY TRIED TO GIVE HIM AN ESCAPE ROUTE.
>> I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU EVER SAYING, "UM, BRING ME
SOME OF THE BOXES THAT WE BROUGHT BACK
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT THEM."
DID YOU EVER DO THAT? >> I WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO
THAT. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
>> I KNOW YOU, I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD DO IT.
>> I DON' HAVE A LOT OF TIME BUT I WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO
DO THAT. I WOULD DO THAT.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET ME MOVE ON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: OBJECTION, OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!
LEADING THE WITNESS! AND SOMEHOW FAILING TO DO THAT!
WITNESS NOT REALIZE I'M TRYING. OF COURSE, BESIDES HIS DAY JOB
AS "DEFENDANT," HE HAS A SIDE HUSTLE RUNNING
TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT IN 2024.
AND ACCORDING TO LEAKS, HIS CAMPAIGN IS WARNING
POTENTIAL DeSANTIS STAFFERS THEY WON'T BE HIRED TO WORK
FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT. TAKE THAT, DeSANTIS EMPLOYEES!
IF YOU GO WORK FOR RON, YOU MIGHT NEVER GET THE CHANCE
TO GO TO PRISON, OR BE DISBARRED, OR DESTROY YOUR
LEGACY AS AN AMERICAN HERO IN FRONT OF A DILDO STORE.
DILDO STORE. FIXES EVERYTHING.
I COULD SAY ANY SENTENCE AND ENDED WITH THE WORDS "DILDO
STORE." REPORTEDLY, THIS RULE CAME AFTER
THE EX PREZ LOST SEVERAL STAFFERS TO A DESANTIS SUPERPAC,
INCLUDING A TOP COMMUNICATIONS AIDE NAMED MATT WOLKING,
WHO TWEETED YESTERDAY THAT "WITH DeSANTIS AS PRESIDENT
WE WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO WIN SO MUCH THAT WE'LL BE TIRED OF
ALL THE WINNING." WHAT?
"TIRED OF ALL THE WINNING?" I CAN SEE WHY THE
EX-PRESIDENT IS PISSED. THEY'RE STEALING ALL HIS
BEST LINES! IT EXPLAINS THE GOVERNOR'S
NEW SLOGAN. DeSANTIS 2024:
I GUESS THE PEOPLE THAT DO THE PAPER OR SOMEBODY PUT PICTURES
TOGETHER. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE
MARY J. BLIGE AND COOKBOOK AUTHOR
ALISON ROMAN, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
IT'S "MEANWHILE"! STICK AROUND.