The COVID-19 pandemic,
the virus that's somehow been to more parts of America
than Guy Fieri.
Back in March, when we first realized how serious it was,
a lot of people were like, "Damn, this might not be over
until, like, the summer."
Well, summer's here, and it turns out
corona might just be getting started.
NEWSMAN: Across the country,
states are shattering coronavirus records,
with nearly 35,000 cases yesterday in the U.S.,
the highest one-day total in two months.
Today in Florida, a record 5,500 new cases,
while California has seen a 29% jump in hospitalizations
in just two weeks.
And in Texas, the governor's sounding the alarm.
Houston's Texas Medical Center reports 97%
of the area's current ICU beds are filled,
nearly three out of ten, with COVID patients.
NEWSWOMAN: Texas Children's Hospital
is admitting adults to free up beds for COVID patients.
Oh, Lord!
It's happening again.
Just as New York's numbers started going down,
the rest of the country is seeing an explosion in cases
and hospitalizations.
In fact, in places like Houston, Texas,
it is getting so bad
that they're even sending adults to the children's hospital.
Which is awful.
These people are seriously sick.
They should not be at a hospital
where all the doctors are children.
What?
That's not what a children's hos... Oh.
And I'm not sure if this is happening.
I mean, because, let's be honest,
much of America has treated the coronavirus
the same way we treat our bodies in the winter.
Yeah? We're always like,
"Yeah, I know it's not looking good right now,
"but when the summer comes,
I promise you everything's gonna be in shape."
And then the summer came,
and things were still not looking good,
and people are like, "Eh, screw it.
I'm still going to the beach."
So, coronavirus records are being broken
every day across America.
In fact, right now, basically the only place
where cases are actually declining
is in the original epicenter of the outbreak in the northeast.
Which is why New York, New Jersey and Connecticut
just announced that anyone who is entering the state
will have to quarantine for two weeks.
Now, that's gonna be almost impossible to actually enforce.
But the good news is, it already takes two weeks
just to get through the Lincoln Tunnel into New York,
so, heh, it kind of takes care of itself.
In fact, things are looking so bad for the U.S.
that Europe is considering a ban of all U.S. citizens
until they can figure out...
(like Trump): what the hell is going on.
And I see where Europe is coming from.
Because we can't deny that the United States
is doing a particularly bad job compared to other countries.
I mean, look at this chart, right?
Cases in all those other places are going down,
while America went down for a little bit
and then shot back up.
So I guess congratulations on flattening the curve?
The question is, though, why is the U.S. doing so badly?
Well, while many Americans are wearing masks
and socially distancing
and following the advice of health experts,
one thing you cannot overlook
is that there are also many other Americans
who are just really, really, um...
Well, you know, you-you judge for yourself.
At a commissioner's meeting in Florida's Palm Beach County,
anger erupted after a unanimous vote to make masks mandatory.
This turned downright ugly.
Here was the scene.
And, ma'am, as a doctor, I really have many question marks
about your degrees and what you really know.
And I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't think you are worthy
of your credentials, and I would ask suggestively
-that you go back to school and get educated. -MAN: Ma'am?
And they want to throw God's...
wonderful breathing system out the door.
You're all turning your backs on it.
You literally cannot mandate somebody to wear a mask,
knowing that that mask is killing people.
It literally is killing people.
And every single one of you that are obeying the devil's laws
are going to be arrested.
And, you, Doctor, are going to be arrested
for crimes against humanity.
Six feet, like I said before, is military protocol.
You're trying to get people, to train them,
so when the cameras, the 5G comes out,
what, they're gonna... they're gonna scan everybody?
We got to get scanned? We got to get temperature'd?
Yes, it appears America isn't just dealing
with a deadly strain of coronavirus,
it's also dealing with a deadly strain of stupidity.
If wearing masks killed people, there would be no doctors,
no dentists, and no hockey goalies.
Every hockey game would end with a score of a thousand to 980.
Why are we even arguing with these idiots?!
And this just shows you how destructive
social media has been.
I mean, you have random people
berating qualified health professionals
because of some conspiracy theory
that they probably came across on their Facebook feed.
You can't trust Facebook for medical advice.
It isn't run by a doctor.
It isn't even run by a human.
And this is why everyone should stick to Instagram.
The worst thing you'll end up doing
is getting a butt lift and buying lots of plants.
I mean, sure, your body will be out of proportion
and your home will look like a forest,
but at least you'll still believe in science.
I mean, do these people listen to themselves?
Just think for a moment. You guys think every government
and every health expert around the world
is involved in some giant conspiracy
to oppress everyone on Earth?
But they don't have the power
to block that one video on YouTube
that exposes the real truth.
With this fake health crisis,
we will enslave all of humanity.
(wicked laughing)
But what about those YouTube videos?
Oh. Does anyone know how to code?
(chuckles sadly)
Now, look, having people who believe
crazy conspiracy theories and ignore facts,
that's nothing new.
What is new is that now one of those people
lives in the White House.
Did anybody see my speech the other night,
-on Saturday night? -(cheering)
Yeah.
Oh.
But I said the other night, there's never been anything
where they have so many names.
I could give you... 19 or 20 names for that, right?
It's got all different names.
Wuhan.
(laughter)
Wuhan was catching on.
Coronavirus, right?
(audience members shouting)
Kung flu. Yeah.
-(cheering, applause) -Kung flu, right?
Kung flu.
(applause, cheering continue)
COVID. COVID-19. COVID.
I said, "What's the 19? COVID-19.
"Some people can't explain what the 19.
Give me the... COVID-19."
I said, "That's an odd name."
Yes.
How will we ever know why the disease discovered in 2019
has "19" in its name?
It's probably the same idiots who came up with the name
Madden 20.
I mean, there's way more than 20 football players.
It makes no sense.
So on the one hand, we have scientists
searching for a vaccine, sequencing genomes,
and generally busting their ass on an unprecedented effort
to understand and defeat this pandemic.
On the other hand, we're six months into this thing,
and the guy in charge of the response
is still trying to figure out the name of the virus.
(like Trump): Give me two more months, guys.
I think I can crack it.
I think the one and the nine goes together, it makes ten,
times two is 2020, that's why it's happening now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
you might want to upgrade to Zoom Premium, because...
we're gonna be talking in those little boxes for a while.
Well, that's our show for today.
Now as you may know, June is Pride Month.
And right now, we want to highlight charities
that are making a difference for LGBTQ people of color.
Associations like the National Black Justice Coalition,
which advocate for federal policies
that fight against racism and homophobia.
If you'd like to help them and you'd like to join in,
then please donate whatever you can.
If you'd like to help specifically in New York,
well, then, what you can do is donate
to the Audre Lorde Project.
What they do is help LGBTQ communities of color fight
for their rights to organize for change.