(upbeat music)
- Devi, how was your first day at school?
- I'll be honest, it was mixed.
I got all the classes I wanted, prime locker location.
Ben Gross is still a dick.
- Are we allowed to say dick now?
- No one can say dick in this house.
- Why do you let that Ben Gross rile you up so much?
He's like five foot two.
- Damn mom, that was savage!
Up top!
- Look who it is, tweedle dumb and tweedle idiot.
You will both report here after school
to do some unpaid labor in the office.
- [Both] Like an internship?
- No like a punishment, you're in trouble!
- I can't, I'm supposed to go cheer on
my girlfriend's field hockey practice.
You know I support women.
- Is that why Mr. Feminist?
Or is it to watch a bunch of teenage boobs bounce around?
(chuckles)
- Field hockey is a beautiful sport.
- Busted, you're a perv.
- And what are you laughing at Erin Brockovich!
Is that a skirt or headband?
Get your acts together
or I will personally call all the Ivies
and tell them not to admit you.
Get ready to get your online degree
at St. Doofus university.com.
- What's up people?
Who wants some 'za?
- I wish he brought tacos.
(light pop music)
- Can I get you a Gatorade 'cause you seem real thirsty.
- What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be counting your friends on two fingers?
- You're one to talk.
How are you even here?
These people don't like you.
- Yeah, they do.
Hey what's up, Trent?
- Okay, maybe I've been distracted,
but I'm here for you guys.
Let me be your harbor master.
What's up?
- You don't have to tell her if you're not ready.
- It's just I had sort of an important realization recently,
and-- - Oh.
You finally figured out you're a Gryffindor like me?
- No, I'm obviously Ravenclaw like Eleanor.
- [Man] They're all Hufflepuff.
- How many likes have you gotten?
- Only two so far.
One from Eleanor's dad
and another from Eleanor's dad's dental practice.
- Makes sense, he's trying to get on my good side
so I'll be nicer to my step-mom.
Not gonna happen, Sharon.
Ya basic.
- I'm going to the movies with my friends.
Which pair of jeans is the fiercest?
- Oh, for sure the distressed ones.
They look hot.
- Got them at Old Navy.
I work there.
- Cool, I got fired from retail.
They said my hands were too sweaty to fold clothes.
- So, are you Paxton's new girlfriend?
- You think I looked like one of Paxton's girlfriends?
- No, because you don't look like a skank.
- Damn girl, savage burn.
- Who are you here with?
- I've basically been talking to Paxton all night.
So I guess I'd say him.
- Oh yeah?
That Paxton?
- Oh my god Paxton, stop it.
You're gonna make me spill my vodka cran.
- Wow, Paxton and Zoe.
That's a pretty hot couple, huh?
- She's only hot from the boobs down, and the chin up.
But her neck is kind of busted.
They seem cool here,
but can you imagine how dorky they would look
doing this anywhere else?
- That's my sister Preeti.
Her Bollywood dance group was in the Macy's Day Parade
on a float sponsored by Ziploc.
So who looks dorky now?
- We just had the vents cleaned.
It's crazy how well the sound carries.
- [Woman] He's going through a very hard time
with his family and his girlfriend
and he has one of the nastiest pimples
I've ever seen in my career!
(pan clanging) - Oops, dropped my pan.
I thought that would be loud for longer.
- [Woman] Always complaining about your friend
with the (mumbling).
- [Girl] Ben Gross is not my friend.
- [Woman] Why not?
He is nice and smart and could never buy drugs
because he looks like a narc.
Can't you be quiet for just one evening?
- At least she said nice and smart.
Those are some of the best adjectives there are.
- She also called me a narc.
- You should be proud of that.
The police won't work with just anyone.
- This is my turf.
You don't see me showing up to orchestra
with a fricking bassoon.
As if you have the deftness to play a double reed woodwind.
Relax, it's just for two days,
unless I turn out to be a natural.
Then I'm stealing this and you can have Chinese Club.
(bell ringing)
Hey Jonah.
- Ew, you're bleeding.
- You're getting your knee blood on the chair.
It's unsanitary.
You could have AIDS.
- I thought no one would bang me.
How could I have AIDS?
- Easy, blood transfusion. - Or sharing needles.
- (smirking) you wish you were cool enough
for intravenous drugs.
- Oh, drugs are cool now?
I didn't realize you were a hillbilly tweaker.
I guess you're skinny enough.
- I'm not skinny, I'm jacked.
- For now, until you morph into your big, fat dad.
- Shut up, my dad's hot.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
- Well without it, I don't get your angle.
And to be honest, I don't see how you would be different
than any other Indian kid applying to college.
- I'm not like any other Indian kid.
And I'm not interesting just because my dad died.
- Then what makes you interesting?
- Oh, I don't know, Ron.
Maybe it's my perfect grades or my killer test scores
or maybe it's my bitchin' personality
or my insane PowerPoint skills.
I don't need some washed up white dude
who leases a Tesla telling me what makes me special.
- Got dammit Devi.
Who are you, what are you doing?
- Hi, Dr. Vishwakumar.
Devi got bit by a coyote,
but she's in stable condition now.
- Oh, is she?
Is she in stable condition?
How are her vitals?
Tell me more, doctor walking HPV infection.
Get the hell out of here.
- Mom!
- You shouldn't wear so much makeup.
It'll collect on your mustache.
- At least I can grow a mustache.
- My doctor says any day now.
So who are you trying to impress?
- Not that it's any of your business,
but I'm kind of seeing someone,
and I have a date after school.
- Devi, the only person you're seeing
is your therapist because you went straight up psycho.
You couldn't walk for three months.
- Oh yeah?
Well, I won't be able to walk again tomorrow
because I'm about to go get railed.
Peace out, virgin.