This is such an important project that we get to work on. We'll cover five important aspects
of breaking this cycle of abuse and the last one has to do with the next generation.
First of all, thank you so much for being here. It's people like you who are going to actually
change this dynamic in our world and I consider people who are breaking the cycle of abuse to be
our modern heroes. Like Ryan, I was talking to Ryan about his upbringing with a mother who was drug
addicted. He had nine stepfathers or stepfather figures before he was 18 years old. That gives you
a little idea of some of the disruption in Ryan's background and he suffered all kinds of abuse
which has triggered a desire in him to stop this cycle. So that he can be the father
that he never had or Amanda who shared with me her story of having a mother who was constantly
yelling and screaming at her. She never felt that she could be good enough. Her mother thought that
shaming her was the best way to get her to do the things that her mom wanted her to do. Well, you and
i know that that's not the best way but it's what amanda grew up with and now she is determined
to raise her children with positive parenting, Just like you, thank you for being one of the modern
heroes who are ready to stop this cycle of abuse. Let's talk about some ways we can actually do that.
Why is it hard? As a psychologist I know the psychology behind this.
We create neural pathways. Think of this as the cruise control or the autopilot for your brain.
You get programmed at a very young age with most of the fundamentals with how you think,
what you believe, the way you behave. Those things get programmed into you programming.
Like language for example, we're speaking English here today and if you were programmed like I was
with English, you didn't have a choice. You were programmed by people who didn't give you a choice.
If English is a second or third language for you then you were programmed in another language
and you made a choice to speak English. I'm going to come back to that because there's some
important things we can learn about how we're going to break the cycles of abuse
from what we've learned about learning languages for example. The programming comes naturally to us
and whatever you were programmed with is going to be the default for your own mind.
It's no surprise that sometimes these patterns are perpetuated from generation to generation
because one generation programs the next and that generation programs the next generation.
All we know is what we've been programmed with. It's going to take a conscious decision
to move from the programming that is so powerfully embedded already in our minds.
Be ready for some challenging tasks ahead. Now you can totally do it but I don't want to
underestimate the enormity of the project that we're taking on here. We're trying to overcome
programming and I'll give you some tips on how we can do that. Neural pathways programming, if we want
to create new ones we have to choose it. I know that sounds obvious but it's an essential part.
Most people don't even see it as a choice because they're just rolling with whatever
they're programmed to do. When I mentioned English for example, that is not the only
language we could be speaking here on this video today. I know another language that I could use
and if I kicked into Finnish you probably wouldn't understand it. Unless of course, you
live in Helsinki or you have studied Finnish but that would bring to your attention the fact that
oh yeah, there's other languages. We don't even think about that when we're rolling with our
programming. It requires an intentional choice if you wanted to learn Finnish or Spanish or Swahili
you would have to choose to learn Finnish or Spanish or Swahili. That's obvious but my job
is to illuminate the obvious okay. Which is cool, I get paid to tell people things they already know.
Obvious things are not always noticed and it's because of our programming. I tell you what, when
it comes to abuse and abusive parenting patterns some of those are programmed in so deeply that
you won't even notice that they're happening. The more you engage with channels like this one and
looking into the possibility of positive parenting the more aware you will become of the options and
it requires a conscious choice. We have to do it intentionally unless we choose it, we will simply
roll with whatever we're programmed to do and enough already right with the guilt and the shame.
I had a comment from Susan the other day in one of our parent coaching sessions
where she shared a term that some of you will be familiar with, "mommy guilt". Mommy guilt, I think
what she was referring to is the guilt and the shame that we feel when we show up in ways that we
promised ourselves we wouldn't. It might be yelling, it might be some kind of abusive behavior toward
our children and then we feel such shame and guilt from that. Enough already, we have to make a choice
to change it. The choice is necessary but not sufficient. Hey [inaudible]
Oh sorry, I haven't got to that part yet I'll get to it really soon. That was Finnish,
you probably don't speak Finnish but I bet you can click that subscribe button and we'll keep
these videos coming. Once you've made the choice obviously, there's some work that needs to be done
to actually reprogram the brain and we found this in neuroscience and in psychology. It requires
repetition to establish a new neural pathway. Practice basically, go back to the language example.
It's obvious that if you choose to speak another language you're not going to be fluent immediately.
Well duh, it takes practice and we see that with language or with a musical instrument. What about
our parenting? It's going to require practicing new patterns and doing it consistently enough that you
start to get good at it and you start to program your brain in a new way. Just like learning a new
language or a new musical instrument it is totally possible and you can see from those examples it's
going to take some work as well. It's not enough to just make the choice. We then get to practice the
new strategies and tips and tricks and skills that we can learn through channels like this
one or in our coaching programs or other places where we can get the ideas then we get to practice.
Hey, you know, one reason I'm so passionate about this is because guess who's programming the next
generation of parents? It's us. So important for us to get it. We can see that some of the patterns
and the habits of the past are not working wel. Maybe they didn't serve us well in some ways.
To change that means that we are programming the next generation to step up in ways that
are even more powerful. I have very little confidence folks maybe you feel the same way
that the government or the institution or the system is going to magically transform our world.
Hey, political promises not so much confidence it's parents and families that make the real difference.
Thank you for being a conscious engaged parent for watching this
video and for being one of those heroes that will change this cycle for good.
I told you it's going to take some practice I am not going to leave you hanging. Because we've got
other resources available for you right now cue up this next video, what every new parent needs
to know there's five things, I'll share those with you in the next video. I'll see you there.