- What does an INFJ need in a partner?
In a relationship?
A lot of times in the comments people are asking me,
"Frank, what type, what personality type
"should an INFJ date?"
And I've talked about it in other videos,
but the question isn't really a good question,
because it's not as though people go around
with their personality type hovering about their head,
and it's just not feasible to try to type everyone
before you date them.
I mean, what world are you living in?
What I'm gonna do instead is suggest some qualities
and traits that you should be looking for in partners
that I think are very compatible
and will work very well with someone who is an INFJ,
because there's a lot of personality quirks
that INFJs generally have
that someone needs to be able to handle, you know?
So that's what we're looking for in a prospective partner.
First of all, an INFJ needs someone
who is a little bit spontaneous,
because INFJs tend to be
on the less spontaneous side of things,
because we're planners.
IJs, in general, are big on the planning
and not so big on being spontaneous.
So it's good to have someone who can draw you
out of your shell a little bit.
They don't have to be crazy spontaneous.
It doesn't have to be like,
"Hey, I got an idea, let's,"
I can't even think of something spontaneous
because it's so outside of my day-to-day life.
What is it even like to be spontaneous?
I don't know, but maybe I should be looking for someone
who is a little bit spontaneous.
Someone who can be like, "Hey, buddy,
"we don't have to plan everything."
Secondly, an INFJ needs someone who is solid
on their own identity, someone who knows who they are,
they've got that figured out,
that's not really an issue anymore,
because, for INFJs, we oftentimes struggle with that,
and figuring out who we are exactly,
which kind of leads us to always look out
at other people to triangulate a bit,
to figure out, what should we be doing right now?
And I'm not saying it's impossible,
but if you were to pair up with someone else
who is having this issue of like,
"What am I, who am I?
"What's my identity?"
It's this weird dynamic of,
in it's most simplified form,
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know, what do you want to do?"
But it can also just turn into this thing
of neither one of you can really take a strong stand
because you're always looking toward the other person
in a way to figure out what am I supposed to do here?
So getting someone who's strong on who they are
and is very good at making decisions,
they know what they want,
that's a really good thing to have.
Before we continue, let's stop really quick
and see if YouTube would like to show a commercial.
Another good one, which might hurt a little bit,
and you might actually look for people who don't have this,
but I think it's good for INFJs to look for people
who can call them out,
the kind of people who are direct.
I like direct people who are just gonna be like,
"Dude, you're totally in your head right now.
"Dude, you're overthinking this.
"Dude, what are you talking about?"
Someone who isn't afraid to just be like,
"What are we doing here?
"Can we cut out the BS?"
Not that we are big BSers, but, well, we can be,
whether we like to admit it or not.
Sometimes we're also just kind of like
so in our own heads, so abstract,
we need someone who can give us a little bit of like,
"Hey, let's come back down to earth.
"This is where we live, welcome.
"Can you please make yourself a little bit more practical?
"A little bit more understandable?
"A little bit more concrete?"
Someone who isn't afraid to slap us around
a little bit in that regard.
Not literally, but in that abstract way.
Slap us around and be like,
"Hey, bring it back to earth, baby."
Related to that, an INFJ needs someone
who can make sense of our weird way of speaking,
because INFJs, and all NF types, really,
have a weird way of talking, that NF way,
where nothing really quite makes sense
at the end of the day.
I mean, you guys have my videos, right?
You know that half of what I say is like, "What?"
You need someone who can deal with it,
'cause there are some people who can't deal with it.
They'll hear your NF talk,
this abstract, feelings-focused talk,
and they'll just be like, "That's some BS.
"I don't eff with this way of talking.
"You don't make any sense to me, get out of here."
But then there are other people who,
they might be NFs also, who are just like,
"I'm with you, baby."
But then, there are also other people,
they might not be NF types, but they can appreciate it.
They might be fascinated by it
because it's so far from the way that they speak,
the way that they think that there's like,
"You got something that I want, man."
So you need to find someone who won't get sick of it,
who can tolerate it, who maybe even understands
what you're trying to say.
Next, you need someone who is empathetic
and isn't gonna try to test your boundaries,
because, I mean, this is a thing where if you are
a really healthy individual
and are good at asserting your boundaries,
it's not as much of an issue, but the thing is,
I think INFJs often struggle with boundary drawing,
and so if you get involved with someone
who's gonna test you on your boundaries,
it's not the greatest dynamic.
Even if you can hold the boundaries,
if it's gonna be a repeated thing where they're like,
"Can I cross this?
"Can I take advantage of you?"
It's not sustainable,
so you need to find someone who is able to say,
"Okay, you've drawn a boundary, I respect it."
You know?
Which just seems like maybe it's normal, courteous thing
to respect people's boundaries,
but I think there are some people out there,
and it's just their way of being
to constantly test boundaries
and there's no malintent behind it,
but they need someone who's willing to punch back, you know?
And be like, "Boom, no, these are my boundaries, back off.
"Step off."
And INFJs aren't typically the ones who are gonna like,
punch hard and say "step off," you know?
They'll eventually relent and be like,
"Okay, I don't have a boundary, whatever.
"It was stupid to have a boundary."
So look for the people who aren't gonna test it constantly.
There is more to it.
There is a flip side to this.
What should we be looking for that people need in us,
'cause it's a two way street.
What do they need?
We should be looking for people who have specific things
that they need, although it's not always,
this isn't something that maybe you see
on the first date or two,
but there are things that we can offer.
You know, in dating, you should not just be thinking about,
"What do I need, what can I get out of it?"
But you should also be thinking, "What can I offer?"
We, as INFJs, have very specific strengths and gifts
that we can offer to people,
so we should be looking for the people who want it,
who are looking for that.
Here's a few of those things.
We need to look for someone who needs a good listener,
but who has like a subtle touch,
the kind of person who, in a conversation,
is listening to you, but doesn't need to prod
a whole lot and can kind of subtley get you
to talk about what you want to talk about
without battering you with a bunch of questions,
and I think INFJs are good at that.
We just naturally want to understand
what makes the other person tick,
what's gonna make them most comfortable.
How can I unravel this person?
So it's good to find someone who wants that,
who wants to be handled in that way,
someone who can be gently unraveled.
That sounds a little sinister, but it's not.
I didn't mean it in a bad way.
Your prospective partner should also need someone
who can open them up and show them new
and unexpected perspectives on life,
because INFJs are really good,
that's a weird way to put it, "they're good at that."
INFJs just have a weird way of looking at the world,
a unique way of looking at the world,
because introverted intuition, our dominant function,
is just a very unique way of perceiving,
because it's abstract and it's subjective,
so it's like you just see the world in a very unique way.
So your prospective partner should be the kind of person
who is kind of looking for that
and who will appreciate it.
And that might be another person who's intuitive,
who really likes, you know,
your unique way of looking at things,
or maybe someone who isn't intuitive
and it's just this whole new world to be like,
"Oh wow, you see the world in that way?
"You see these deeper meanings in these things?"
There are people who don't want that,
who don't appreciate that at all,
so look for the people who are looking for that.
There are people who just have a hunger for that.
And then your prospective partner out there
should be the kind of person who is looking for someone
who can give them advice,
someone who wants a partner who they can rely on
to kind of just like give advice when needed.
INFJs are really good at giving advice, we love it.
It's just a natural thing that we do.
We can't help it.
So you don't want to be with a partner
who is just like, they don't want to hear it,
they don't want advice.
It's better to be with the kind of person
who is like, receptive, who is like,
"I sort of am interested in having some guidance."
It's an interesting thing,
to have someone who's solid on their identity,
but is also sort of open to advice.
That shows that it's a very healthy, well-balanced person
who isn't just all in on,
"No, I know what to do.
"I don't need to hear what you say,"
but isn't all just like,
"Oh crap, I need you to tell me what to do."
It's like a healthy balance of
they know that they don't have all the answers,
but they also are solid enough on themselves to be like,
"I feel confident in who I am."
There you go, those are the traits you should be looking for
in a prospective partner,
and the traits that they might be looking for
that you can offer them.
Thanks for watching.
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