Relationships are life.
If you look at life, all it really is, is relationships.
We have a relationship with our self,
we have a relationship with other things,
we have a relationship with other people.
Thats what life is.
So obviously,
for us to feel safe in life
we have to feel free from harm in our relationships.
But the reality is,
most of us have no idea how to create a safe relationship.
How To Create A Safe Relationship
The definition of an unsafe relationship
is a relationship with somebody
who cannot take us as part of themselves
so as to take our best interests
as part of their own best interests.
This is essentially a state of disconnection.
It's a state where,
because a person perceives themself to be so separate from you,
they cannot see, hear, feel and really understand you.
So, they can't even know what your best interests really are.
It's essentially a lack of attunement
and a lack of love.
Now, most people are confused about what love is
because they associate love with just feeling so positive towards someone.
But feeling that positively towards something
is actually a byproduct of love.
It's not what love is.
To love, is to take something as part of yourself.
It just so happens that most often when we do this,
it's natural that we feel positive towards that thing.
Now what's attunement?
To attune to something, is to bring yourself
into a state of harmony with that thing.
It's a feeling of being at one with something.
But this way to imagine attunement,
is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching for the radio dial.
If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency,
like 98,2 FM,
you need to tune your own radio dial to 98,2 FM,
then you will hear the music.
Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with,
or become one with the radio channel you want to receive,
in order to perceive that radio channel.
You need to tune into them
as if you are them,
so as to be able to feel or imagine
the other persons emotional experience
and to understand what they are feeling.
This is what allows you to know what to do in any given situation
to end conflict or improve a situation,
or assist someone.
Attunements is what gives rise naturally to compassion and empathy.
To understand these concepts in depths, I suggest that you watch my videos titled:
What Is Love
Attunement (The Key To A Good Relationship)
&...
Compassion (How To Cultivate Compassion)
This state of taking somebody else or something else
as part of yourself
so as to fully perceive
the felt experience of that thing,
is the foundation of a safe relationship.
One of the problems that we have today
is that we try to love somebody from our own separate perspective.
We try to figure out what we think their needs and wants are.
We spend so much time trying to give them love
in ways they don't actually receive love
because we try to love them instead of to understand them.
For this reason some of the most priceless advice
you can ever receive in your relationships
is to quit trying to love people
and try to understand them instead.
For this reason watch my video titled:
Stop Trying to Love Them and Start Trying to Understand Them
What makes a relationships safe
is our capacity to take someone as part of ourselves
and perceive them to a degree that we can no longer tolerate
asking them to put up with pain.
We can't ask them to put up with pain,
any more than we can tolerate them being in pain.
If we perceive ourselves to be so separate
that somebody else's pain isn't a problem for us,
this becomes a huge issues in our relationships
and a big window for unsafety
because it means that we can play a zero sum game,
where they lose and we win.
We can also fall into such an incredible illusion
that we think it's possible
to screw their best interests for our own,
and it opens the door wide open for abuse,
because we can now
use pain as a method of controlling them
into us getting what we want.
Most people have a very negative association
with the concept of owning someone else.
But I'm gonna tell you
that when it comes to creating a safe relationship
this ownership, is where its at.
To possess something is to have that thing
and that it belongs to you,
this is actually the positive side of possession.
Its an inclusion based concept.
To love something is to take it as part of yourself.
This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it.
To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself,
here is that theme again,
and if you see something as part of yourself
it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself.
So much damage has been done
by us throwing out the concept of ownership
in our relationships with one another.
When we do not own one another as part of ourselves,
we feel no responsibility to them.
Ownership is a critical part of creating safety in relationship.
To understand this fully watch my video titled:
Own People! (How to Take Ownership of Your Relationships)
Nothing makes us feel more unsafe in relationships
than abandonment.
In fact, we can argue that it makes us feel even more unsafe
than being trapped in a relationship that's painful.
But here is a interesting thing about that:
It is in 100% guarantee that if we will lose somebody
that we cant take as part of ourselves.
Its actually statistically proven now,
that 100% of relationships
that are absent of trust,
and now, let's look back at what is trust meant;
To trust something is to be able to rely on somebody
taking your best interest as part of their own.
Sounds like love, doesnt it?
Take somebody as part of yourself
is to take their best interest as part of yourself,
they're inseparable.
So obviously, without trust,
you don't have love.
Now, if we've just learned that,
with no trust 0% of relationships work,
then obviously, it's a guarantee
that if you can't take somebody as part of yourself,
you will be losing this relationship.
So we can literally guarantee the unsafety of abandonment,
if we are not capable of taking somebody else
as part of ourselves
and their best interests with it.
To understand more about trust, watch my video titled:
TRUST (What is Trust and How To Build Trust in Relationships)
Relationships are inherently completely out of control.
The reason is, you can't control another person.
You can't control what they think,
what they say, what they do, what they choose.
This is why relationships feel so freaking scary.
It is risky!
It's just about a calculated risk.
Now there is a huge, huge difference
between us coming from scary relationships in our past,
I mean by raise of hands if I ask an audience of people,
how many of them have had trauma
or painful experiences in their relationships
that made them terrified of relationships in the future,
you're looking at 90% of people,
if not a 100% raising their hands.
So, we're all entering into relationships
from a space of us being terrified of relationships.
There's a big difference between us being scared
and feeling unsafe relative to relationships
because of past trauma,
when in fact, we're in a relationship with somebody who is safe now,
and us getting into a relationship
that's inherently unsafe.
Obviously, we need to use our discernment
and even invite others to help us to discern
whether we are feeling unsafe because of the past,
when the relationship with a person is actually safe,
and when, to the opposite, we are feeling unsafe
because the relationship or person isn't actually safe.
Most of us will experience pain at some point
in even the best relationships that exist.
But a safe relationship
isn't really about whether we never experience pain,
it's about how we deal with that pain.
The only pain we should ever align with in a relationship,
is pain that enhances the well being
of one, the other or both people in their relationship.
But it must be said
that it takes an intense level of awareness
to actually discern,
whether some kind of pain
is actually in the best interest
or in the, let's call it,
sphere of well-being for a person,
instead of something that diminishes somebody's well-being.
It must be said,
that it can be a real smokescreen for abuse
and a real smokescreen for our own shortcomings in relationships,
to say: "Well, I think that that pain that that person is feeling
is in their own best interests."
We can't always say
that to save somebody from all forms of pain
is in alignment with their well-being.
But, as a general principle in relationships,
it's best to adopt that perspective.
That if you really wanna create a safe relationship,
you're gonna really put some effort
into making sure that the other person is not in pain.
This means,
safety in relationships is about the quickness
with which we create repair.
It's about the genuine commitment to prevent harm
and to not perpetuate harm to the person who we love
and therefore, take as part of ourselves.
To understand this fully, watch my video titled:
Take Them as a Part of You (The Golden Key to a Good Relationship)
Long story short,
knowing everything I've just given you in this video,
the way to decide whether you're in a good relationship,
is the following:
If you are in a good relationship,
you will be able to say
"All relationships are innately powerless
and I'm out of control here with this person.
I'm out of control, and so I feel safe."
When you are in a bad relationship,
you're not gonna be able to say this.
Your truth will be:
"I am out of control in this relationship and with this person,
and so I feel unsafe."
And there is nothing worse than that feeling,
especially when you feel that relative to your partner.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Nicole Reiter & Tanya Duarte