Hello!
I'm opportunistically Andrew Heaton and this is Mostly Weekly, right?
So last week what happened was Hillary Clinton released her memoir about the 2016 election
entitled What Happened.
To deliver the definitive Clinton explanation of what happened,
rather than the truly burning question of:
What the **** roller-coaster **** happened?
So I had my head writer comb through the book, these were her reactions.
Thanks Sarah.
Here's the main takeaway from What Happened:
Hillary got a sucky deal, but she's also kind of a sucky politician,
so it's sort of like seeing someone get shat upon by a bird,
but then finding out that person is Charlie Sheen, so,
ehhhh?
Hillary appears to be suffering from early onset I.D.D.
Introspection Deficit Disorder.
The book spends a lot of time taking complete ownership of how her actions
are all your fault.
Come on Ron Ham, even Dominoes owned up to their terrible pizza,
don't be the Papa John's of politicians.
So here are the top three reasons Hillary Clinton is not President Hillary Clinton,
according to not President Hillary Clinton.
Number one, Bernie Sanders.
Clinton claims that she lost, in part, because a disheveled socialist grandpa
promised wide eyed millennials a college tuition farting unicorn.
Because Hillary Clinton never ever promised her constituents something unrealistic.
No Way!
No!
Number two, the media.
Ah, the media.
The classic bastion of right wing conspiracies.
Hillary blames the media for it's free coverage of Donald Trump,
who, yes, did get millions of dollars worth of free air time by acting like a jackass,
when they could have been airing footage of her zingers like this:
I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokemon Go to the polls.
So relevant.
Number three, white women.
Apparently, some white women did not vote for Hillary Clinton.
In an interview Hillary says quote:
Okay I think I get it,
so women were sexist against Hillary because they're too weak willed
against the desires of the men in their lives.
It's definitely not because some women
might have autonomously developed reasons not to vote for Hillary.
And although Bernie, the media and white ladies share the bulk of the blame,
What Happened has a lot more pages to fill.
And so it offers plenty of other scapegoats.
Hillary does talk about her own faults,
albeit in a way that's uh
what's that word?
Wrong!
What some might call constant repeated lying to the press about financial entanglement,
she describes as being 'guarded'.
What some might call risking national security,
she describes as being 'technologically flawed'.
She is a bit vague about her flaws so let's be specific about them.
We noticed a few in the book.
She compares crowds shouting 'guilty guilty' at Trump rallies
to a scene from Game of Thrones
where crowds shouted 'shame shame' at Cercei Lannister.
Did anyone tell her that Cercei Lannister is one of the bad guys?
She knows that nurse Ratchet isn't the hero, right?
Was she rooting for Scar?
Another example of her tone deafness is her take on 1984.
When describing the purpose of the torture scene:
That's odd.
Because usually everyone else interprets 1984 as
'Don't rust the people in power.'
But there's one person Hillary Clinton was right to blame:
Donald Trump.
In her book, Hillary called our 45th man-child in chief a:
'Flagrantly sexist, hateful creep.'
and a 'clear and present danger to the country and the world.'
In response, Trump re-tweeted a gif of himself hitting Hillary with a golf ball.
But really the main person at fault for the failure of Hillary Clinton is:
Hillary Clinton!
The best selling author of 'It Takes a Village
To Raise Children Who Will Grow Up To One Day Not Vote For You.'
Fortunately her new book, What Happened,
is already top of the list of bestsellers on Amazon, which is great.
Because if it wasn't, well, there'd be another book.