Michael Cohen
President Trump's personal attorney, and guy who looks like
he's always reading bad news about himself.
Cohen has more inside information about Donald Trump
than probably anyone else in the world.
So the news that Cohen is now likely going to cooperate
with federal investigators
is not great news for the White House.
And I can't wait to see how Trump is gonna try
to distance himself from Cohen. He's gonna be like,
(mimics Trump) "Look, when I said Michael
"is like a son to me, I meant because I barely know him.
I think he's a loser and I want nothing to do with him."
(normal voice): Now, we could talk about
how Michael Cohen flipping could be the biggest legal problem
for President Trump since he found out the constitution
isn't just a list of suggestions,
but we don't have the time for that,
because a federal judge has approved
one of the biggest corporate mergers in American history.
Now to that blockbuster deal that could have a major effect
on your phone and TV bills and the kind of service you get.
A federal judge approving
AT&T's $85 billion takeover of Timer Warner.
This makes, um, AT&T an extremely powerful company.
And what it means for the consumer is that now,
housed under one roof, will be satellite,
wireless, HBO, CNN,
TNT, TBS and Warner Brothers.
Finally.
Time warner and AT&T are joining forces.
This is such great news for consumers.
Because now, we can get all
of our horrible customer service in one place.
So dope.
It's gonna be interesting to see
what AT&T does with HBO though, you know.
Like, are they gonna be cross-promoting?
Like, you'll be watching Game of Thrones,
and instead of sending a raven Jon Snow is just gonna FaceTime?
Is that what happens?
Be like, (with accent): "Jon Snow,
when are you gonna come back and visit me?"
(mimics Jon Snow): "With this amazing unlimited data plan,
I don't need to."
(laughter and applause)
(normal voice): Now, now, opponents of the merger
are concerned that concentrating so much power
in one media company could stifle competition,
raise prices and even affect content.
But, honestly, as somebody in the media,
I can assure you that it won't change anything.
For instance, our parent company, Viacom,
was just bought by DiGiorno's,
and that doesn't affect
what we report on the show, right?
In other news, Sbarro's:
is it the devil's pizza?
Well, all the pedophiles who love it say yes.
Now, if we had time,
we'd delve into the world of corporate mergers,
and we'd look at how media consolidation
could lead to monopolies and consumer choice is reducing,
but luckily we don't have time for that boring shit
because America just won the World Cup...
hosting responsibilities.
Now to that breaking news about the World Cup.
Just moments ago, soccer's governing body
announcing that a joint North America bid
by the U.S., Canada and Mexico
won the right to host the 2026 games,
beating Morocco 134-65.
There have been concerns
about the president's travel ban.
President Trump has sent three letters to FIFA,
assuring officials that foreign teams and their fans
will be able to travel to the United States
if North America is chosen.
Okay. Quick question:
why is Trump promising he'll allow people
to come to the United States in 2026?
Because even if he won a second term,
he'd be done in 2025.
That's some dictator-level confidence right there.
Just like, "Don't worry. In 2026,
I'll allow you all to come into my country."
It's like, "But you won't be president then."
"That's what you think."
And, you know, when you think about it, this makes sense.
Soccer is definitely the sport for Donald Trump.
Yeah, it's the only sport that involves building walls,
and he'd be great at soccer
because he's been faking injuries since Vietnam.
-He'd love it. -(laughter)
-"Oh, I can't play. -(cheering and applause)
"Aah, aah!
My heel spurs."
But that's right, America has won the bid
to host the FIFA World Cup.
And it's just funny how a few years ago,
Americans were like, "FIFA's a corrupt organization
"that can't be... What? We won the bid?"
♪ We won the bid, we won the bid ♪
♪ FIFA's normal now, we won the bid. ♪
And you know what is surreal
is that when the United States, Canada and Mexico
started bidding for the World Cup,
the three countries were friends.
But now the way things are going,
by the time the 2026 World Cup starts,
fans are gonna be running through war zones
to get to games.
They'll be like, "Goal!"
And you know what? I'm not gonna lie.
I-I could spend a lot of time talking about the World Cup,
but this is America, so I know we've got to move on.
Uh, which I guess is something
I bet Bill Clinton wishes the media would do, too.
Former president Bill Clinton still out promoting his new book
and still having trouble answering questions
about the #MeToo movement.
I think the norms have really changed in terms of...
what you can do to somebody against their will,
how much you can crowd their space,
make them miserable at work.
Former president Bill Clinton is in the news tonight,
facing a new firestorm for his answers
in an interview in this #MeToo era.
He was asked whether he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology.
-Do you feel like you owe her an apology? -No.
I do...
I-I-I never talk to her.
But I did say publicly
on more than one occasion that I was sorry.
Someone should ask you these questions
because of the way you formulate the questions.
What?
That is one of the weirdest moments
I've ever seen in an interview.
He just flipped it
and asked the journalist the question.
Like, I wish O.J. had done that in his trial.
"Why don't you try the glove?"
(gasps) "It fits."
And by the way, his new book is called
The President is Missing.
And at this point, it sounds less like a mystery novel
and more like his fantasy.
It's like, "Mr. President,
"we've got some additional questions
about Monica Lewinsky."
(imitates explosion) "Where'd he go?
"Where'd he go?
The president is missing."
You know who I really feel bad for?
President Clinton's coauthor, James Paterson.
Yeah. Think about it. Think about it.
That poor dude just wanted to promote a book,
but now he has to sit there quietly through every interview
and watch the disaster unfold.
And the look on his face in every interview--
well, just see for yourself.
Looking back on what happened then
through the lens of #MeToo now,
do you... do you think differently?
No, I felt terrible then,
and I came to grips with it.
-Did you ever apologize to her? -No, yes.
You typically have ignored gaping facts.
This was litigated 20 years ago.
Two-thirds of the American people sided with me
against the current occupant of the Oval Office.
I think the norms have really changed.
You don't have to physically assault somebody
to make them, you know, uncomfortable
at work or at at home.
-That's all I have to say. -Got it. Okay.
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.