WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
SURPRISING NEWS, JUST NOW OUT OF TRUMP'S JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, AND
IT'S NOT THAT THEY ARE STILL LEGALLY ALLOWED TO CALL IT
JUSTICE.
THE "WASHINGTON POST" IS REPORTING THAT TRUMP IS LIKELY
TO APPOINT AS HIS NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM P. BARR.
YES, THE SAME WILLIAM P. BARR YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU PETER.
AND BARR ALREADY KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND THE JOINT BECAUSE HE
SERVED AS ATTORNEY GENERAL FROM 1991 TO 1993 UNDER
THEN-PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH.
WAIT, DID TRUMP ONLY GO TO THE FUNERAL TO LOOK FOR AN ATTORNEY
GENERAL?
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"SAD, SAD, SAD.
ANYWAY, WHO HERE HAS AN UP-TO-DATE RESUME AND KNOWS HOW
TO FIRE ROBERT MUELLER?" "YOU'RE IN, YOU'RE IT.
TAG.
."
HERE'S HOW WE KNOW: THE "POST" SPOKE TO TWO PEOPLE FAMILIAR
WITH THE DISCUSSIONS WHO SAID THE PRESIDENT HAS TOLD ADVISERS
IN RECENT DAYS THAT HE PLANS TO NOMINATE BARR.
THERE IT IS.
IT'S EITHER WILLIAM P. BARR OR ATTORNEY GENERAL ROSEANNE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: DON'T LOWER THE BAR.
>> Stephen: IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THEY CAN JUST SAY HER
CHARACTER DIED.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
WHICH IS FINE.
SHE'S FINE.
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT BILL BARR ISN'T EXACTLY
CHAMPING AT THE BIT.
WORD IS, BARR, HAVING ALREADY BEEN ATTORNEY GENERAL, DOESN'T
FEEL A PARTICULAR AMBITION FOR THE POSITION, BUT DOES FEEL A
SENSE OF DUTY TO TAKE IT IF OFFERED.
NO AMBITION FOR THE JOB, BUT YOU'LL TAKE IT.
AN ATTITUDE WE IN THE BIZ CALL "THE MELANIA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF H.W., HIS MEMORIAL
WAS A MOVING TRIBUTE TO A MAN WHO BELIEVED IN HUMILITY AND
PUBLIC SERVICE.
YOU KNOW WHO WASN'T SO MOVED?
DONALD TRUMP.
ACCORDING TO ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS, TRUMP HAS BEEN
SNAPPISH WITH AIDES MOST OF THE WEEK, MIFFED IN PART BY SO
MANY CEREMONIAL EVENTS NOT RELATED TO HIM.
(AS TRUMP) "I KNOW IT'S A FUNERAL, BUT WHY
AREN'T THEY TALKING ABOUT ME?
I GOT MY HAIR OFF A DEAD GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO ME, OPEN CASKET IS JUST A TOUPEE BUFFET."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW...
>> Stephen: AIDES ADDED THAT TRUMP WAS IMPATIENT FOR THE
MEMORIALS TO END, BUT EXPRESSED PRIDE IN HIMSELF FOR REMAINING
PUBLICLY CIVIL.
THAT'S HOW FAR WE'VE FALLEN.
WE'VE GONE FROM "1,000 POINTS OF LIGHT" TO "CONGRATULATE ME!
I DIDN'T EAT NACHOS OFF THE CASKET!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WASTED NO TIME CHANGING
THE SUBJECT BACK TO HIMSELF.
LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED, "50% APPROVAL RATING!
WORKING HARD, THANK YOU!" WEIRD FLEX, BUT OKAY.
50%.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I HAVE TWO CHILDREN, ONE OF THEM STILL
TALKS TO ME.
FATHER OF THE YEAR, PLEASE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO, SERIOUSLY, FATHER OF THE
YEAR, WOULD BE LOVELY.
HERE'S THE THING: THIS 50% COMES FROM THE TRUMP-LOVING POLLSTER
RASMUSSEN REPORTS, BUT OTHER RECENT POLLS HAVE HIM AT 39%.
STILL SEEMS HIGH.
BUT EVEN THAT TOTALLY NOT TRUE 50% WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR
TRUMP, BECAUSE HE TWEETED, "WITHOUT THE PHONY RUSSIA WITCH
HUNT, AND WITH ALL THAT WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN THE LAST ALMOST
TWO YEARS-- TAX AND REGULATION CUTS, JUDGE'S, MILITARY, VETS,
ETC.-- MY APPROVAL RATING WOULD BE AT 75%.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HE'S NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE.
(AS TRUMP) "YOU'D ALL LIKE ME A LOT MORE
IF... I WERE NOT ME. " ( LAUGHTER )