Hi everyone. Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm going to show you what emotional safety is and why.
It's really the number one currency you have in your relationship.
And when you create this,
you are really setting yourself up for success in your relationship.
But if you don't have this, then your relationship will die.
And for those of you who are new to this channel, my name is Jeffrey.
And my mission here is to empower you with the right skills and knowledge for
you to be able to turn your relationship around by yourself.
So even if your partner wants nothing to do with fixing the relationship right
now, no worries. Because when you start doing the right things yourself,
you will find that you can bring a change to the whole relationship.
And so if you want to empower yourself with the knowledge to bring about this
change,
then subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be notified when I
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[inaudible]
so what is emotional safety? And to figure that out,
you need to ask yourself one question, which is,
do you feel free to openly express your emotions?
And here I'm not talking to them about just to happy emotions.
I'm talking about the harshest emotions,
the harshest truths about what you feel.
So if let's say you don't love your partner anymore,
can you actually say it to your partner?
If your partner did something to really, really angry you,
do you have that trust in your partner to be able to express it without thinking
that we'll end some argument or some really bad outcomes that will punish you
for sharing? And so if you say yes,
if you can say that you can openly share your feelings with your partner,
then you have emotional safety. But if you can't,
if you feel like you're walking on eggshells,
if you feel like you have to hide the truth and always have to watch what you
say, then you don't have emotional safety.
So now let's talk about what happens when you don't have emotional safety in
your relationship. You know, what are the bad things that happen and why?
If you don't have emotional safety,
it will really kill your relationship slowly but surely.
So when you talk about emotional safety,
the number one way it gets destroyed is usually when one partner,
so let's say in this case it's your partner expresses something to you and you
react in a bad way. So you might get impatient, you might start judging them.
You might start thinking their ideas are ridiculous,
their feelings are ridiculous. You might get angry yourself. Uh,
you might give them the cold shoulder, whatever it is.
And usually what they express to create this response in you are the really
harsh truth.
So when they tell you some emotion that they're feeling that you don't really
want to hear, that is really painful for you to hear. And so for example,
this could be your partner saying that they don't love you anymore and they
don't find you attractive anymore. Whatever it is,
whatever emotions that are expressed that you don't like,
you started reacting badly. And once that happens,
then your partner slowly learns that, you know,
the truth of what I feel is better left hidden than express because every time I
express it is never gonna end well.
It's always going to end badly because you're always going to react badly to it.
And so what happens now is that your partner will start to pent up more stuff,
will start to repress more stuff and as they repress more stuff,
then all that bitterness, all the anger that never got expressed,
it never got resolved.
So they've built and they're just going to get worse over time.
And so what happens now is that when your partner has this pent up stuff,
then they're going to be very defensive. They're going to be very explosive.
Whenever they express something to you,
they're going to be prone to more judgment prone to blame you more to play the
blame game even more. It's going to be a lot of yelling, a lot of threatening.
And that relationship for your partner has to become really, really tense now.
And it's going to be a lot of paranoia and a lot of mind reading because they
don't know what they could say next. They could really trigger you.
And so usually the soul cycle starts with you responding badly and your partner
feeling less safe and repressing a lot of stuff.
And that repression leads to a lot of bad behavior.
But the thing is that this cycle can really perpetuate.
So when your partner does all those bad things,
then you're going to react badly to it as well. When you react badly to it,
your partner is going to react badly to it as well because they're already pent
up, they're already repressed. And so you also don't feel emotionally safe.
So the emotional safety on your side, he gets also destroyed.
And before you know it, both of you don't feel emotionally safe.
And when that's your cycle, then any conflict you have,
any problems you have never gets resolved.
And instead of getting expressed and getting resolved,
it's just left to fester and both of you and both of you are going to grow
increasingly bitter and increasingly upset in your relationship.
So that's the cycle for really bad couples who don't have emotional safety.
Now what if you have emotional safety? Well, the cycle can look very different.
Let's say again here your partner starts off having some really bad emotions
about something, about the relationship. You know,
there might be really annoyed at you for something.
They might not feel the same way about the relationship anymore.
They might not feel satisfied in the relationship anymore.
And so your partner expresses it to you. But instead of reacting badly,
you learn how to react well to it and you learn how to listen.
You learn how to take it well, and when that happens,
you're creating a whole lot of emotional safety there because you're telling
your partner that the harsh truth, whatever you feel,
you can express it until your partner solely learns that, Hey,
when I feel something bad,
I can actually tell my partner and we can come to a resolution.
And because your partner can express himself like that,
then nothing gets repressed. And when nothing gets repressed like that,
there's no baggage. There's no emotional baggage. And so,
and that'll make it easier for you because they're less defensive,
they're less threatening, they're less judgmental.
They don't play the blame game because they don't need to.
They don't need to be defensive because don't have any emotional baggage.
And so what happens now is when you express something to your partner,
because they have no emotional baggage, no defensiveness,
the likelihood that they will take whatever you say, well it's also much higher.
And so that also quite an emotional safety in yourself.
So when you create emotional safety for your partner,
it makes it easy for you to feel emotionally safe yourself because your partner
will be responding really well to whatever you say.
And so what makes a good couple is not that they don't have any problems,
but that whatever issues they have, whatever problems they have,
they can really express it really quickly before it becomes something really
big. And they can resolve it together really quickly as well.
While in bad couples,
a cycle looks very different where they kind of express what they're really
feeling. And so whatever they are feeling, they have to repress it.
And when they were pressed, it it just dues and turns into something uglier.
Because we're making up at all these stories,
we're thinking about all these things that really makes all this bitterness even
worse over time. And if you understand this cycle here,
understand that it just takes one person to create emotional safety in the whole
relationship. So when I often talk about emotional safety,
the first thing people think is, uh,
is my partner and giving me emotional safety.
But rarely do people think about and my creating emotional safety for my
partner.
And the thing is that if you're only thinking about how your partner is creating
or destroying emotional safety for you,
all you can do really is to force your partner to make you feel more emotionally
safe. But when you force someone to feel emotionally safe like that,
when you blame someone for not making you emotionally safe,
you're actually destroying emotional safety for the other person.
So by trying to force the emotional safety,
you're actually destroying emotional safety.
So the only thing you can control when it comes to creating emotional safety is
what you can do to create emotional safety for your partner.
And usually once you create emotional safety for your partner,
then you will lower the guards down. You will lower all their defenses down,
and when you lower all those things,
whenever you have to need to say they're not going to be defensive,
they're not going to be reacting badly.
And so that also creates emotional safety in yourself. So again,
you must focus on something you can control,
which is how can you create emotional safety for your partner,
not the other way around.
And there are two things you can do to really start building this emotional
safety in your relationship.
The first thing you need to do is to kind of put on this Bulletproof vest for
yourself. So understanding how to stay calm under intense emotions.
So what happens in a lot of couples is whenever one partner gets angry,
they also get angry and their anger makes their Potter even angrier.
And the cycle goes on. And as this argument escalates,
that really destroys the emotional safety in both of you and they'll make
everything just much harder.
But if you have this Bulletproof vest and whenever your punter gets mad,
you can stay calm,
then you can break that cycle and you can solely reestablish this safety for
your partner. And as we talked about, this will create a different cycle,
a much more positive cycle where both of you are feeling more and more
emotionally safe over time.
So the first thing you need is this Bulletproof vest and the ability to stay
calm under intense emotions. And if you want to learn how to do that,
I made a video for you so you can click the link above my head to watch that
video. The second thing you need to do is understand how to start,
how to progress and how to end conversations in a way that never leads to any
arguments.
And so what happens to a lot of couples is when they start any conversation,
whether it's a conversation about finance, about chores, about whatever it is,
they don't prioritize lowering the other person's guards down first.
And so they say whatever they want,
they tell their partner whatever their thoughts are,
and they realize that their partner is not reacting to whatever they say very
well. And so they get upset,
they get resistant and their resistance makes you upset and the cycle
perpetuates over and over again.
And you solely learn that this relationship is not a place where you can resolve
conflicts. In fact, it's a place where if you really express the truth,
if you really express your opinions,
then that will always resolve to some conflict,
some argument that will also destroy emotional safety.
But when you can understand how to start a conversation by letting your
partner's guards down and when their guards are down,
whatever you say will be received in a much better way.
And when you can progress the compensation that prioritizes keeping those guards
down low,
then you can progress the conversation and actually come to a resolution in a
way that doesn't lead to any defensiveness or any conflict or any escalation of
arguments.
And if you really want to understand how to deal with a colonization properly,
then you want to get access to my four day training series.
And this four day training series will give you exactly the step by step of what
you need to do to start a conversation,
progress it and end it in a way that never ever leads to arguments and one that
creates more and more safety over time.
So if you want access to that four day training series,
then you want to click the link below this video and it's completely free.
So there's nothing for you to lose,
but you will learn some really incredible things here that you won't see
anywhere else.
So I suggest you check it out and really learn how to create emotional safety in
your relationship and you've have any questions or issues pertaining to your
relationship that you want to ask.
Then you also want to join our secret Facebook group where you can post your
question and actually get expert advice on it.
And if you want to join that Facebook group,
then the link is also below this video. So if you found this video valuable,
then give it a like and subscribe to this channel for more content like this
one. And I'd love to hear from you, you know,
this video was about emotional safety,
but we can't possibly address everything that has to do with emotional safety,
just one YouTube video.
So if I didn't address something in this video that you would like to learn more
about, about emotional safety,
then leave a comment below and I'll respond to your comments as soon as
possible.
Or if it's a really good comment and really good question that I'll make a new
video out of that.
And as always,
thank you so much for watching this video and supporting this channel and
remember again,
that you have the power to transform your relationship by yourself.
And so never underestimate your own power. But for now,
I'll see you in the next video.