our next guest is a talented comedian who's one of our favorites and this weekend
he'll be performing at the stress factory in new brunswick new jersey please welcome the very funny
mitch hedberg thank you i'm very happy i love being on the show
sometimes i see like a it'd be a contest it'd be like a jar of jelly beans
and they'll say guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize
oh come on man let me just have some let's make a compromise you guess how many i want all right
that's the first joke hey no no no i'm on time restriction
all right this shirt this shirt is dry clean only which means it's dirty
i bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut i don't need a receipt for the donut man
i'll just give you the money you give me the donut and the transaction we don't need to bring ink and
paper into this i just cannot imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that i bought a donut
some skeptical friend oh come on man don't even act like i didn't
get that donut i got the documentation right here
all right all right hey hey yes
oh yeah thank you i have a i have a cheese shredder at home that's a positive name for it
cheese shredder they never called by its negative name because no one would buy it sponge ruiner
because i wanted to clean it now i have little bits of sponge
that would melt easily over tortilla chips
oh man
i'm gonna move around a little bit on tonight's set all right
i don't own a cell phone or a pager i just hang around everyone i know all the time if
someone needs to get a hold of me they just say mitch and i say what and turn my head slightly
yeah i can't wait till this set is over because i have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket
and pineapple is next i was in downtown boise idaho and i saw a duck and i knew he was lost
because ducks ain't supposed to be downtown there's nothing for him there so i went to
a subway sandwich shop and i said let me just have a bun only but they wouldn't send me just
a bun they said i had to have something on it i guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch
so i said all right put some lettuce on it then so they said all right that'll be 1.75 i said it's
for a duck they said all right then it's free see i did not know that ducks eat for free at subway
had i known that i would have ordered a much larger sandwich let me have the steak fajita
sauce but don't bother ringing it up it's for a duck there are six ducks out there right now
i got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent
that's a bad place for an argument because then i tried to walk out and slam the flap
how are you supposed to express your anger in this situation zipper it up really quick
i play golf i never got guten golf i never got a hole in one
but i did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying
you guys are a violent crowd on i play blackjack i'm not addicted to gambling
i'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle
my friend is a blackjack dealer and on his forearm he has a tattoo of an ace and a jack
you see i'm a blackjack player on my forearm i'm gonna get a tattoo of a ten and a two
and then maybe later a king
all right
this is the last joke
i had a bag of fritos once they were texas grill fritos these fritos had grill marks on them
hell yeah reminds me of summer when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down on some fritos
i can still see my dad with the apron on
you better flip that frito dad you know how i like it with grill marks thank you
love having you here you