-I was just wondering. I wanted to ask the audience:
If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd like to write out
my thank-you notes right now. Is that okay?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Zhams?
[ Laughter ] Can I get some
thank-you note writing music, please?
[ Playing poignant tune ]
That top keyboard he never uses.
-Wow, never has used it once.
-Never uses it. Only uses the bottom one.
-Serves cold cuts on it.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you, impeachment trial,
for being a lot like "The Bachelor" --
Televised, dramatic, mostly white,
and the only thing we know for sure is
that the guy's gonna get off at the end.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Ooh!
-Both: Oh, no!
-That's spicy! -Oh, no!
-No, you did not. -Oh, I did.
-Wow! -[Chuckle]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Senators chewing gum, passing notes,
and using fidget spinners to pass the time.
It's nice to know an impeachment trial basically looks like
a middle school audience during a fire safety assembly.
[ Laughter, applause, and cheering ]
-Nice.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Grammy Awards,
for awarding both Record of the Year and Album of the Year
and forcing me to guess what the difference is.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] -It's nothin'. -Record?
-What is the difference? Quest, you would know.
-Well, Album of the Year is the collection of songs;
Record of the Year is one specific song;
and Song of the Year is just for the songwriter,
not the artist.
[ Audience oohs ] -Ohhh, nice.
-[snapping fingers] So like Record of the Year is a single.
-Did you just snap? -Yeah, I did.
[ Snapping fingers ] [ Laughter ]
-Like, that's how you clap? -That's how I appreciate
someone's knowledge imparted to me.
My, thank you, Quest.
[ Laughter ] -You're welcome, Higgins.
-I like that.
You guys wanna do that?
[ Snapping fingers ] It's pretty cool.
-Ooh, it sounds like --
-If you like the next joke, snap.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-Dude, we can start something. -Yeah, come in and start it.
Snap it. -Dude, bring back pipes.
Bring back snaps. -Pipes and beatniks
and snapping, man. -Alright. Here we go.
Let's see. What if they don't like it?
[ Snapping fingers ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Super Bowl Halftime Show
starring J.Lo and Shakira.
Or, as most Americans are calling it,
the Feel Worse about my Butt Show.
[ Laughter ]
[ Snapping fingers ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
-Alright, forget it. I don't like it.
I don't like it. I don't like it.
A little too silent. -I understand, yes.
I understand. -Yeah. It's pretty cool, you know?
-[laughing] Please don't laugh uproariously. Just snap.
[ Laughter ] -We tried. We tried it.
You gotta try things.
-Hey, everything can't be a winner.
♪♪ -Thank you,
Rob Lowe wearing an NFL hat to a playoff game,
for being the clothing equivalent of shouting,
"Go, football!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] He still looks good.
[ Cheering and applause ]
We have to have him on. -Come on.
-We have to have him on to talk to him about that
'cause he's a funny -- -He's hilarious
and he always looks good. -He's a funny dude, yeah.
So it was like, "What was he...?"
I love that. -He's wearing an NFL hat.
Probably doing it as a goof. -"Go, football!"
[ Laughter ] So funny.
♪♪ [ Fresh laughter ]
Thank you, the Super Bowl,
or, as the Giants and Jets call it,
fantasy football.
[ Audience oohs ] -Oh.
I know. I know, I know. -Ohhh!
Oh, no, you didn't.
-I know. I know what I did. -Oh, Jimmy, you cannot say that!
-I know what I did. -Don't be talkin' down my team.
-I know what I did. [ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Chuckle ]
Thank you, charcuterie platters,
for letting me slowly eat
an entire ham-and-cheese sandwich
before my dinner comes.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] -Oink!
-Yet, I still do it.
-I love 'em, man.
-Like, "I'll have sliders for an appetizer."
"What would you like for your main?"
"Oh, a hamburger."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, viral photo of baby Jabba the Hutt,
for letting me know that the Mucinex Man
isn't the only talented one in his family.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Uber, for making it seem normal
to open a stranger's car door and say,
"Jebediah?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
That might be my favorite thank-you note we've ever done.
-Jebediah.
Jebediah? Yes?
-Jebediah?
[ Laughter ]
-No.
-No, you're not Jebediah?
Sure. Sorry. My apologies. -I know. I'm leaving.
I'll take another Uber.
[ Laughter ] ♪♪
-Thank you, kombucha,
for being invented by someone who took a sip of tea
and was like, "Pretty good, but,
what if this had a fermented oyster inside of it?"
[ Laughter and applause ] Those are my thank-you notes.