-Very cool. All right.
Let's hope this goes better than the Joker's late-night set.
[ Laughter ] It's topical.
Let's go. I grew up in a meth town in Iowa.
And, uh -- It's not the joke yet.
Just my life. [ Light laughter ]
Pretty sure it was a meth town, 'cause until about third grade,
I thought garages just kind of blew up sometimes.
[ Laughter ]
Like once a month -- boom! and I'm like, "Sun gets hot.
Yeah, yep, yep. Time for school."
[ Laughter ] Yep.
I grew up in a Big Lots part of this country.
I don't know if you -- [ Scattered cheers ]
You get it. They get it. Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
If you don't know what a Big Lots is, congrats, I guess.
[ Laughter ]
Just picture what Kmart would look like
in the middle of a divorce!
[ Laughter ]
It's just an unshowered Kmart you woke up,
and it's like, "What's happening?"
And I'm like, "Are you open?"
And it's like, "Your dad took the shelves!"
[ Laughter ]
"He took 'em!
And he moved to Miami with the Hobby Lobby!"
[ Laughter ]
"We're a piles and bins family now.
Dig around."
I don't know if you knew that's Big Lots' slogan --
"Dig around." [ Laughter ]
Maybe!
You want a DVD, check the spoon aisle.
I don't know! [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Sure, I guess. I'll take it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I wasn't done with the joke, but thank you so much.
[ Laughter ]
Big Lots -- it's also weird to go back into a joke after it,
but thank you so much. [ Laughter ]
Big Lots is like "This was a yard sale.
Someone built a prison around it."
Should've stopped it earlier.
[ Laughter ] Okay, figured it out.
[ Applause ] We're open mic'ing.
[ Laughs ]
I thought I grew up very rich,
'cause I lived in a poor part of this country.
All it took was my parents didn't do meth.
That's it.
And I was like, "We got Ford Taurus money?
The 1% is nuts!"
[ Laughter ]
You find out how poor you grew up
with how late in life
you learn Red Lobster's not a fancy restaurant.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some -- You didn't laugh. You're still poor.
That's fine. That's cool.
[ Laughter ]
You have a goal now! That's awesome!
[ Laughter ]
I'm not talking trash. I love R.L.
It's so good. It's so good.
But it is the Applebee's of the sea.
That's all it is. [ Laughter ]
But we treat 'em so different.
I didn't know Red Lobster wasn't fancy until I was 33.
[ Laughter ]
And I'm 33.
[ Laughter ]
It was months ago. I was here.
I was in New York City. I was in Times Square.
I was with my friends, and there was a giant Red Lobster.
It was like, "Let's go to Red Lobster!"
And I was just like, "We wish."
[ Laughter ]
"Someday, right?"
[ Laughter ]
And they were like, "No, for real. Let's go."
And I was like, "No! For real! I got shorts on!"
[ Laughter ]
"We're not getting in.
That's a khakis-only establishment."
[ Laughter ]
"Is there a Kohl's around here?"
[ Laughter ]
"We can figure it out.
Get some Dockers, gussy up a bit."
[ Laughter ]
If you asked me when I was 10 years old
how much I thought crab legs cost,
based on my father's behavior...
[ Laughter ]
...I would be like, "$80,000?"
[ Laughter ]
Infinity, maybe?
He's never even allowed the thought.
Have you ever gone out to eat with your parents,
they're like, "Don't even think about the back half of the menu.
We're an appetizer family.
You want a soda? Bring it!"
[ Light laughter ]
"That's where they make the money."
[ Laughter ]
[ Scattered applause ]
Don't applaud that behavior.
[ Laughter ]
My dad was so cheap, as a child, I was embarrassed,
but now looking back as an adult,
I'm like, "That took courage."
[ Laughter ]
He stood in the face of a lot of adversity and was like,
"I will not pay full price for this buffet."
[ Laughter ]
He went to great lengths.
He never once paid for a movie-theater treat.
Not once in his life.
That's hard.
It would be June in Iowa.
That's like 108 degrees.
That's very hot.
And he would still put on a giant winter coat...
[ Laughter ]
...and pack it to the gills
and then clink around the movie theater.
[ Laughter ]
Just up to the ticket woman and be like, "Five, please."
[ Laughter ]
Put the tickets there.
And he'd just clink down to the aisle.
And he'd sit down, then he'd act like
he just pulled off a big bank heist.
He's like, "Yeah!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Yes!"
And then he'd pull cans of soda out of his sleeve.
He'd be like, "Pass them down.
Pass them down. Pass them -- Pass them down.
Pass them down. Okay.
I'm gonna cough..."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I'm gonna cough.
And that's when we open them."
[ Laughter ]
[ Coughing ] "Yeah!
Whoo! All right!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Hot root beer, right?! We all love hot root beer."
Uh, that's it.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you guys very much.