- Here's the thing,
I feel like I've sort of become my friend's
designated sex therapist, as in they're all like,
"You have such an objective point of view about sex.
- Oh yeah.
- Because you don't experience sex
and you are immune to the effects of sexual attraction."
- Why do I have to go down on someone
to prove to you that part of this community.
Love is love, why does love equal sex?
- Hi there.
Today we are playing Never Have I Ever:
Asexual Edition.
- Hi, my name is Kerry.
I identify as aromantic asexual.
- Hi, my name's Caroline.
I'm an asexual for activist and filmmaker
and I identify as demisexual,
which basically means I only experience sexual attraction
when I'm close to someone
or feel comfortable and safe around them.
- I'm Auden.
My pronouns are they them
and I identify as demiromantic and asexual.
- I'm Alannah, pronouns are she/her
and I'm biromantic asexual.
And to me asexuality is when you experience
little to no sexual attraction,
personally that is not at all.
And biromantic is feeling romantic attraction
to two or more gender identities.
- So for me, when it comes to demiromantic,
I only really feel romantically attracted to someone
once I've formed a really good emotional
connection with them.
- First one, never have I ever faked a crush.
I have.
(laughs)
- I have.
- Okay. What's your story?
- Oh, I've faked a few.
Year eight was one, but I didn't at the time,
I didn't know how long crushes were meant to go for.
So yeah, for two years,
I just was apparently crushing on this dude.
- Wow. I must have been in year nine,
just like platonic attraction,
but we hung out all the time, so everyone was like,
"Are you two dating?"
And I was like, "Actually I have a crush on her."
(laughs)
And eventually like, she talked to me, she was like,
"Do you have a crush on me?"
And I was like, I actually don't know.
- I've also faked a few boyfriends too
growing up through school, it was so awkward
and I didn't really understand what asexuality was yet.
I just used it as a defense mechanism,
you didn't want to make anyone feel rejected.
How about you?
- In contrast, I was one of the luckier ones
who knew about the concept of asexuality
by the time the topic came up at school.
But I guess I was just too honest to actually
fake anything, different kind of awkward, I guess.
(laughing)
- Why would you fake a crush?
- Honestly, just to fit in.
'Cause I felt like all my friends had crushes.
I felt like that was a way to relate with them.
- And I noticed when I didn't have a crush,
it was always, "Oh no, you're lying."
- Exactly. Yes.
- "Who do you actually have a crush on?"
- Never have I ever been told, "It's just a phase."
- Aha.
- Yep.
- It was really disenfranchising.
- I remember I was trying to explain to my dad
what asexuality was.
- Same.
- I was like, so I don't experience attraction at all.
And he was like, "Oh no, that'll change, don't worry."
- There might have been someone who was interested
in having a romantic and sexual relationship with me
who was trying to convince me
that I would grow (indistinct) which I found offensive.
And that's definitely a deal breaker next.
- Yeah. Like I find people think it's something you can fix.
Like it's some sort of disease.
- Worst experience I had with it was actually a counselor.
- Oh my gosh.
- When I came out to them,
I'm not gonna say pronouns or anything,
told me that it'll probably change when I get older
when I start to feel things more.
And this was all when I was already 18,
how long you want me to wait
until this mystical sexual attraction just appears
out of thin air like sexual attraction.
- That's a really good point
because I'm about to start testosterone.
And I was talking to my endocrinologist about it.
And they were like, "Oh, so you say that you are ace,
but if you start taking testosterone
it might not make you ace."
And I was trying to explain to them
how I might have a high libido
but I don't know if I'll experience sexual attraction.
And they were like, "No."
- Never have I ever not realized a song is about sex?
Yep.
- Definitely.
I think it was like 50 Cent like "Candy Shop."
I was like, I love lollies.
- "Cake By the Ocean." I didn't realize that was about sex.
- Wait, is it?
- Apparently cake isn't like actual cake, it's ass.
- "Gimme More" by Britney Spears.
I should have known that
like most Britney Spears songs were about sex
but I just like it didn't fully compute.
- To be fair I've never really looked too closely
into lyrics of any songs.
- Oh I have a whole playlist.
It's literally called
I may be ace but these songs slap.
It's public, lots of aces like the playlist and yeah,
it's just full of songs that are so explicitly about sex.
It's just, they're so great though.
- Never have I ever had sex.
- I have never.
- Hi there everyone, I've had sex.
We haven't met, I've had sex though.
- It's not for me.
Some people I know at home are probably confused
because I've probably told them I have
just to get them over it.
But I know a lot of people in the ace community who have.
- I guess I just wanted to like see what the fuss was about.
Like I've heard that it's physically good
so I was thinking to myself, all right.
- Yeah. 'Cause aces can still experience--
- Yeah, I can still--
- Having sex and all that.
- Yeah. And like the people I did it with
were like nice enough, they were great.
And then afterwards I was like,
okay, but my shower head could do this.
(laughs)
(indistinct)
- A lot of people have an enjoy sex
and have an amazing sex life
and it's just they don't experience the attraction
that leads them to that point.
People say it strengthens their romantic relationships or--
- They just wanna be closer to the person they love--
- Exactly.
- And stuff like that.
- Yeah. Or, they just wanna physically feel good.
- Yeah.
- Some people think that demisexuality is just
quote unquote what society deems normal sexual behavior,
no, it's not.
- Never have I ever been told that I'll end up alone.
You've never?
- I haven't.
- I'm so jealous of you right now.
(laughs)
- I mean, my self-esteem says it to me sometimes.
- I mean yeah, same.
- Yeah
- I think so.
- It usually comes after rejection.
- I guess as in aromantic person
where yes I hope so cuz I don't want to partner.
- I've been told that I'm ace because I'm lonely,
which just isn't the case.
- A lot of people in the asexual community
just get bombarded by just aphobic rhetoric
where it's just like, yeah like
if you don't have sex with me you're gonna be alone forever.
And I'm like.
Like what goes through your mind
to think that's okay to say to someone like, ugh, ugh.
(laughs)
- But I realize the ace community,
I would not trade it for anything.
The bonds that you make with people because you're ace,
it's honestly unparalleled,
the fact that you're allowed to be yourself.
If anyone ever told me that I'd be alone,
I couldn't believe them. Like yeah.
- Yeah.
- Never have I ever been asked
how can you be sure if you've never had sex?
- I think that's the reason why I had sex
for the first time and then the second time
because I wanted to make sure.
- Most people are just genuinely curious in a way.
But then there are also the other side of people
who are just a creepy online.
In which case you got that nice button,
it's called the block button.
- It's just like, why is it a requirement
of queerness to have sex?
- Let's put it this way
where would you say to a straight person
how do you know you're straight
if you haven't tried having sex with the same sex,
see how silly that sounds?
- 'Cause it's all about the attraction it's not--
- About the action.
- Yeah, exactly.
Attraction, not action.
- Never have I ever had to hide who I really am.
- That's what the closet's for.
(laughing)
- Yeah.
For a long time I was like just denying
a lot of like who I was.
- I didn't feel like I'd be accepted.
I didn't feel like I'd be supported.
And sometimes you just don't feel
like you'd really be understood.
It's like, well you don't experience it
so how are you gonna really understand?
So you sort of hide that bit of view away as well.
- It honestly it does feel isolating.
- There are various other things about my self
that I've tried to hide over the years
but I think asexuality really wasn't one of them.
- Society's been based around it.
Heaps of successful ads have used sexual elements in it.
- Yeah. They just have shirtless guys,
shirtless celebrities for no reason.
It's like, what is this hamburger
got to do with a shirtless man?
- Never have I ever felt dismissed by the LGBTQ+ community.
- I have.
- Yes. As a asexual queer person,
a lot of the time I'm told
that there's a requirement of sex and it's just like
why do I have to go down on someone
to prove to you that I'm part of this community?
Why are you so hyper fixated on my sex life?
Love is love, why does love equal sex.
- I think a lot of time the rest of the LGBTQ+ community
just forget we exist altogether.
- Unfortunately there are a lot of gatekeepers out there.
- Yes.
- And exclusionist who,
they're the kinds of people who are very well set
on the LGBT,
but then they think that anything else doesn't belong.
- I feel like I'm sort of a double whammy
because I'm ace and I'm also non-binary.
- It annoys me that they say a lot of the same things
that straight people would've said to them.
- They take one experience
and then personify it for the entire community.
- But thankfully there are a lot
of inclusive people out there--
- Yeah, thankfully.
- Welcome the community.
- Never have I ever been asked if food is better than sex?
- I have.
- Cake.
- Oh no, I've never, but food is better than sex.
- Cake is good.
- Cake is great.
- What were we talking about "Cake By the Ocean?"
- Oh yeah. Not that kind of cake.
- Not that kind of cake.
I think it came from a meme which was like,
yeah sex is good but have you had cake?
- Yeah and then the aces took that and ran with it.
- Yes it is mine now.
- Like would I take an awkward encounter
where I usually have to fake an orgasm
over a French cheesecake? No, French cheesecake wins.
- Long story short,
it's an internet inside joke, it's just a meme basically.
- Oh yeah.
- Thank you so much for watch for everyone.
Smash that like button.
- Yeah.
- Make sure to hit subscribe
and remember cake is always the answer.
(upbeat music)