Hey everybody, today's video is something that has received a lot of requests.
We've been talking about it for years.
And that is toxic people
And today I'm going to offer 5 helpful tips on ways to manage them
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And so when I say toxic people, I mean people in our lives who we wish we could avoid,
they really leave us drained,
every time we talk to them it's always about them, we can never even get a word in edgewise...
There can be a lot of different traits and feelings that we have that leads us to believe these people are toxic to us.
And they're going to have a lot of different characteristics like I said
because toxic to US, and everyone's going to have a different experience, a different thought around it
But that's how I would, you know, sort of define "toxic people"
And the first way to manage toxic people in our lives is setting boundaries.
And I know, it's really hard, and I know it feels really uncomfortable
But if you think about it, does it really feel harder than having to spend a whole day with them?
Or does it really feel more uncomfortable than feeling really drained after hearing them talk about their problems for like 3 hours?
Probably not.
And if we kind of put in the effort on this,
hopefully we will have less and less feelings like that in the future
And so the way that we would work to set boundaries
is honestly, the first thing I would do is timing
Scheduling
When is it okay for us to call them back?
When, like, how long are we going to spend on the phone with them?
For instance, let's say I have a friend who calls me and all that she wants to talk about
is her problems, how terrible everything is
and how I don't understand, and it's just this horrible.... She won't take any advice, it's just exhausting
She's like things are terrible and blah blah blah and I'm like have you tried blah and blah
Then she's like "You don't understand!" And it's just this negative, nasty energy
Maybe I only return her calls on Monday
Because I really want to have my weekend and do whatever I want
Monday I'm kind of busy anyways, so I give her a window of, say 20 to 30 minutes
And then I'm like "Okay well I gotta head back into work!" or "Okay well I'm at that appointment I told you about, I'll talk to you later! Bye!"
And you hang up.
I know that sounds really harsh and rude, but we're not being rude. We're not saying: "Oh, and fuck off."
We're not yelling at them. We're just saying, we're setting up a structure.
And if they ask, you can just say: "Hey, you know, I've just been really busy, and so I'm trying to make time for people, and Mondays are the best for me right now."
"Is that okay with you?"
You can just kinda talk with them around setting that scheduling.
Another way to kind of set boundaries rolls into part 2 of how to manage toxic people
and that's asserting ourselves and telling them what we need.
And that helps us also set boundaries because if there's a ton of push back about our scheduling
and around our ability and availability to talk to them...
we can then assert what we need
And it doesn't have to be rude. I'm not saying aggressively tell them...
I'm saying asserting. Which means, like, being very firm and direct.
And you can say something to the effect of, "You know, lately, when we talk I find myself extremely drained afterwards...
...and I try to offer up advice, but you're not very open to it, and it's just been really difficult for me. And that's why I'm just taking a little bit of a break...
...But I'm happy to talk to you on Monday at this time. I really value our friendship and I hope that we can work something out."
I know that that's hard, but practice it in front of the mirror, over and over and over until you feel comfortable and confident saying it to them.
I know they're gonna give pushback...they're toxic people!
They're not, like, emotionally stable and doing great.
They're probably having a really shitty time.
And so they're probably gonna give you a bunch of pushback, so imagine what they're gonna say back while you practice.
That way, you can kind of practice that dialogue, so when you go in to see them you feel very confident and very clear about what you need.
Number 3: USE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM
Hang around with healthy people.
Toxic people are really draining...
and if we only hang around with toxic people, we'll *in slow motion* slooowly turn into this reaallyy icky *slow motion ends* version of ourselves
So instead, invest in spending time with those build us up!
Who are healthy, who want to do the things we want to do
We leave feeling energized, we giggle the whole time, we have such a good time with them
Spend more time with those people and, if you need to, lean on them a little to vent about the toxic relationship you're dealing with.
It can feel really nice to have somewhere to go to talk.
Or see a therapist!
Heeeyyyy...SUPPORT SYSTEM! Yaaaayyyy!
The 4th way to deal with toxic people is to model the behavior that you want to see from them.
So...
If we have something going on our life that's really difficult
we can call and immediately start talking about it
and then about 5 minutes in say, "Hey, I've been talking a lot about my self and I know it's important for there to be some, you know, back and forth...
...what's been going on with you?"
And then we cut them off and we start talking about something else.
We can try to model and structure the way that our discussions go, and the way that we interact with them.
And so we're, in an essence, showing them what we would hope they would do for us.
And the 5th and final way to deal with toxic people...
Cut them out...
I know that sounds really harsh, but if we've gone through steps 1 through 4
and we've really tried to assert ourselves, we've really tried to set boundaries...
we've really tried to communicate with them...
we're leaning on our other support system...we're doing everything we can
But we're there just stuck in this cycle, like being really mean to us, being really negative, sucking all our energy,
not wanting to take any advice, or get any help for themselves... They're just this dark pit of despair
And we've tried and tried and tried and tried...
At a certain point, we have to cut our losses
And, I know, often times these people aren't just friends...often times they're family members
But, hopefully, we've given them enough of a conversation about it, we've given them reasons...we've really tried
we tried to set boundaries and we've been very clear.
And so by the time we have to cut them off, they're aware
they understand why it's happening. Whether or not they want to accept it is not up to us.
That's their choice.
But at some point, we have to put boundaries in place and protect ourselves
and that may mean cutting them off completely.
And I hope that this is helpful for you!
I know that dealing with toxic people is really difficult and we all have those people in our lives that leave us feeling really drained
And often times it's really hard to cut them off because they're family members
or they're friends we've had for a really long time
But, hopefully, through some of these steps we can kind of fix and bridge the gaps
so that we don't feel so drained by them and maybe they get a little bit of help
and, you know, maybe see a therapist and get the professional help they've been needing.
And then everybody's happy!
But if that doesn't work out, we have to take care of ourselves, right?
I always talk about taking care of ourselves first in order to help other people
And, so part of this is maintaining healthy relationships and healthy boundaries.
So I hope you've found this helpful!
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And I will see you next time! Bye!
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