-Welcome back, everybody. Here at "The Tonight Show,"
We love stand-up comedy and we especially love stand-up
written by our audience members in under an hour.
That's right. It's time for a battle of the instant stand-ups.
Here we go.
-♪ Battle of the instant stand-ups ♪
-Welcome to "Battle of the Instant Stand-ups."
Before the show, we went through our audience
and picked out two people who said they were comedians.
We gave them each a topic and then gave them an hour
to write an original stand-up set based on that topic.
They've never performed it.
Here they are preparing backstage a minute ago.
Yeah. You can't unsee that.
Now, let's see what they came up with and meet them right now.
Come on over, everybody. Guys, come on out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you. Pleasure.
Hi. Nice to see you. Welcome to the show.
Now, let's start with contestant number one.
What is your name and where are you from?
-I'm Nat Towson, and I'm from Manhattan, New York.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hey! From Manhattan, New York.
I love that.
-Nat, what was the topic that you were given tonight?
-Saint Patrick's Day.
-Okay, and are you Irish? Or we'll find out, I guess.
-I'm not. -Yeah. Interesting.
And you've never performed this in front of a crowd?
You just wrote this? -Yeah.
-This is very exciting.
Alright, well, head on over to the stage.
Get in your headspace. Nat.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is exciting. I love this. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here to perform a brand-new comedy
set about Saint Patrick's Day,
Please give it up for Nat Towson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Thank you.
I just got back from Europe.
I know I look like I was about to say that.
[ Laughter ]
I learned that in Ireland,
Saint Patrick's Day is actually not a big deal at all.
They already have a day when everyone drinks.
It's called Monday.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Last year, I spent Saint Patrick's Day
with 3,000 drunk idiots in Midtown Manhattan.
-Whoo!
-No place has been that disrespectful
to the Irish since England.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's true. The English hate redheads so much,
they don't even like Prince Harry.
[ Laughter ]
And everyone in Midtown was dressed
in traditional Celtic Mardi Gras beads...
[ Laughter ]
...and a T-shirt that said, "I-rish you were naked."
[ Laughter ]
I-rish I was making that up.
[ Laughter ]
And everyone was wearing green,
so you couldn't even tell which frat they were in.
[ Laughter ]
And then they all scurried off to New Jersey...
[ Laughter ]
...like the snakes fleeing Ireland.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, in Dublin,
everyone just had a couple of pints at the pub
and then headed to a museum to see the body of a man
who died in a bog in 400 B.C.
[ Laughter ]
And in America we celebrate by peeing in an ATM.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you so much. I'm Nat Towson.
[ Cheers and applause ] -There we go. Thank you, bud.
Nat Towson, everybody. Thank you very much.
That was amazing. I appreciate it.
Let's meet contestant number two.
What is your name and where are you from?
-I'm Allison Reese, and I am from Mesa, Arizona.
-Hey, Arizona. [ Cheers and applause ]
Alright. Can you tell everyone what your topic is?
-Yes. Spring break.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Alright, bud. This is good.
Arizona's got some good spring breaking out there.
They got some good party schools.
-Yeah. ASU. -ASU, exactly.
-They're so into it. -Yeah, exactly.
Alright, get over. Get ready.
Get in your headspace. Be prepared.
Thank you for doing this and let me know when you're ready.
Okay. Channel the zone.
Channel the inspiration.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ladies and gentlemen, here to perform a brand-new comedy
set about spring break is the one and only Allison Reese!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Yes. I've never been a spring break person.
You know? I'm really more of a "Kohl's Cash counts
as real money" kind of a person, you know.
But Florida spring break seems cool, right?
They got beaches, drinking, gators.
That pet possum with lipstick on it.
Florida's got all your spring break needs, you know.
If I ever went to a spring break concert,
though, I think I'd want to see Maroon 5.
[ Crowd cheers ] Yeah, right? Yeah.
But I want to see Maroon 5 solely
because I think that the guy in Maroon 5 sounds like if
for the last five years, Elmo has been taking testosterone.
[ Laughter ] You know?
Like, can't you hear it?
[ High-pitched voice] ♪ And she will be loved ♪
♪ Tap on my window, knock on my door ♪
[ As Elmo ] Elmo want to make you feel beautiful.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That tickles.
[ Normal voice ] Oh, man, you can't tell me that guy
doesn't sound like Elmo.
[ Laughter ]
Later you're going to be listening to Maroon 5,
and you're going to be like, "Elmo?
Elmo, your voice dropped."
Honestly, it's the only spring break concert
I'm spending my Kohl's Cash on, so yeah.
Thank you so much. I'm Allison Reese.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Come on, Allison!
Allison Reese once again.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Now it is time to see who won.
So we're going to let our great audience decide the winner.
[ Drum roll ]
Was it Nat Towson?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Or was it Allison Reese?
[ Cheers and applause ]
The winner is Alison Reese! Congratulations.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You'll be going home -- You'll be going home
with an "I love jokes" sweatshirt.
Congratulations. -Oh, man.
-Yes. Congratulations.
You also take a Tonight Show notebook
for writing more comedy and $1,000 cash.
Come on, bud. Allison Reese, thank you so much.
But no one goes home empty-handed.
Our other contestant will also
get an "I love jokes" sweatshirt.
There you go. Nat, you deserve it.
And a Tonight Show notebook and $1,000.
Give it up for two new instant stand-up comedians.
Stick around. We'll be right back with Tessa Thompson.
Come on back, everybody.