- IT IS 106 DEGREES IN LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.
[cheers and applause]
WHOO, TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE,
IT'S 106 DEGREES.
JUST SO YOU GRASP IT FULLY. THAT IS VERY, VERY HOT.
SPEAKING OF HOT THINGS, I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY BUTT.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED THE SHOW LAST WEEK,
AND IF YOU DIDN'T, HOW DARE YOU.
I SHOWED A CLIP FROM NICKI MINAJ'S
"ANACONDA" VIDEO.
I HAD A SMALL PART IN IT,
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT MY BUTT IS VIRAL.
AND--
THAT DOES NOT SOUND GOOD.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD GET CHECKED.
BUT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT,
AND I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS THE OTHER DAY.
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SMART.
AND I LIKE TO KEEP UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS
AND WORLD MATTERS.
SO I WAS WATCHING "E! NEWS,"
AND THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT MY BEHIND,
AND...
- THESE ARE THE THINGS THE VIEWERS WANT TO KNOW, JASON.
- I'M INTO ELLEN DEGENERES' BUTT.
- WHAT?
- THIS IS WHEN I WAS IN THE VIDEO,
AND SHE DIDN'T USE IT.
[cheers and applause]
- SEE, NOW YOU GUYS ARE INTO ELLEN'S BUTT, RIGHT?
- YEAH. - ALWAYS WAS.
- OH.
[cheers and applause]
WHY, THANK YOU, CATT.
I'VE LONG BEEN A FAN OF YOUR DERRIERE.
I WAS SO FLATTERED BY THAT,
AND THEN I CAUGHT ANOTHER NEWSCAST,
AND THIS WAS REALLY AN ACTUAL NEWS SHOW.
AND THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT MY REAR END,
AND NOT ONLY THAT,
THEY WERE HAVING A DEBATE ABOUT IT.
- ELLEN DEGENERES KICKED OFF THE NEW SEASON
OF HER SHOW TUESDAY
BY THROWING ON BOOTY SHORTS
IN EFFORT TO RE-CREATE--
THIS IS "ANACONDA," I BELIEVE. - YES.
- PLEASE.
[cheers and applause]
- OKAY, PADDED OR NOT?
- OH, I DON'T THINK THAT WAS HER BOTTOM AT ALL.
- SEE, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- I DON'T THINK IT'S EVEN HER BODY,
TO BE HONEST.
- WELL... - IT'S HER BODY.
THAT'S HER.
- SEE, NOW YOU'VE MADE ME WONDER ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
- I FIND THE WHOLE THING SUSPECT.
[laughter and applause]
- WHAT?
YOU FIND THE WHOLE THING SUSPECT, SAM?
I FIND YOU SUSPECT.
HOW DARE YOU.
I MEAN, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE IN A POSITION
OF HAVING TO DEFEND THE JUNK IN MY TRUNK,
BUT TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS MY BODY.
THAT IS MY BODY,
AND IF I WAS GONNA PUT MY HEAD ON ANOTHER BODY,
I WOULD'VE CHOSEN A DIFFERENT ONE.
I WOULD'VE CHOSEN JENNIFER ANISTON
OR CAMERON DIAZ OR J LO,
ANYTHING THAT-- BUT MY HEAD WAS ON THE BODY--
WHICH WAS MINE.
AND SAM RUBIN DID NOT BELIEVE IT WAS MY BODY.
THEY SAY, "SEEING IS BELIEVING,"
SO I SUMMONED HIM.
I SAID, "COME HERE. I WILL PROVE IT."
SO PLEASE WELCOME ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER
SAM RUBIN.
[cheers and applause]
SO, SAM. - YES.
- WHY DID YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT WAS MY BUTT?
- WELL... - OR MY BODY?
- LET'S START WITH THE BUTT. - OKAY.
- OKAY, YOU'VE BEEN A VEGAN FOR HOW LONG?
- SIX YEARS. - THAT'S NOT A VEGAN BUTT.
[laughter]
- OH, YOU'RE A CONNOISSEUR OF VEGAN BUTTS?
- I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON VEGAN BUTTS, BUT I--
WAS THAT REALLY YOUR BUTT?
- YES. - OKAY.
- YES, THAT WAS MY BODY. IT WAS MY BUTT.
IT WAS MY--THERE WAS ENHANCEMENT ON THE BUTT.
- WELL, THERE. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
- BUT THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF ENHANCEMENT.
I MEAN, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I WAS WEARING,
AND THIS IS IT.
IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU WOULD BE SUSPECT.
- WELL, BUT THAT-- - THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
- BUT TO BE FAIR... - BUTT.
- BUT TO BE FAIR... - "BUTT" TO BE FAIR.
- THAT THIS ADDS TO YOUR BUTT.
- YES, A TINY BIT,
BUT NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU WOULD GO,
"I FIND THE WHOLE THING SUSPECT."
WHAT I'M GONNA DO, I'M GONNA SIGN IT FOR YOU.
- OKAY. THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]
- NOW, SAM, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THIS NONSENSE--
- CONTROVERSY, RIGHT. - YES.
YOU CAUSED IT, BY THE WAY. YOU STARTED IT.
SO YOU NEED TO WEAR THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON AIR.
- OKAY. - AND I WANT TO SEE--
DON'T TELL ANYBODY. JUST WEAR IT.
- WEAR IT UNDERNEATH. - YEAH.
- OKAY.
- WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU WEAR IT.
YOU DON'T-- - THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.
- YOU DON'T PUT IT ON TOP OF YOUR--
- OKAY. - YEAH.
THEN THEY REALLY KNOW. - YEAH, RIGHT, OKAY.
- SO YOU PUT IT UNDERNEATH. - ALL RIGHT.
- AND THEN SEE IF ANYONE NOTICES.
YOU HAVE TO NOT WEAR A JACKET, THOUGH, OKAY?
SEE IF ANYONE NOTICES, AND IF THEY DON'T,
WEAR IT AGAIN, AND THEN POINT IT OUT.
BUT THAT IS-- THAT IS YOUR--
- THANK YOU. HOW DO YOU ADHERE IT?
- THERE'S NO "ADHERE IT."
IT JUST-- YOUR BUTT SUCKS--
- IF YOU SAY SO.
[cheers and applause]
- I MEAN, YOU HAVE--
YOU'RE WEARING UNDERPANTS, RIGHT?
- SURE, YEAH. - OKAY.
SO IT GOES BETWEEN THE UNDERPANTS AND THE BUTTOCKS.
- ALL RIGHT. - AND IT--
THEY SHOULD BE TIGHT ENOUGH UNDERPANTS
THAT IT HOLDS IT IN PLACE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND IF YOU'RE WEARING BOXERS, THEY MAY END UP DOWN THERE.
[laughter and applause]
AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT. - NO, I DON'T WANT THAT.
- YOU DON'T WANT THAT. - OKAY.
- SO WEAR SOME TIGHTY-WHITIES.
- OKAY. - YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME "ELLEN" UNDERWEAR TO WEAR.
- FAIR ENOUGH. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]
- YOU WEAR THAT. - ALL RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING THAT.
I ALSO LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU DANCE WITH ME RIGHT NOW.