Children, children...
To honor this special time of year
we'll be doing a canned food drive.
A canned food drive is when we collect
canned food for poor people who
can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.
You mean like Kenny?
Exactly.
[gobbling noises]
Ahhh!
What the hell is going on?
AH!
[fart noise]
Yaaah!
Ha ha ha ha!
You stained my pilgrim hat, butt pipe.
The holiday season is here.
And Black Friday is upon us.
AAAAH!
OH GOD! OH NO!
Gobbles!
[gobbling noises]
Dumbass, it's November.
The History Channel's probably playing
Thanksgiving specials back to back.
You're watching the History Channel,
where the truth is history.
We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621.
But new evidence suggests that the first exchanging
of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans
may have been visited by aliens.
Dude, see. I told you.
Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books
when we've got History Channel.
[ gobbling noises ]
Well, you dont' see that every day.
[ school bell ringing ]
Okay, children. Let's settle down.
We have a very special guest today
to tell us all about Thanksgiving.
All the way from the pagan state of California
Mr. Jay Leno!
[ clapping ]
Hi, young people!
Ha ha, it's great to be here.
Look, you know I just flew in to the--
Whoa! Check out his chin!
Yeah dude!
Mmpph mmphh mmphh mmmph.
Kenny wants to know if that's your real chin
or if you had a silicon implant?
Alright alright, kids. Very funny.
But believe me, there isn't a chin joke you could tell me
that I haven't already heard. Okay?
So let's just put a stop--
I bet you go through about 40 razors when you shave, huh?
Let's talk about Thanksgiving. Shall we?
Did you have to check that into oversized baggage
on the plane?
Okay. That's enough.
Alright?
Now, does anybody know why we celebrate Thanksgiving?
Yes, little boy?
Do you have to put your chin in a baby chair when you drive?
HEY! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING!
I bet he does.
Totally.
C'mon, kids. I wanna know what you children are thankful
for this season.
Besides the fact that you don't have my chin.
Now children, let's talk about what we're thankful for, okay?
That's what mister big shot Hollywood is here for.
I'm thankful for stuffing and pie.
You would say that, fat ass.
I'M NOT FAT! I'M BIG BONED!
No. Jay Leno's chin is big boned.
You are a big fat ass!
You son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!
HEY! HEY! LISTEN UP!
I DON'T WANNA COME DOWN THERE AND TALK
TO YOU FOUL-MOUTHED LITTLE BRATS
BUT THOSE IDIOTS AT NBC, THOSE EXECUTIVES,
THEY SAY "CUTE KIDS GIVE US BIG RATINGS!"
YOU UNDERSTAND?!
YOU MEAN MONEY IN MY POCKET!
SHUT THE HELL UP!
YOU TALK ABOUT THE JOYS OF THANKSGIVING, DAMMIT!
Now! You! You, the fat kid!
I'm not fat, I'm big boned.
I DON'T CARE!
NOW WHAT DOES THANKSGIVING MEAN TO YOU!
It symbolizes the Pilgrims' dinner,
when they ate with the Indians who
taught them how to plant and harvest food.
And they gave thanks for the food and for the Indians.
Hey...well, good...
But one little thing. The politically correct term is
Native Americans.
Whoa! Pilgrims ate Native Americans?
Cool.
No!
If the Pilgrims would've had Jay Leno's chin
they could've plowed their field with it.
HEY, HEY! THAT'S IT!
SCREW YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! I'M GOING HOME!
Oh my god! Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!
You bastard!
OH, WHO CARES!
HE DIES EVERY DAMN EPISODE!
LOOK, I'M OUTTA HERE!
WHOA!
I had no idea Jay Leno's chin had such magical powers.
Boy, Hollywood people are weird.
They got sick from using this...
a common household turkey baster.
It's a think most people only use once a year
around Thanksgiving.
The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer
collecting bacteria,
and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
Oh, those ladies!
Announcer: And now back to part two
of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special.
I sure am cold, Phillip.
Yes, and hungry too.
Being a Pilgrim totally sucks ass.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
RAAAAAARGH!
You could see it right there.
An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the earth.
What is it?
It's a pilgrim, sir.
Well it's almost Thanksgiving,
and we all know what that means.
That's right. Black Friday is just around the corner.
Ouch.
And people are already gearing up.
We do it every year, part of the family tradition.
Last year we lost our youngest daughter.
Her head was stepped on and crushed but,
in her memory we're gonna find a young girl
and step on her head this year.
Fellow pilgrims,
the great captain hath gone missing
and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines.
The stuffing mines are ours.
What? This isn't history.
Dude, it is called History Channel.
Yeah!
[ gobbling noises ]
AGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys.
This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom.
There will be medical tents, ambulances, face painting.
No doubt, a lot of people you know and love are going to die.
How now, Indian!
AH!
DUDE!
Phillip, could you pass the beans?
Beans! Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with
these Indians soon.
[ fart noises ]
DAH! I CRAPPED MY PANTS!
AHHH! HA HA HA!
I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yeah! Go dude!
AAGH!
[ gobbling noises]
[ crowd noise ]
KYLE!
Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Shoot 'em, Ned!
We did it!
We saved Thanksgiving!
Here you go, turkeys.
FOR STUFFING!
Wait, what's that you say?
A Thanksgiving turkey is what you require?
[ gobbling sounds ]
C'mon! Hiyah! Move it!
[ gobbling sounds ]
Every turkey dies.
Not every turkey truly lives.
AAAAHHHHH!
Black Friday is over.
There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior
and the big winner here decidely,
is Channel 9 News.
Announcer: And now you know
the true story behind Thanksgiving.
Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving
I never knew before.