>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "A" LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS A BIG DAY FOR AMERICA, BECAUSE AFTER YEARS OF AGONIZING
WAIT, FINALLY, J. LO AND BEN AFFLECK ARE BACK TOGETHER!
NATURE IS HEALING!
AT LAST, SOMEONE CAN MAKE MY MOVIE: "BATMAN VS. GIGLI."
THIS TIME, NOBODY WINS.
OH, ANOTHER THING HAPPENED YESTERDAY.
WE LEARNED THAT THE PROSECUTOR IN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CRIMINAL PROBE HAS CONVENED A GRAND JURY.
BOO-YAH!
GRAND JURY!
CABLE NEWS, TELL US WHY THE GRAND JURY WAS EMPANELED.
>> THERE'S A LOT WE KNOW AND DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR THAT ANALYSIS, JIM.
DANA BASH, CAN YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?
>> WE DON'T KNOW SO MANY THINGS.
WE DON'T KNOW MOST THINGS.
>> Stephen: BUT WE DO HAVE SOME EVIDENCE THAT A CRIME WAS
COMMITTED, RIGHT, DANIEL GOLDMAN?
>> THERE IS SOME EVIDENCE THAT A CRIME WAS COMMITTED.
>> Stephen: AWESOME.
BY WHOM?
>> WE DON'T KNOW WHO-- BY WHOM.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NO BIGGEE.
GO ON.
>> WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CRIME IS.
>> Stephen: SO, WE DON'T KNOW WHO, WHAT OR WHY.
LOOKS LIKE A CASE FOR THE CBS CLASSIC:
MAYBE SOMETHING HAPPENED, SHE CONJECTURED.
BUT, CLEARLY, WE KNOW WHO THEY'RE GOING AFTER, RIGHT,
WILLIE GEIST?
>> WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE TARGET IS.
WE DON'T KNOW IF THERE ARE ALLEGED CRIMES AGAINST DONALD
TRUMP.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WHAT ABOUT HIS KIDS?
THEY RAN THE BUSINESS.
SURELY THEY'RE INVESTIGATING THEM?
>> THE BASIC ANSWER REGARDING TRUMP'S GROWN CHILDREN IS WE
DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: AH, FOR PICKLED (BLEEP) SAKE, IS THERE ANYTHING
WE DO KNOW?
>> THERE'S THE OLD LINE ABOUT HOW, YOU KNOW, A GRAND JURY
WOULD INDICT A HAM SANDWICH.
IS DONALD TRUMP A HAM SANDWICH?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: DAMMIT!
I'LL SETTLE THIS.
TALK, YOU BASTARD!
SPILL THE BEANS!
ALL YOU UNDERSTAND IS THE ROUGH STUFF, HUH?
COME ON!
YOU LIKE THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT!
( LAUGHTER )
MMMM.
GUILTY.
MMMM.
OKAY, WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU-- WOULD ANYBODY LIKE SOME?
THERE'S PLENTY.
( LAUGHTER )
HAM, CHEESE, AND GRAVEL.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, CAN ANYONE OUT THERE MAKE ANY DEFINITIVE STATEMENT ABOUT
WHAT WE KNOW?
>> ♪ I DON'T KNOW MUCH, ♪ BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, AARON NEVILLE.
NOT HELPFUL, BUT I LOVE YOU, TOO.
WELL, I GUESS ONE THING WE DO KNOW, IS THAT THERE'S NOT ENOUGH
NEWS TO FILL 24-HOUR NEWS.
ALL LACK OF FACTS ASIDE, INSIDERS HAVE SAID THAT
INVESTIGATORS ARE LOOKING INTO WHETHER THE STATED VALUE OF
PROPERTIES OWNED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT WERE MANIPULATED IN A
WAY THAT DEFRAUDED BANKS AND INSURANCE COMPANIES, AND IF ANY
TAX BENEFITS WERE OBTAINED ILLEGALLY THROUGH UNSCRUPULOUS
ASSET VALUATION.
WELL OF COURSE THEY'RE UNSCRUPULOUS.
THIS MAN HAS NEVER SCRUPED.
INVESTIGATORS BETTER BRING AN UNSCRUPER SCOOPER.
TO FIND OUT WHETHER HE COMMITTED BANK AND/OR TAX FRAUD, RUMOR HAS
IT THE INVESTIGATION HAS PUT PRESSURE ON HIS ORGANIZATION'S
C.F.O. AND MAN WHO SOLD HIS LIKENESS TO MAKERS OF CARDBOARD
PIZZA BOXES, ALLEN WEISSELBERG.
WEISSELBERG HAS RECENTLY BECOME THE SUBJECT OF A CRIMINAL TAX
INVESTIGATION, AND THAT HAS LED TO SPECULATION THAT HE WILL FLIP
ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
AND THIS GUY HAS THE RECEIPTS.
WEISSELBERG IS THE COMPANY'S HIGHEST-RANKING CORPORATE
OFFICER WHO IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FAMILY.
AS ALWAYS, THE HIGHEST MEMBER OF THE FAMILY IS DON JR.
WEISSELBERG HAS WORKED FOR THE FAMILY SINCE THE '70s, BUT
THAT'S NEWS TO FELLOW EMPLOYEE IVANKA.
IN A RECENT DEPOSITION, SHE WAS ASKED ABOUT WEISSELBERG AND SAID
THIS ABOUT A MAN SHE HAS WORKED WITH SINCE 2005:
"HE IS THE-- I WOULD HAVE TO SEE WHAT HIS-- HIS-- I DON'T KNOW
HIS EXACT TITLE, BUT HE'S AN EXECUTIVE AT THE COMPANY."
EITHER SHE'S LYING, OR SHE'S SO SELF-INVOLVED, SHE CAN'T
REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT PEOPLE SHE'S KNOWN FOR YEARS.
( AS IVANKA )
THE HAUNTED KEN DOLL EYES?
HE IS THE-- THE-- I WOULD HAVE TO SEE-- I DON'T KNOW HIS EXACT
TITLE, BUT HE IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND SLEEPS IN MY
BED.
I WANNA SAY, BEDMAN?" WEISSELBERG'S POTENTIAL BETRAYAL
IS WEIGHING HEAVILY ON FORMER PRESIDENT WINNIE THE COUP.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S DEFINITELY A CLOUD OF NERVES IN THE AIR.
OH, BABY.
I LOVE TO WATCH HIM SWEAT.
MY MISTAKE, NO, I DON'T.
NOW, IT'S NO SURPRISE THE FORMATION OF THIS GRAND JURY DID
NOT SIT WELL WITH CLOWNIGULA.
HE PUT OUT A LONG INTERNET POST CALLING THE INVESTIGATION
A WITCH HUNT THAT WAS PURELY POLITICAL.
NOT PURELY.
IT'S ALSO EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL.
EVERY ONE OF MY CHAKRAS WANTS YOU IN JAIL.
BUT HOW CAN HE SAY IT'S POLITICAL WHEN HE'S NO LONGER IN
POLITICS?
WELL, ACCORDING TO POLITICO, SIMPLE: FLOAT ANOTHER RUN FOR
PRESIDENT.
BESIDES, AS ONE AIDE PUT IT, HE'S MISSING BEING PRESIDENT
TERRIBLY.
IT MAKES SENSE, HE DID SPEND FOUR YEARS BEING PRESIDENT
TERRIBLY.
( PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" ) >> THROW HIM IN THE SLAMMER
SLAM!
>> Stephen: THAT EXPLAINS WHY TANGERINE PALPATINE HAS BEGUN
CRAFTING A POLICY AGENDA OUTLINING A MAGA DOCTRINE FOR
THE PARTY.
AND TO DO THAT, HE'S TEAMED UP WITH FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
AND MAN MAKING HIS SELECTION FROM THE WIFE TANK AT RED
LOBSTER, NEWT GINGRICH.
NEWT IS ON BOARD BECAUSE THE NEW LEGISLATIVE TEMPLATE IS SAID TO
BE MODELED ON GINGRICH'S "CONTRACT WITH AMERICA."
OR IN THE CASE OF THESE TWO MEN, "THE PRE-NUP WITH AMERICA."
THE ORIGINAL "CONTRACT WITH AMERICA" IS FROM 1994, WHICH
WAS BILL CLINTON'S FIRST TERM.
SO THIS IS A TOTAL THROWBACK.
WHICH EXPLAINS THE FIRST PROMISE OF THE CONTRACT IS ARREST TONYA
HARDING THIS REVAMPED "CONTRACT WITH
AMERICA" IS STILL IN ITS INFANCY, BUT WE KNOW IT PROMISES
TO ADDRESS THE USUAL G.O.P.
GRIEVANCES, LIKE ABOLISHING THE "1619 PROJECT" -- WHICH, AS A
REMINDER, IS A SUPPLEMENT OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES," SO NOT
REALLY UNDER FEDERAL JURISDICTION.
IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF RUNNING FOR OFFICE ON THE PROMISE OF
ABOLISHING MARMADUKE.
WHEN WILL WE SEE THIS PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL POLICY PAPER?
WELL, GINGRICH SAID IT SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED UNTIL CLOSER TO THE
MIDTERM ELECTIONS, BECAUSE THE WORLD KEEPS CHANGING AND
EVOLVING.
YES, THE WORLD IS CHANGING FAST, SO THEY WILL NEED TIME TO CHOOSE
THE MOST UP-TO-DATE SOLUTIONS FROM 27 YEARS AGO.
OH, SPEAKING OF NUMBERS, IT IS DAY 127 OF BIDEN AT THE
PRESIDENTIAL WHEEL.
SO FAR, JOE HAS BEEN DRIVING EXACTLY LIKE YOU WOULD EXPECT
A 78-YEAR-OLD-- SLOWLY, WITH HIS LEFT TURN SIGNAL ON THE WHOLE
TIME.
BUT THAT COULD ALL COME TO AN END, THANKS TO AN EXPLOSIVE
BEHIND-THE-CURTAINS LOOK AT THE BIDEN PRESIDENCY IN "THE
WASHINGTON POST" THIS WEEK.
NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS THE JOURNALISTIC POWERHOUSE THAT
BROUGHT DOWN NIXON WITH THEIR WATERGATE REPORTING AND WON A
PULITZER FOR HOW THEY EXPOSED THE LAST PRESIDENT'S SHADY
BUSINESS DEALS.
SO WHAT HAS THE "DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS" PAPER DUG UP ON
JOSEPH R. BIDEN?
BIDEN'S PREFERRED LUNCH IS A SOUP AND A SALAD-- USUALLY A
CHOPPED SALAD WITH GRILLED CHICKEN.
AND HE IS PARTIAL TO ORANGE GATORADE AND COKE ZERO.
"THE WASHINGTON POST" JUST BROKE THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE YEAR:
THIS PRESIDENT LIKES SALAD, IN WHAT MANY ARE CALLING
WATERCRESS-GATE.
HE SAID, NOT TURNING IN TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
NUGGET.
INSIDERS CLAIM BIDEN HAS STOCKED THE OUTER OVAL OFFICE WITH SALT
WATER TAFFY.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE OLD MAN THAN SALTWATER TAFFY-- UNLESS
IT'S EATING SALTWATER TAFFY WHILE WATCHING "MATLOCK" ON HIS
JITTERBUG TABLET.
A LONG-TIME CONFIDANTE OF THE PRESIDENT REVEALED THAT BIDEN
WOULD CARRY WITH HIM, NOT QUITE A LUNCH PAIL, BUT IT'S HIS
LITTLE BAG OF STUFF.
SO IF HE GETS PECKISH IN A MEETING, HE CAN HAVE SOMETHING
HEALTHY, OFTEN A PROTEIN BAR OR A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
SANDWICH.
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY IN A LUNCH PAIL?
JOE, PICK A LANE: ARE YOU AN OLD MAN OR A LITTLE KID?
BECAUSE ONE LONGTIME ADVISOR DISCLOSED THAT HE HAS THE TASTES
OF A 5-YEAR-OLD, MEANING IT IS POSSIBLE HE CHOSE PETE BUTTIGIEG
AS TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY BECAUSE HE COULDN'T HAVE THOMAS
THE TANK ENGINE.
THOUGH, HONESTLY-- SAME BASIC VIBE.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY SCOOP THAT "THE WASHINGTON POST"
ENSCOOPIFIED.
YOU SEE, DURING THE CAMPAIGN, AN ADVISOR REVEALED THAT BIDEN
WOULD REGALE AIDES WITH HUMAN INTEREST TIDBITS FROM APPLE
NEWS, LIKE WORLD'S LARGEST MOTH, AND JAPANESE WOMAN IS 119 YEARS
OLD.
AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS JAPANESE WOMAN IS
119 YEARS OLD?
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT SHE'S SEEN?" THE ADVISER SAID,
SPEAKING ON THE CONDITION OF ANONYMITY.
OH, YOU HAVE TO STAY ANONYMOUS WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
SENSITIVE INFORMATION LIKE THIS.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON THE POLICE SUSPECT WHEN
THE WORLD'S OLDEST WOMAN TURNS UP DEAD.
( LAUGHTER )
PRIZE-WINNING AUTHOR AND GUY WHO'S OFFERING TO LET YOU INVEST
IN HIS C.B.D. SODA, JOHN STEINBECK.
TURNS OUT YEARS BEFORE HIS MOST- CELEBRATED WORK, STEINBECK WROTE
A FULL-LENGTH MYSTERY WEREWOLF STORY ENTITLED "MURDER AT FULL
MOON."
IT'S NOT SURPRISING-- MOST OF HIS WORKS HAD WEREWOLF THEMES.
REMEMBER THIS FAMOUS SCENE IN "THE GRAPES OF WRATH"?
>> WHEREVER THERE'S A FULL MOON, I'LL BE THERE.
WHEREVER THERE'S A GUY WALKING HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, I'LL BE
THERE.
AND I'LL RIP HIM APART, BECAUSE I'M A WEREWOLF!
( HOWLS )
WEREWOLF STORY BEEN?
TURNS OUT THIS NOVEL WAS REJECTED AND HIDDEN AWAY SINCE
1930, AT THE BEHEST OF THE AUTHOR AND HIS ESTATE, AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS.
BUT NOW, A BRITISH ACADEMIC IS CALLING FOR THE STEINBECK ESTATE
TO FINALLY ALLOW ITS PUBLICATION.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S QUITE CLEAR THAT STEINBECK NEVER
WANTED ANYONE TO READ THIS BOOK.
AND, SECOND, CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS BOOK?
I'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
IS THE WEREWOLF AN EXPLOITED MIGRANT WORKER?
DOES THE WEREWOLF HAVE A LARGER WEREWOLF FRIEND WHO'S NOT ALL
THERE AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLS RABBITS?
TELL ME ABOUT THE WEREWOLF, GEORGE.
THE BRITISH ACADEMIC SAYS THE NOVEL SHOULD BE PUBLISHED
BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE A HUGE PUBLIC INTEREST IN A TOTALLY
UNKNOWN WEREWOLF NOVEL BY ONE OF THE BEST-KNOWN, MOST-READ
AMERICAN WRITERS OF THE 20th CENTURY.
YES, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S PUBLISH ALL THE SECRET
MONSTER STORIES BY FAMOUS AMERICAN AUTHORS LIKE
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT'S "LITTLE MUMMIES," HEMMINGWAY'S
"THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA MONSTER," AND SALINGER'S "FRANNY
AND ZOMBIE."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS WILL ARNETT.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE YOU BEHIND THE SCENES FOR A
GRITTY RE-BOOT OF "THE LATE SHOW" WITH DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪