(gentle piano music)
- So, I was born in '95.
Born here in Korea, but then I was adopted,
and then moved to the States,
I think at a couple of months old,
and then grew up in Arizona my whole life.
And then recently just moved back here
to get more in touch with my roots,
and then I'm just teaching English.
I have an older brother, who's also a Korean adoptee,
and then he lives out in LA
and he's doing music production.
It was interesting
because I was talking to my brother about this.
We were out for dinner
and then we saw another family who was adopted as well,
like their children were adopted,
and then my brother and I were like,
"Oh my God, is that what we look like?"
'Cause (chuckles) I guess growing up with
like in a white family,
it just seemed normal to me,
and so I guess considered myself like...
I just never thought that I look completely
different than my parents do
unless we're in situations where I'm surrounded
by other people who are mostly white.
So growing up, my parents took me and my brother
to a Korean heritage camp.
So that's how I know a little bit about Korean culture.
And I remember at a young age,
they would always read books to me and my brother as well,
talking about adoption
and then what it means to be Korean American.
They were never shy with the culture
and wanting to maintain and retain that culture.
So they're like really open about it.
So we read that article once
about what it means to be Korean American,
and she identified herself as the hyphen
'cause you're not completely Korean,
you're not completely American.
And so I would consider myself also to be that hyphen.
You kind of have a little bit of both.
The community that I grew up with mostly were Caucasians,
but then in high school, I feel like I found
that small niche of other Asian Americans,
and so I mostly hung out with them.
And then most of, majority of my friends
in college as well were Korean.
Well, not Korean American,
but like Asian, Asian American.
Growing up I never experienced big accounts of racism.
It's just comments in school, like, oh, chinky eyes,
or you're Asian, like you must be smart, blah, blah, blah.
But I think like a lot of people just knew I was adopted.
And so if anything, it was like reverse racism.
They're like, oh Maddy you're so white.
You know? Like how can you be,
how are you Korean when you don't even eat like Korean food?
Or, you know, how do you not know about this K-pop band
or you don't even speak Korean
you're so white type of thing.
So if anything, that's the comments,
majority of the comments that I got.
What's more difficult, I think not is the racism.
Sure for other people, definitely.
For me personally, it was like image.
Right? So seeing what is the beauty of like,
to be white or have blonde hair and blue eyes
or hanging out with friends,
'cause I did have friends that are white as well
and like going out to clubs or dancing,
like they will get the attention first. Right?
Or if anything I'm seen as, oh,
you're really beautiful for an Asian
or I love the shape of your eyes
or the color of your skin, but it's like,
you should like me for who I am as a person.
Not for how I look.
If we rely, like men and women, rely on other people,
or like social media and like
getting that external validation,
it's always going to be crumbling down.
Because people are always going to be changing.
They have different opinions.
And so it's like if you were to look,
if we both were to look at a picture,
we're going to have different opinions on it.
And so I feel like confidence
is just a really beautiful thing to have, you know?
And I don't think that looks have to be everything
and they shouldn't be everything.
At first I didn't even want to come to Korea.
I avoided it like the plague.
And I knew I wanted to leave Arizona and like
broaden my horizons and travel and teach English.
But I just didn't even look at job postings
or opportunities here in Korea.
And like at first I avoided like all of Asia.
And I think, I mean, I know the reason behind that
is because I wasn't ready.
I felt like I wasn't ready to deal with the can of worms
that could possibly open up.
And I think a lot of it was also because I was scared.
How I would be viewed because I don't speak Korean.
As like an English teacher here,
these kids are so funny. Kids say the funniest things ever.
And I love it.
(chuckles)
And they're like,
they just kinda assume that I'm like American
because I just, I'm their English teacher. Right?
And so they're like, oh,
but then when I tell them,
I'm like, oh, I was born here in Korea.
They're like, oh, teacher, you're Korean.
You know what I mean? So it's like,
they associate you being Korean
if you are like born here and then they're like, teacher,
do you... I tell them like, oh, I don't speak Korean.
And they're like, yeah, you do.
Do you know what "anyeong haseyo" means?
And I was like, no, I have no idea what it means.
Okay let's go back to speaking English.
(chuckles)
For me it's like all these small things
I should be able to do like make an appointment,
like get my teeth cleaned, like go to the dentist,
get my hair cut, like send mail.
Like all these small things I could just easily do
in the States, is the most difficult thing for me here
because of that language barrier.
Even like sometimes ordering food.
For like, when I first moved here, I like didn't,
I didn't like leave my apartment at all.
I didn't even go grocery shopping for like a month.
Cause I'm like, oh,
I have to like interact with people
and like speak Korean to them.
Even though I don't speak Korean.
And it kind of like, gave me a lot of anxiety.
To me, I wouldn't consider myself Korean.
Like back when I lived in the States.
I really didn't have an expectation
of what Korea was going to be like.
But then life kind of worked its way and did its thing.
And now I ended up here and I love it.
And I really enjoyed all my experiences here.
When people ask me though,
they're like, oh, why don't you speak Korean?
I'm just like, oh, I just, you know, grew up in the states.
But I always omit that, oh its because I'm adopted.
Because in the few times that I did,
I can feel that they get awkward about it.
And they're like, oh, we're so sorry, type of thing.
Or they just feel like guilt or remorse.
And I just don't want them to feel that way
because it's like, I know that you're apologizing
on like Korea's behalf and like the government,
but also at the same time,
like it's not something that you have to be sorry about.
You know?
When it comes to your identity and who you are,
you can't always have that bottled up.
And so ironically enough,
I think what I was running away from at home,
like from home, like wanting to escape, blah, blah, blah.
Like obviously that follows me
and it kind of like forced me to be like, okay,
let's actually have a conversation with myself
and like dig deep and try to figure out like
who I am type of thing.
The thought about meeting my birth family only came up
because I just wanted to know what they looked like.
But I never, it never, was in the sense of like, oh,
my adoptive mom is not my real mom type of thing.
It was just more out of curiosity.
And I knew not to get any expectations or hopes up
because more times than, like more times than not,
it just comes to a dead end.
And that's how my story happened.
So the social worker found,
they located her and like contacted my mom.
But then her response,
according to my social worker was that
she denied the whole adoption. And then she was like,
oh, please stop contacting me. Right?
And then, which is also understandable,
cause you probably has a family and has kids.
And like if her family knew about me,
then that could also like put her in danger.
Also like if, you know, 20 some years later it's like,
hey, I'm here, let's meet up.
(chuckles)
If I was like, a mom that like gave up her baby,
I feel like if I was in her situation,
I really wouldn't know what to do.
I would have so many different feelings.
So it's understandable as to why she wouldn't want to.
I've had friends suggest like, oh,
you can write a letter and leave it in your file.
And then if your birth mom, like she has access to it.
So she can always look at it if she wants to, but I'm just,
I'm fine with how it happened and where it ended.
I don't want to put myself in this box of like,
I'm a Korean adoptee, therefore I'm X, Y, and Z.
And I'm not here to share my like adoption story
because I think my whole life revolves around my adoption.
I'm just here to share my story about like who I am.
I don't think there's like one main thing
that I want to get out of from living in Korea.
I just want to take the experience as a whole.
And I think just being able to reflect and look back,
like if I'm in the future, looking back on my life in Korea,
it would just be an accumulation of
all the experiences that I've had
or the people that I've met
and like the different things that I've done
and how it's shaped me as a person.
At the end of the day I just want to
put out like good vibes and good energy
and like help other people.
Which is also why I wanted to go into
marriage family therapy.
Is because I feel like my goal or my purpose for myself.
And like the reason why I'm here is to help others.
I'm really big about the connections that I have or that
or that people have with other people.
And I think even a small chance
of just like meeting someone.
So say for example, this interview,
like when I walk away from this,
this has been a really impactful moment for me,
even though we just met.
And then, cause it all kinds of ties in at the end.
I think like the people that you need,
the connections that you have throughout your lifetime,
they all are connected some way or another.
It would be now that I'm thinking about it,
like my dad has really influenced me,
just to be kind and really gentle.
My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer
and then that was a little bit rough,
but he was able to see me graduate.
which was really nice.
But I think if anything,
it just made us cherish our time with each other more,
and that also kind of branched out
with our like friendships as well
With my mom.
She's very like tough love.
So she's taught me to be like really resilient.
And I think without my dad, like teaching me how to be kind,
and then without my mom like teaching me
how to be resilient,
I don't think I would be here in the first place so.
My name is Madison and this is my Korean American story.
(gentle piano music)