One of my friends got gonorrhea in his throat.
What? Yeah, got it in his throat.
What, was he eating pussy like sucking bone marrow out?
Probably. Or he's sucking cock.
Yeah, I was going to say.
It was all over his throat.
If you have it in your throat,
you got to really convince people,
"Yeah, part of my thing is I do a lot of ...
I really do a lot of clit sucking,
so I probably pulled some stuff out."
He goes, "You guys don't know how to suck?
You got to suck pussies too bro."
He goes, "Yeah? Was that before of after some guy
was knocking your tonsils with his fucking herp dick?"
I didn't know you were
super head on the underground scene.
By the way, the fact you got it in your throat,
I'm already impressed. I'm not even a gay man,
but I almost want to give you a whirl, sister.
Listen, best friend.
It was gross. It looked even worse than that.
It was like thrush. His tongue was all white-
Oh, shit.
He was like, "Do you think is bad?"
I was like, "Buddy, it's not good."
You were raised by a single mom. I was.
The reason we played Bee Gees,
is because Jay had a topic that he thought we all ...
I watched the music video for Bertie Higgins' Key Largo.
Bring it out.
Do you remember that song?
No.
I just saw the guy and if you asked me
to draw the guys who my mom wanted to
and the guys that could have fucked my mom in the '70s/'80s,
this guy epitomizes that.
This is the guy?
When did your mom meet Joe?
What year does your mom have until?
Trish is off the market for a couple years.
I was 10, so like '87, '88.
'87, '88. End of the Reagan administration.
Look at this guy.
He's fantastic.
Oh, my God.
He's ripping a butt in the music video?
Dude, I like that they filmed this all outside
of a nice fucking oyster restaurant in Florida.
It looks like the Lamp Post.
Oh yeah this guy ... He just really does.
That's a perfect mom guy.
Yeah, he looks like...
Particularly even a guy named Kevin
I think that was nailing my mom at one point.
He looked like my mom's boyfriend, Dennis.
Yeah. There is such a nondescript-
I almost just gave his last name.
Did your mom have a lot of boyfriends?
Not a lot of boyfriends,
but dated a bunch when I was younger.
That's the same. My parents got divorced
when I was one and my mom had boyfriends.
She would date a guy for few months,
it wouldn't work out, and as I got older
I realized anytime my mom dumped somebody
or she would get dumped, she would get upset,
she would want to lose weight. I would be nine years old eating
Lean Cuisines. It would just be
Lean Cuisines and Skinny Cow ice cream bars.
I was just going to say-
You ate her diets?
Yeah. I was like, "She's gotten dumped."
That's so funny because I didn't realize that.
We would switch our desserts
to Weight Watchers fucking Fudgsicles,
and it would always switch and it would be between boyfriends.
When Nick, my stepdad was there,
fucking Ben and Jerry's every night, baby.
When I got older, as a teenager,
if I was coming home late from basketball practice
and I saw two polished off bottles
of Sutter Home white zinfandel,
I knew it was going to be a problem.
I knew she was drinking, talking to my aunt Eileen
and it was fuck... somebody fucked up.
My mom went through a super dark period
from when I was like, fuck, 12 to 16 where it was ...
My friends would go in our garage
and we had a recycle bin.
It was just one bin that you just throw all of the plastic in
and there would be just fucking handles of 175.
175s of Southern Comfort, and my friends would be like,
"Damn. Trish's getting after it."
It was just her and I, so there wasn't other people,
so they were like, "Dude, how many fucking 175s
does your mom go through?" "Why do you want to run at her?"
You're looking in the bin going, "Two, four, six, twelve."
Dude, swear to God one time I did that.
And that one time I was like, "Five?"
Dude this is ... Yeah.
Three.
Single mom shit.
Whose phone is that?
It's mine. It's my dad.
Is it really? What a Gary move.
Nice.
Hey dad.
Hey, what's up?
'Sup? You called. I'm on my radio show right now.
You're on the radio.
Oh, I am?
Mm-hmm.
All right. Never been on the radio before.
This is a big moment.
I'll give you a call after the show.
Okay, yeah. I'm driving home from Florida.
His big Philly accent.
Hey, what's my middle name?
James.
Dad, literally my middle name is Michael.
I'm going to call you back after the show.
That's unreal. That's unreal, dude.
What the fuck ... That's the most Gary shit.
Dude the fact that we're not called Sons of Gary.
That was wonderful.
He said it confidently.
Dude. Jason James Oakerson.
What are you? A fucking gun slinger?
Why would I not be JJ Oakerson?
I would have loved to be JJ Oakerson.
Why does he not know your middle name?
That's Gary, man.
He hopped on the band wagon late.
That's Gary.
James.
That was fantastic.
That was as real as could be.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
I didn't even know my phone was going.
I mean, I felt the phone going off.
Pull a Ouija board out. I want to contact my Gary.
We should take our second break here and when we come back,
let's put it out to the callers. Think of musicians of the time,
because Chris, you said you have a few you could think of.
I have a few and I have a couple of non-musicians too.
Dude, I know an original Colorado
Rockies outfielder that my mom would talk
about how bad she wanted to do him.
I know an old Phoenix Sun's coach.
To the point where we would be watching baseball games
and I'd be like, "Hey, leave it alone lady."
Why do you want to blow Dante Bichette?
Dude, that's it!
Are you serious? Yeah.
Yo, our moms did the same people.
My mom too. Did she really?
Holy shit.
My mom was super into Dante Bichette.
We had the same childhood.
Oh man, my mom was like, "I like his butt."
That's our age difference.
My mom wanted to bang Chico from Sha Na Na.
Well, we'll figure out more dudes for our ladies,
because our dads ain't here
and they don't know our middle names.
That was James and he said it-
I would have bet a bazillion dollars-
I thought he knew your middle name.
Me, too.
He did call Isabella Elizabeth.
And he said it so confident and he enunciated it.
James. It's so wrong.
By the way, what's hilarious is that
is my brother's middle name.
Middle name.
Yeah. But that's funny as hell.
It's just funny. It's just, come on.
As a son of a Gary-
What's my middle name, fast?
He goes ... That's so funny.
James?
Because I guarantee you, if my dad was still alive,
and I'd press him for my birthday,
he would have fucked that up.
If I'd go, "Dad, when's my birthday?"
He'd be like, "J-J-June 20th." It's June 24th.
Because he did that, my dad did that
when he missed a birthday one year.
It was mid-July and I was like,
"Dad, I never got a birthday card."
He goes, "What?
I sent one on your birthday, back on your birthday."
I was like, "On my birthday? What day?"
And he was like, "June 20th."
Day of. Yeah.
I was like, "My birthday's June 24th." He's like, "I know."
I sent it on the 24th. I sent it on the 20th.
That's what he was saying.
Stupid.
He tried to do that, but I mean,
we got your dad dead to rights on that one.
Dude that was-
That was classic-
That's a trip to the toy store for sure,
if you're holding this over your dad.
Then we got to tell your mom.
I don't even know. Do I have to go to therapy?
Do you want me to hug you?
Let's do it. Let's take a break, and then what?
844-COMEDY9 is the number if you want to call
and tell us who you think what, I guess celebrity, musician,
whatever you think, would bang your mom.
Who could bang your mom?
That's a fun, new game on the Bonfire.
We're hanging out with Chris DiStefano.
I mean we're rolling Bee Gees music all day.
I mean all three of those could have fucking dorked
my mom down for sure.
Let's see if we can get a trifecta, because right now
Dante Bichette goes two ways, but doesn't reach old Tar-bear.
No. She doesn't know who Dante Bichette is.
He's a good looking guy with this long hair-
Thick butt, too. Big, thick butt.
You got a size 38 waist, the special.
You got a thick butt, right?
Yep, so did my dad.
That's what my mom's into, thick butts.
Jay and I have no butts.
We'll talk about it when we get back.