Alright, now when you're a teenager, one of the most important things in life
is learning how to drive.
And what better way to learn how to drive
than a good old-fashioned driver's education course.
And driver's ed is pretty bawdy, there's no two ways about it.
And what made it even worse,
is that the instructor insisted on teaching the class
like we were a bunch of goddamn preschoolers.
"And here we have the car's wheels,
can anybody tell me what shape the car's wheels are?"
"Yeah, a fucking... circle?"
"That's right!"
"And here is where the car's horn is!"
"And the car horn goes 'Meep-meep!'"
I'm over there taking notes and shit.
Writing everything down like some kind of idiot.
Meanwhile you got dumbasses in my class, raising their hands, asking questions.
"Yeah, you said the car horn goes 'Meep-meep',
but could it go 'Honk-honk!' instead?"
"Why yes, it sure can!"
"Everybody write that down, it will be on the test!"
So after two weeks of playing Patty Cake and learning the sound that car makes,
we finally get to take our written exam.
And this exam was easy as hell.
I mean, it was practically impossible to fail the damn thing.
There would be questions on there, like,
"When a pedestrian is crossing the street at a cross walk, do you:
A. Yield to the pedestrian.
or B. Commit vehicular homicide."
"Ah yeah, is the pedestrian wielding a weapon of some sort?
Like a katana or a boomerang?"
So needless to say, the written exam was pretty pointless.
I mean, your ass could be like a, fucking Amish kindergartner
from a different fucking planet
and you'd still have a good chance to pass the damn thing.
So after that it's time to do your drive times.
And your drive times are when you get into a random stranger's car
And you drive around the city
while they make sure you don't murder anybody.
Now, my first instructor was this old guy, who was...
somewhere between the ages of 80 and 1000 years old.
And he had the tendency to fall asleep every now and then.
I'd be driving down the road,
look over and see this old guy all knocked-out
with his mouth wide open and shit.
"Holy hell, did this guy just die of natural causes in the passenger seat?"
"Don't you die on me, damn it!"
(Snorts) "Whoa! What happened?!"
My second instructor was this lady
that would have me drive her all over the town
so she could get her errands done.
Like I was her own goddamn personal chauffeur.
We would go to the bank,
we would go to the laundromat,
hell, we'd even pick her kid up from school at some point!
Now, why she would have her kid in the backseat
while some dumbass 17-year-old runs over curbs,
I have no idea.
But she was so comfortable with me, she would go into a store,
and just leave me and the kid in the car by ourselves.
The kid would just be staring at me in the backseat and shit.
"Uh... hey there, champ!"
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm not like a kidnapper or anything."
"Are you my dad?"
"No, the fuck I'm not!"
"I'm not a kidnapper and I sure as hell ain't your dad either."
So after 8 hours of driving with
a civil war veteran
and babysitting some lady's kid,
I was finally able to take my road test for my driver's license.
Now, I was a little nervous taking this test for two reasons.
For one, I'm using my friend's shitty-ass Kia Rio,
a car that looks like it was made out of garbage.
And for two, I'm gonna have a police officer riding shotgun,
breathing down my neck, making sure I don't do anything wrong.
"You better not screw anything up!"
"If you fucking fart too loud, I'm gonna fail you on this test,
and I'm gonna tase you in the face."
So the test starts off and I'm doing pretty well,
I'm obeying all the traffic laws,
I'm 10 and 2-ing it on the steering wheel, like a good boy.
But things start to take a turn for the worse when I go down the side street
and there's some idiot on a bike in the middle of the goddamn road.
Just taking his sweet-ass time.
"Sure is a nice day out today!"
"A perfect day to fuck up some kid's driving test, that's for sure!"
So since my driver's ed teacher was an idiot
and just taught us the sounds that car makes,
I didn't really know what to do in this situation.
So I start to panic and honk the horn.
And I swear to God, the fucking horn on this Kia Rio was like,
*MEEP-MEEP!*
"See? I told you the car horn goes 'Meep-meep!'"
This dude looks behind him,
thinking there's gonna be a goddamn RC car behind him.
But he sees me right in his ass instead.
So what does this guy on a bike decide to do?
Well, he flips me the bird of course.
"Ah, what a cheeky little bastard!"
So now at this point I'm thinking, "Well, that's it, I failed the test."
You can have somebody flip you the bird during your driving test
and expect to pass it.
I look over at the police officer
thinking he's about to dropkick me out of the driver seat any minute.
But surprisingly, he starts laughing.
"Ha-ha! Well, that guy is an asshole."
"It's something you're gonna have to get used to driving on the road."
"People flip you the bird all the time."
So in the end this dumbass on the bike didn't sabotage me,
and I was able to pass my test.
I got my license that day,
and I rode off into the sunset with that shitty-ass Kia Rio.
*MEEP-MEEP!*
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