- How do you describe our breakup to others?
- Mmm? Which one? No.
(both laughing)
- I guess holistically, I'd just say,
this is still someone that's part of my life,
and that's my best friend,
but that we just had different life goals.
And then if anybody asks for something specific,
which all the only people that ever do that are
- Your parent?
- Well, no, not my parents.
- They never asked you directly?
- No, of course they did, but I'm saying,
these aren't the people I'm referring to,
because I've viewed them as a long, around the way,
or like new relationships, because new partners,
always want to know, like what happened before,
- Yeah, right right right.
- but but like, it's, it, wasn't on bad terms.
And that's something that I emphasize.
I'm upfront about the fact
that I want a family and kids,
so that because it's inherently involved in it,
I do share that part just so that they know up front,
but outside of that, you know,
there's nothing negative, obviously,
that could be said from my end,
so that's pretty much what I say,
but but I usually just limited it to like,
Hey, still are friends,
but we just had different goals within a relationship.
If for some reason I lost all my memories,
what is the first thing you would tell me about us?
(both laughing)
- Oh man, that's a great, that's a great,
that's a good question.
I would say that I'm your best friend.
Honestly, I take that, I take that title.
I take that title, good.
I'll say I'm your best friend,
and that I love you, more than most people I know.
What I guess the next people,
only probably be my mom, and my dad,
and that we can talk for hours.
And you know, you can always say anything to me,
you've always said anything that you wanted,
so you can always be free to be yourself.
I'll say that our families are,
your families basically my family.
You know, that we grew up, we grew up with each other,
and we're pretty much basically one person,
and what's yours is mine, and mine is yours, so.
All right.
How do you think our lives would be different,
if we never met?
- That is a good question.
It's hard to imagine having not known you,
because of how much knowing you formed who I am.
So I would see a different person.
I mean, at that point, and I feel like,
you're one of my most long-term friendships I've ever had.
I'm not sure what it would have been instead,
but knowing me,
I just would have been like by myself,
and just dealing with certain things alone.
So yeah, I, it's hard to imagine,
because so much of our experiences have defined me.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
What are you hesitant to tell me?
- Mm, a lot of things.
I think, I always feel like,
if I say something to you or,
especially if it's like mental health or whatever situation,
I mean me going to like, just mentally, I feel like,
I feel like now it's a little bit easier,
to talk about it with you,
or would be easier to talk about with you,
but during like back when we were,
you know together and stuff, I just felt like,
either you wouldn't understand it,
or you would take certain things,
I say the wrong way, because I don't say it the right way.
Just not being able to express whatever desires,
sexual desires, I wanted or just all of that.
I guess a lot of, a lot of myself in a relationship,
I kind of hesitant,
to really say anything about open up a lot,
and I guess that's kind of what was a big problem,
especially, like you said for you,
about commitment and sayings in the words of affirmation,
just saying things.
I'm just always afraid of like, losing you,
or you not liking a certain aspect,
that you would have found out about me,
or something like that.
And just like, you know,
having this person that you grew up with just,
you know, like abandoned you or sumthin like that.
Describe the moment you realized I was in love with you.
That's a good question.
- That's a hard one,
because I think there are some times,
even despite the length of us being together,
where I'm not sure if you were or weren't in love with me.
I know you have love for me, and that you appreciate me
as a close friend, but sometimes, I mean, I feel like,
your actions would mean that you were in love with me,
but I didn't always feel like your words,
or interests consistently aligned with that.
It's like you were warring with yourself,
in terms of what you want it to be for me,
versus what this relationship presented for you.
The in-love aspect was always there,
but I'm just not sure.
- Right? You never felt it at all.
- I felt it,
but there was just times where I was questioning it,
because of when I felt like you retracted it.
I don't know if that's what your intention was,
but with certain things,
like future stuff or, marriage and family,
it felt like a reflection of your maybe
disinterest holistically,
by not wanting to pursue that with me.
Maybe just what you thought, being in love looked like it,
wasn't what your experience was.
So I'm not sure it feels dissonant in that way,
or just like, the feelings,
just weren't there in that capacity,
because you couldn't meet a whole new person
and be like, okay, this is what in love feels like.
And I just have appreciation, and love you long for
the friendship that we have,
but that this wasn't romantic love.
- Hmm.
Okay.
- Is it my turn?
Okay.
When did you feel the closest to me?
- When did I feel closest to you?
You know, I dunno, it's hard to say,
I think maybe the not during Savannah,
but afterwards, I guess .
Because we were able to talk through kind of like,
what we were going through,
and I realized we had more in common,
than I previously thought we did,
as far as like what depression,
and just how we dealt with different,
you know, pressures and things like that.
It's like, it wasn't, even though in the moment,
I don't think we were, I felt like we were close,
but like afterwards, when we were able to talk about it,
and just kind of go through what that time was,
I think, once we got to talk to what I felt
a little bit more closer to you,
especially when you opened up about, you know,
what you were going through mentally.
- I, I agree with you in that.
That was one of the times, but I would actually say,
maybe after I started going to therapy for my anxiety,
because it made me understand your depression differently.
Because a lot of times I would think,
that things you would say,
were a reflection of something I was doing wrong,
when really it was not about me at all.
And I feel like I made it about myself,
in moments I should have been listening more to you.
So when we revisited those aspects,
even in our friendship I felt closer to you,
because I could communicate to you
in a way where I felt like,
for the first time we were actually
understanding where each other were coming from.
- Right, yeah.
- But also, we basically grew up together,
so it's like who we were at 19,
is different than who we were,
when we were having those conversations again,
and after we had kind of learned more and grown, so.
- Yeah, definitely. Definitely.
- What is your biggest fear,
about the next stage of our relationship?
- Biggest fear?
Going down the line, and going down in life,
and you gettin married, with someone or a other person.
And I look back, and think, what if that was us,
or what you know, having those feelings,
or having those regrets.
Like what if we had just been able
to find a way to compromise,
or find a way to communicate our feelings,
that what we were feeling towards each other sooner,
and having those kind of like,
having that pushback still having to be around,
you know, family and your new boyfriend and stuff like that.
And having to deal with that,
I guess that's kind of like the biggest fear,
cause it's like, you have to, you have to sit around,
and now you have to sit with your regrets,
and be around it constantly.
I mean, now it's not now it's not really,
I guess really too bad yet, but I feel like once,
you know you do get married,
and you start doing the other side of life,
I feel like it will get probably a little harder.
- Honestly, it would be that you feel that way,
and you pull back without having a conversation.
Cause like, usually that's what you do.
- And you feel that you have to sort of
lay on the bomb, basically to protect everybody else,
when like really,
we could have just thrown it out of the house.
Like, so I'd rather work together to disarm it,
than to have anyone suffer.
So I just, it's my hope that you just work towards
being more open with me, and being kind to yourself,
or you're not doing something for me,
because you care for anybody else, you know,
and that you're you're listening
to how you feel in that way.
And that you talk to me about it,
so that we can still continue that,
But the only way this will work,
is if we have that open and honest communication
about feelings, which is something,
that, ironically we did not even have when we were together.
But I will have to challenge you to do that,
in our friendship so that it can last.
- (distant furniture squeaking)
- (distant talking)
- I'm good.
(laughing)
- You have other questions?
- I guess I have one more question, like for you or.
- Any, any, any, anything, anything.
- Well, If you know, when we broke up last time,
before we broke up, if I were to tell you,
that I was going to propose you, what would you say?
- I'm not sure.
- Both both two questions.
I were, when we, before I left,
the last place that we were at,
when I was saying, when I wanted to move in together,
or move to another place
- Then how would I feel about that?
Or how do I feel about knowing that now?.
- How you feel about knowing that now, if you
- I'm shocked, I'm floored, I'm confused,
and I'm wondering, like,
it just makes me question a lot of things,
that I thought I knew or understood,
because you had sort of said you didn't believe in marriage,
and it was partially informed by your perspective or family.
So you were saying that if you didn't want to have kids,
you didn't see the point in getting married.
So I don't know, I guess I would just be at a loss,
but but if you're asking, would the attended commitment
making me feel more secure in a relationship,
in what I have left,
I probably would have stayed longer, but I'm still not sure,
that that would have meant that we would've lasted.
- Hmm.
- When I look into your eyes,
what would you want me to see in them?
- Hmm.
I guess care, care for you, care for,
just I guess probably the freedom,
for you to be, or say anything to me, comfortability.
Want you feel comfortable, want you to feel like,
you can say, do anything, and just be free.
It's always, always all I've ever wanted, really.
- I do fill out for the most part, but also safety.
I think of safety, when I think of you.
- Do you feel like I trust you?
- Yeah, you've had to at this point,
(laughing)
just because of length of time,
but I mean there's and some time in the beginning,
where I still felt like you were searching for that.
So, I can't really pinpoint where I felt like it shifted,
but once it was there, I felt like it.
I didn't have to worry about it leaving.
- Hey, it's, Ashika here from The Skin Deep.
Thank you so much for being here,
and watching this conversation.
If you want to have more meaningful conversations,
like this at home, some of our best questions,
are in this card game right here.
To check it out go to,
shop.theskindeep.com.
Thank you.