-I want to get serious... -What?
-...for a s-- No, I don't.
How could I ever get serious after that?
Alright, guys, I love everyone's in the partying mode.
-It's Friday party. -Oh, it's Friday.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Today's Friday?
-Friday.
Oh, shoot.
-Today's Friday. -It is Friday.
-Usually on Friday, I check my inbox, of course.
-What else do you do? -I return some e-mails,
and I write out thank you notes every Friday.
-Really? -I'm running late.
Do you guys mind?
Do you guys mind if I write 'em out right now?
Is that okay during the show?
[ Cheers and applause ] I understand.
I appreciate this.
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
[ Piano rendition of "Celebration" plays ]
-♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing ] God.
What is going --
Like a baby -- That was a lullaby Kool & The Gang.
It was like, "Alright. Go to sleep, everybody."
[ Laughter ]
[ Piano rendition of "Celebration" plays ]
-Alright, shh!
-Whoo-hoo!
-Shh-shh!
That's the most excited I've ever seen James.
♪♪
-Thank you, Travis and Jason Kelce,
for being two brothers wearing red and green,
making you the Mario and Luigi of the NFL.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah, come on.
"It's-a me, Travis."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Thank you, the word "tailgate,"
for being a parking lot party but also sounding like the name
of a Trump scandal we never got to.
He's like, "I've got nothing to do with tailgates."
-"There's a lot of tail" -- -"I was not even --
I wasn't even there for tailgates."
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, US military,
for shooting down China's spy balloon.
I just feel bad for the guy
who spent six months blowing it up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Balloon deflates ]
The whole time, I wasn't squeezing it to get the air.
The --
♪♪
Thank you, entire Super Bowl stadium made out of snacks,
for being an impressive way to show your friends
that you love football and have way too much free time.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"...and pretzels and carrots.
Celery's there."
-[ Nasally ] This soppressata represents --
-[ Nasally ] What I do is I take a Dorito
and put it inside of a pretzel.
-Well, I use pretzel man as --
-And I dip the whole pretzel in the nacho --
the the nacho cheese. It says --
-Really? -Yeah, it's pretty funny.
Well, you get the nacho cheese to a certain temperature,
And it will melt, of course, and then cool off.
-Yeah, it will solidify a different way,
making a different texture.
-Yeah, so it starts as a liquid.
Ends up a solid in your mouth, then it becomes a liquid again.
-I know, exactly. Then it ends up as a gas.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Celebrate good times, you know what I mean?
-[ Normal voice ] Mm-hmm.
♪♪
Thank you, the City of Philadelphia.
Win or lose, it was nice knowing you.
Yeah. Good luck.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on. Please don't --
-Come on, come on. Philly, come on, Philly.
Please. -"You got a hoagie" --
-Please keep it cool. Come on, guys.
♪♪
Thank you, Doritos spending $7 million on Super Bowl ads,
for vastly overestimating the amount of effort
it takes to get me to buy Doritos.
I love Doritos.
-More? -I'm good.
-Wait, you know what?
-They're part of a balanced meal.
-Maybe I should get some Doritos.
Hadn't thought about it. -I have them in the morning
in a bowl with milk, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, Chiefs mascot KC Wolf.
I'm not sure what a raccoon on bath salts
has to do with football or Chiefs,
but I'm willing to go for it.
[ Cheers and applause ] I love it.
[ Shrieking ]
"Football!" -[ Laughs ]
-Sandler's the mascot? -[ As Adam Sandler ] Yes!
[ Laughter ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-Aw, is this the last one? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-This is the final -- This is the final one?
-Thank you, "Last of Us" zombie,
for looking like that one weird chicken wing
on the tray that no one eats.
There you have it, everybody. Those are our thank you notes.