WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE GETTING MORE REVELATIONS RIGHT
NOW, ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S FORMER DOCTOR, HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
HELLO!
YOU KNOW THAT DURING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS,
CANDIDATES ALWAYS RELEASE THEIR HEALTH RECORDS TO PROVE THEY'RE
HEALTHY ENOUGH FOR THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD.
WELL, YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT INSTEAD OF A MEDICAL REPORT,
BORNSTEIN RELEASED A ONE-PAGE LETTER BOASTING OF TRUMP'S
PHYSICAL FITNESS.
BUT NOW, TRUMP HAS KICKED HIM TO THE CURB, SO THE DOCTOR HAS
REVEALED THAT TRUMP DICTATED HIS GLOWING HEALTH LETTER.
LAUGH OKAY, THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS!
BUT LET'S NOT RUSH TO JUDGMENT.
MAYBE TRUMP DIDN'T WRITE IT.
LET ME TRY SOMETHING.
"HIS PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND STAMINA ARE EXTRAORDINARY.
IF ELECTED, MR. TRUMP, I CAN STATE UNEQUIVOCALLY, WILL BE THE
HEALTHIEST INDIVIDUAL EVER ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, HE DID IT.
YEAH.
THAT-- THAT CHECKS OUT.
YEAH, THAT CHECKS OUT.
I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THESE OTHER DOCTORS' NOTES, LIKE THIS
ONE FROM TRUMP'S DENTIST, "MOST TEETH EVER.
MUCH LONGER TONGUE THAN OBAMA."
AND HIS PODIATRIST REPORT: "FEET OF A GOD, UNLESS THERE'S A
DRAFT, IN WHICH CASE, BONE SPURS.
SAD."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS, THAT IS SAD.
THAT IS SAD.
EVIDENTLY, THE LETTER COULD'VE BEEN EVEN MORE GLOWING, BECAUSE
BORNSTEIN SAYS, "TRUMP DICTATED THE LETTER, AND I WOULD TELL HIM
WHAT HE COULDN'T PUT IN THERE."
LET ME REMIND YOU THAT THE ORIGINAL LETTER SAID TRUMP HAD
EXTRAORDINARY PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND STAMINA AND THAT HE WOULD BE
THE HEALTHIEST INDIVIDUAL EVER ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCY.
WHAT DID TRUMP WANT THAT WAS TOO MUCH FOR BORNSTEIN?
"OKAY, LISTEN, SAY I'M 6'7" I WEIGH 180 POUNDS OF ROCK-HARD
MUSCLE.
MY NIPPLES CAN CUT GLASS.
MY BLOOD IS LIQUID GOLD.
MY SPERM IS A REGISTERED WEAPON.
AND MY PENIS IS SO MANLY, THAT IT HAS IT'S OWN PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- AND-- AND-- AND-- AND THAT PENIS IS SPECTACULAR."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHO WON'T LET TRUMP
WRITE THE REPORT FOR HIM?
ROBERT MUELLER.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOING TO WRITE HIS OWN
REPORT.
AND THINGS ARE GETTING TESTY BETWEEN THE SPECIAL COUNSEL AND
THE PRESIDENT.
YESTERDAY, 49 QUESTIONS-- YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS-- 49 QUESTIONS
THAT MUELLER SUPPOSEDLY WANTS TO ASK TRUMP WERE LEAKED.
AND TODAY WE LEARNED THAT WHEN TRUMP REFUSED TO VOLUNTARILY
ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS, MUELLER SAID, "HE COULD ISSUE A SUBPOENA
FOR THE PRESIDENT TO APPEAR BEFORE A GRAND JURY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
I-- I-- I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
BUT IF YOU WANT TRUMP TO SHOW UP, YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO SLAP
HIM WITH A SUBPOENA.
YOU HAVE TO OFFER TO SPANK HIM WITH IT.
( APPLAUSE ) A LITTLE... POP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL ASK
TRUMP, BECAUSE THOSE 49 QUESTIONS THAT WERE LEAKED?
MUELLER DIDN'T EVEN WRITE THOSE.
IS IN ACTUALITY, "MUELLER'S TEAM
AGREED TO PROVIDE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS WITH MORE
SPECIFIC INFORMATION ABOUT THE SUBJECTS THAT PROSECUTORS WISHED
TO DISCUSS WITH THE PRESIDENT.
WITH THOSE DETAILS IN HAND, TRUMP'S LAWYER JAY SEKULOW
COMPILED A LIST OF 49 QUESTIONS THAT TRUMP'S TEAM BELIEVED THE
PRESIDENT WOULD BE ASKED."
THOSE QUESTIONS ARE MADE UP.
THEY'RE JUST MUELLER FAN-FICTION.
IT EXPLAINS WHY IN QUESTION 35 IS, JAMES COMEY FINALLY HOOKS UP
WITH ROD ROSENSTEIN.
BUT WHY WOULD THE TRUMP TEAM PURPOSELY LEAK THEIR OWN
QUESTIONS, YOU QUESTION?
WELL, APPARENTLY, TRUMP NOW PLANS TO POINT TO THE LIST AS
EVIDENCE THAT MUELLER HAS STRAYED BEYOND HIS MANDATE AND
IS OVER-REACHING.
"LOOK, THIS MUELLER GUY, IF HE'S GOING TO ASK ME EVEN HALF OF THE
THINGS MY LAWYERS TOTALLY MADE UP, HE'S GOTTA GO."
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP IS ATTACKING MUELLER'S
RIGHT EVEN TO QUESTION HIM, TWEETING THIS QUOTE: "'THE
QUESTIONS ARE AN INTRUSION INTO THE PRESIDENT'S ARTICLE II
POWERS UNDER THE CONSTITUTION TO FIRE ANY EXECUTIVE BRANCH
EMPLOYEE-- WHAT THE PRESIDENT WAS THINKING IS AN OUTRAGEOUS--
AS TO THE PRESIDENT'S UNFETTERED POWER TO FIRE ANYONE--' JOE
diGENOVA, FORMER U.S. ATTORNEY."
OKAY, I THINK-- IF I CAN DECODE THAT.
I THINK WHAT UNCLE OFF-HIS-MEDS IS SAYING HERE IS THAT WE'LL
HAVE A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS IF HE CAN'T FIRE THE PEOPLE
INVESTIGATING HIM FOR FIRING PEOPLE WHO WERE INVESTIGATING
HIM.
RIGHT NOW, NIXON IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE SAYING, "I TOLD YOU
I WASN'T A CROOK."
LAYOFF LAUGH
THIS IS SAD!
OH!
NIXON!
ED SULLIVAN!
NIXON!
ED SULLIVAN!
ASK YOUR GRANDPARENTS.
THEN TRUMP TWEETED, "A RIGGED SYSTEM-- THEY DON'T WANT TO TURN
OVER DOCUMENTS TO CONGRESS.
WHAT ARE THEY AFRAID OF?
WHY SO MUCH REDACTING?
WHY SUCH UNEQUAL JUSTICE?
AT SOME POINT, I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE THE POWERS
GRANTED TO THE PRESIDENCY AND GET INVOLVED!"
SIR, YOU'RE ALREADY INVOLVED.
TECHNICALLY, THE DEFENDANT IS THE STAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND TODAY-- YOU'RE A STAR!
A BIG, BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL STAR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )