( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS HERE TO MAKE
HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME ALEX FALCONE!
>> THANK YOU!
WOW!
SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU GUYS ATE WILLLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.
I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL AT HOME.
THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO PHRASE THAT.
MY WIFE IS SHORT.
THAT WAS MISLEADING.
YEAH, I HAVE A PETITE ADULT WOMAN AT HOME.
I TALK ABOUT IT A LOT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE GOT
ON HER, SHE HAS A MASTERS DEGREE AND I HAVE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
ABOVE THE FRIDGE S SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT.
SHE'S SUPPORTIVE.
I CHIPPED A TOOTH EATING PIE TOO AGGRESSIVELY.
SOMETIMES I DON'T TAKE THE FORK OUT OF MY MOUTH BEFORE CHEWING.
I LIVE ON THE EDGE.
I CHIP MY TOOTH.
I'M WHIMPERING.
MY WIFE COMES IN, WHAT HAPPENED BIG GUY, BECAUSE I'M VERY TALL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY, PIE, FORK, LIVING ON THE EDGE.
AND NO HESITATION, SHE SAYS, OH, YEAH, PIE CAN BE TRICKY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE WE
WERE 19 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS KIND OF A WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
YEAH.
IT'S OUR ENTIRE ADULT LIVES, WITH I IS A FUN WAY TO DO IT
WHICH MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT JEALOUSY BECAUSE
NEITHER OF US LEARNED HOW TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SO WE'RE NOT A THREAT.
AT THIS POINT, MY WIFE THINKS ABOUT ME CHEATING ON HER THE WAY
SHE THINKS ABOUT OUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG STEALING HER BANK PASSWORD.
SHE WOULD BE HURT, BUT TOTALLY IMPRESSED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DID THAT?!
WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THAT?!
OH, I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU.
HE THINKS HE'S PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS,
RECENTLY, EATING A TACO FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY
DOWN THERE.
THE TACO WAS SO DELICIOUS, I FELT I WAS EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED
WITH THE TACO.
SO I TOOK A PICTURE, SEND IT TO MY WIFE WIFE ALONG WITH THE
CAPTION "I'M SORRY, I MET SOMEONE NEW."
JUST AN AWESOME JOKE AND I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO LOVE IT.
SEVERAL HOURS GO BY, I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK.
SO I CHECK IN.
WHEN I OPEN THE APP, THE NEXT MESSAGE SENT FINE BUT THE
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE TACO DID NOT SEND!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHAT I'VE DONE, IS SENT MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD A
VERY CASUAL EARLY-MORNING BREAKFAST BREAKUP TEXT AND THE
END GONE RADIO SILENT.
AND THIS IS WHY I RECOMMEND, BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T THINK
YOU'RE PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF CHEATING ON THEM BECAUSE SHE
TOLD ME EARLIER IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO HER FOR A SECOND THAT WAS
REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS HER WHOLE EXPERIENCE --
I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.
AND SHE'S LIKE -- NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE TOOK A WHILE BEFORE WE GOT
ENGAGED, WE DIDN'T RUSH INTO IT.
MY UNCLE SAID, DUDE, WHY BUY THE COW IF YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING
THE MILK FOR FREE?
AND I WAS LIKE -- LOVE!
HERE'S HOW YOU CA TELL I LOVE HER, RICK, I NEVER REFER TO HER
AS "THE COW."
THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
YEAH.
ALSO, YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED THREE TIMES, RICK, MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT -- [ CLICKS TONGUE ).
A RANCHER.
ALSO SOMETIMES IN AMERICA THE CATTLE HAVE BETTER HEALTH.
IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.
SOME GUY SAID HE'D BEEN FRIEND ZONE, WAS VERY UPSET.
IT'S SUCH AN ENTITLED TERM.
I PRETENDED TO BE NICE WITH THIS LADY AND SHE DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY
SLEEP WITH ME SO I'M THE VICTIM OF A HUGE INJOSESTIES.
NOT HOW IT WORKS.
I PUT IN THREE COMPLIMENTS, WHERE DOES THE SEX COME OUT?
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, YOU JUST MADE A FRIEND,
YOU MONSTER!
LIKE, WHO'S MAD ABOUT GETTING A FREE FRIEND?
I'M AN ADULT, I HAVEN'T MADE A FRIEND ON ACCIDENT SINCE THIRD
GRADE.
IF ANY OF YOU FRIEND TO FRIEND ZONE ME TONIGHT, I WOULD BE UP
FOR IT.
LET'S GET BRUNCH AND PLAY BOARD GAMES AND GO ON A ROAD TRIP AND
DEVELOP AN INSIDE JOKE AND BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN IT
MEARTSZ AND HAVE A BETTER VERSION OF THANKSGIVING WITHOUT
OUR FAMILIES THERE.
LET'S FRIEND ZONE, NEW YORK!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> STEPHEN: HE'S TAPING HIS DEBUT COMEDY ALBUM AT HELIUM
CLUB IN PORTLAND, OREGON ON SEPTEMBER 15.
ALEX FALCONE, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.