-Our next guest is best known for her role
as Hilda Spellman on the ABC hit series
"Sabrina The Teenage Witch," as well as her --
[ Cheers and applause ]
As well as her numerous comedy specials.
She will be performing at the Epic Events Center in Green Bay,
November 18th.
Please welcome the very funny Caroline Rhea.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hi! Thank you.
I'm so happy to be in New York.
I live in Los Angeles now, and everyone is very concerned
with their appearance there. [ Light laughter ]
Like, people always say to me, "Caroline, your face is so full.
What kind of filler do you use? Is it Restylane or Juvederm?"
I'm like, "Fudge." [ Laughter ]
"I put a little rocky road right here."
[ Laughter ]
"And then this is vanilla. Yeah."
And they're fussy eaters. I have one friend,
she is so gluten-intolerant,
she can't even listen to Hall & Oates.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I was ghosted by a man in his 70s. Yeah.
I'm hoping he was just so old he died and became a ghost.
[ Laughter ]
So now I'm on this amazing dating app, Taskrabbit.
I love it. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it gets the job done. [ Laughter ]
I live in a 100-year-old house, and, seriously,
I feel like my house is just an old man
who married me for my money. [ Laughter ]
No, it really is. It's like an old man.
Like, the foundation, it's not hard anymore.
[ Laughter ]
There's very little wood. [ Laughter ]
It takes forever for any water to come out of the pipes, and --
[ Laughter ]
There's a lot of spontaneous gas leaks
that it blames on the dog, so... [ Laughter ]
I have one friend who's obsessed with astrology.
I mean, like, a crazy person.
Admittedly, I did have to have an emergency C-section
because I was very high risk for having a Scorpio.
[ Laughter ] And, um...
Yeah, there was no way I wanted my daughter born
that good at sex and unable to forgive, so...
[ Laughter ] Wasn't gonna happen.
Yeah.
I hate when people pretend they don't know what sign they are.
Like, I asked this man in Georgia.
I go "What sign are you?" And he goes, "I have no idea."
I go, "Well, how old are you?" He's like, "56."
I go, "In 56 years, no one has ever mentioned
what sign you are?"
And he said, "Um, I think I'm a 'lib-ra.'"
[ Laughter ] "Oh, a lib-ra.
Did you read about that in a 'hor-os-copy' book?"
[ Laughter ]
"I thought perhaps you were a 'ge-meanie' or a 'pish-ez.'"
[ Laughter ]
"Maybe a 'vir-jo' or a 'canker,'
but you look like a 'saggy-tit-a-raurus.'
You really do."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
My ex-boyfriend was a cancer -- in many ways.
He, um -- [ Laughter ]
He was actually a lib-ra. [ Laughter ]
So, I had my daughter in my 40s, and of course I breast-fed.
And no one was more shocked than my boobs, okay?
[ Laughter ]
They'd been understudies their entire life,
and they were like, "What? We're going on?"
[ Laughter ]
"I don't even know if I remember the part."
[ Laughter ]
Having a teenager and being a comedian,
it often feels like the heckler
just followed me home from the club.
[ Laughter ]
She's so mean.
She's like, "That's not funny." [ Light laughter ]
"What happened to your hair? You smell like ranch."
[ Laughter ] I'm like, "I do?"
It's so pathetic 'cause all I want to do is please her.
And I was watching "House of the Dragon."
I was very disappointed.
I thought it was just about raising a teenager.
And -- [ Laughter ]
'Cause my daughter, she's like an evil queen,
and I'm like this pathetic troll servant
who endlessly tries to please her.
Like -- and I make a big deal of everything.
Even if I bring her, like, a coffee, I'm like this.
[ Laughter ]
"My lady!" [ Laughter ]
"I bring you a frozen potion.
Made of almond milk and the spice of a pumpkin."
[ Laughter ]
"1/3 decaf, no foam.
Grande in a vente cup, as you have demanded."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
She's like this, "Did you say almond milk?
Are you trying to ruin the environment?"
[ Laughter ]
"I asked for oat milk. Take it away."
"A thousand pardons, my lady." [ Laughter ]
And then she's like, "Mummy, will you take me to the mall?"
"I shall prepare the carriage and the bag of gold."
[ Laughter ]
So, of course, to do everything
for my daughter, I got her a dog.
And so, one day, the dog was sitting on my lap,
and she viciously bit me on the nipple.
[ Audience groans ]
Do you have any idea how painful it is to realize
that your nipple is accessible from your lap?
[ Laughter ]
Those were real tears.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you very much!
I'm Caroline Rhea.
♪♪
-I mean, stop it! Come on, now.
Come on! Come over here.
Caroline Rhea!
We'll be right back with more from Caroline!
Come on, come on!