-I was at my local branch of the New York public library
last week, and looking at microfiche articles about
migrating tree frogs and --
[ Sniffing ]
Wait, I'm so sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke.
And that could only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through,
and not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
Zoinks and gadzooks.
[ Laughter ]
First up, cologne.
Ah, cologne.
The official smell of the step-dad who asked
if the waitress is also on the menu.
[ Laughter ]
If cologne is so good and everybody wants it,
why do they ambush you outside the Macy's elevator
like they're pepper spraying a mugger?
Also, cologne, why is it impossible
to wear the right amount of you?
There are only two amounts of cologne --
none or olfactory war crime.
Here's the best way to put on cologne --
spray some into the air, and then run the other way.
Cologne, I'd say you're the worst musk, but come on.
Side burn Elon.
-Side burn.
And, cologne, don't try fancy yourself up
by using names like "Drakkar Noir."
That just sounds something that a Targaryen would yell
during sex.
Also, could "Drakkar Noir" be easier to say?
And hey, cologne, if I actually wanted a good time,
I'd just go to Dusseldorf.
Oops, sorry, looks like that was a burn
on the German city of cologne.
I'm not sure how that slipped in there.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, cologne, smell ya later, ya burnt.
Pickleball -- too rich for ping-pong
and too out of shape for tennis?
[ Laughter ]
Try pickleball.
My only question is, why'd they name it pickleball
when worst-minton was right there for the taking.
[ Laughter ]
Also, are we allowed to bet on this sport?
Because odds are 2-1 that Gary pops a kneecap.
-Gary should've stretched his hammies.
-Also, pickleball, could you be any louder?
I barely hit the ball over the net, and it sounds like
Albert Pujols knocking it out of Busch Stadium.
Oh, and hey, pickleball?
I recently played you, and you're actually super fun.
My writers don't understand that some of us are too rich
for ping-pong and too out of shape for tennis.
[ Laughter ]
So, apologies.
Pickleball, enough with the racket, ya burnt.
People who say "autumn" -- calm down, Henry David Thoreau.
It's a season, not an SAT test.
Try slipping an autumn past me in conversation,
and my foot will be summering in the cool shade of your ass.
[ Laughter ]
Every season gets one name.
You don't see winter all of a sudden saying,
"I also go by Slushtoberfest."
Also, fall is the perfect name for the season
because it's descriptive.
It's what the leaves do.
I never seen a leaf autumn from a tree.
The season is fall.
End of story.
-I call it solstice.
-Good for you, man.
People who say autumn, peep this, ya burnt.
The LIV Golf tour -- finally, an answer to the question,
is there any possible way to make golfers even less likable?
Oh, did a bunch of entitled White country club members
decide to follow the money?
I would say I'm shocked, but golf is the only sport
with multiple athletes whose last name is "the third."
[ Laughter ]
And hey, LIV tour, considering they can't get even get
a second pro football league to succeed,
I don't feel very good feeling about your chances
of long-term success.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, they have unlimited Saudi money?
Well, then I shall look forward to your long-term success.
LIV golf tour, guess you had a late tee time, because ya burnt.
Costco -- sure, the magnum of cough syrup I bought
was too big to fit in the trunk, so I had to strap it to the roof
of my Kia, but it's worth it to save 40 cents per gallon.
And Costco shoppers, if you need 144 rolls of toilet paper,
what you actually need is a doctor.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Which conveniently, Costco also has.
Also, what's with the membership cards?
If I had an extra $65 laying around,
I wouldn't be shopping at Goddamn Costco.
This is a grocery store, not a yacht club.
-We're actually having a sale on yachts in aisle 10.
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Everything's bigger in Costco, including the balls on the guy
buying an eight pound jar of queso that says
best if consumed within two days of opening.
[ Laughter ]
And I swore I would never say this about pizza rolls,
but that's too many.
Costco, you better get a good deal on aloe 'cause ya burnt.
Glue -- that's right, we're burning glue.
[ Laughter ]
Don't like it? Well, I'd like to see you
come up with eight years of new topics for "Ya Burnt."
[ Laughter ]
Well, let's do it.
Glue!
[ Laughter ]
Or as I call it, the final leg of the triple crown.
Yeah, that's right. [ Audience ohs ]
Yeah, that's right!
Yeah, that's right, we're burning glue,
and we're starting with a joke about turning
racehorses into glue.
We're not setting you up with two soft ones,
and then going for the groaner.
Eight years.
[ Laughter ]
Glue, you're like a maid of honor corralling
a bunch of 15 bachelorettes through New Orleans.
You're barely holding things together.
-Heather just puked up a beignet.
-And dried glue, could you not make my fingers look like
and feel like Freddy Krueger's [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
Could you not?
Eight years.
Also, if glue is supposed to stick glitter to paper,
then how come the glitter's everywhere?
[ Laughter ]
You're messier than a "Real Housewives"
custody battle.
Speaking of kids, good luck trying to stop them
from eating this creamy white syrup of the Gods.
Look less delicious, glue.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, glue, make like Elmer and go fudd yourself.
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Laughter ]
Glue, ya burnt.
Aaron Judge -- you easily hit your 60th home run,
which puts you one away from tying the all-time
American League record, and the all-time record among
guys who weren't jacked up on 'roids.
As a Red Sox fan, this breaks my heart,
but I gotta give you credit.
It's an amazing achievement, and that's why
you're this week's unburnable.
Ascend to safety, my friend.
[ Angelic hymn plays ]
Alright, alright, pick it up.
[ Applause ]
Moving on, first day of school photos.
I know it may seem a little late to burn these at the end
of September, but considering that according to Instagram
the first day of school apparently now lasts
from July 4th to Yom Kippur, I think they're fair game.
I mean, I get it for kindergarten
and the first grade, but why are you making your 12-year-old
hold a sign that says "first day of sixth grade"?
They look like a friggin' hostage
holding the day's newspaper.
The only difference is most hostages aren't going through
a very awkward stage of puberty
that will now be memorialized forever.
People who take first day of school photos,
if you're gonna make your kid hold up a sign,
it should say "my mom is using me for social media clout."
[ Laughter ]
First day of school photos, look at the camera
and say "ya burnt."
Quiet quitting -- finally a name for what most people
have already done for most of human history --
doing the bare minimum at work
and hoping nobody notices.
You know, like how my writers just put glue in "Ya Burnt"
eight years after we started.
[ Laughter ]
Though is it really quiet quitting
if you're tweeting three times a day about it.
Also, I haven't worn a suit in two years, so don't talk
to me about quiet quitting, I invented that [bleep].
Next week I'm gonna start rotating in some pajamas
into the wardrobe, and then I'm almost out.
And finally...
Uh, Wally, buddy, there's nothing on that card.
-Sorry, Seth, I'm done for the day.
Also, I can't hear you.
I'm balls-deep in this podcast.
-Eugh! [ Laughter ]
Stop saying you're balls-deep in podcasts!
[ Applause ]
Hey, quiet quitting, ya burnt. [ Buzzer ]
Oh! That buzzer means we're out of time.
This has been "Ya Burnt."