What is a cowboy without a hat?
It is iconic.
It serves a purpose.
And in Red Dead Redemption 2, you get a choice of 36 hats you can equip while at camp.
Well, pardner, saddle up, because I'm about to rank every single Red Dead hat based on
my patented Form, Funk, and Fance criteria system.
Form, how well was it made?
Funk, how well does it function?
And Fance, how fabulous is it?
Obviously we need a control group, so "no hat" is our baseline.
Spoiler Warning: You're about to see every single hat in Red Dead Redemption 2.
Let's rank these babies!
Starting with the Worn Cavalry Hat.
It's poorly made, and it makes it harder to see when you're riding on a horse.
If you wear this hat to my house, I'm going to ask you to take it off, and then I'm gonna
ask you to leave.
The Goat Flop Hat.
It's barely better than the Worn Cavalry Hat.
The Worn Flat Cap.
Look, Arthur's a cowboy, not in a community theatre production of Newsies.
The Legendary Beaver Flop Hat.
If the 1890s had an equivalent of peacocking, this would be it.
The Western Hat.
From the name, I expected something better than whatever the hell this thing is.
The Ram Sombrero.
Now I know most of these hats are made out of wool or hide, but this one really screams,
"I'm wearing skin!"
The Muskrat Cavalry Hat.
Now, I do love the bones, but it's just a bad hat still.
Why did cavalry use this?
The Plantation Slouch Hat.
I understand that all hats are not built for every person.
Arthur, it just doesn't suit your face very well.
The Military Scout Hat.
It's like if the person who made the Western Hat actually gave a shit.
The Plantation Hat.
Look, Arthur, I already said, it doesn't suit your bone structure, so pack it up.
The Legendary Coyote Mountain Hat.
What did you do to this beautiful animal?
It looks like somebody took their hand out of a Jim Henson puppet.
The Worn Gambler's Hat.
It's a staple, but it's kind of ratty.
The Big City Hat.
"Oh, I'm from the big city.
I only care about minimalism.
I wear black so it goes with everything."
Don't sell out, Arthur.
The Legendary Cougar Flop Hat.
I mean, it's fancy, but in a "Let me tell you about my crystal collection" sort of way.
No hat.
We're at the midway point.
Anything before this is worse than just having a nude head.
But we're also tied with Arthur's Gambler's Hat, which means it's time for me to introduce
my secret fourth criteria: The Tipping Point.
Which of these hats looks better when you tip it and say, "Howdy."
It's obviously the gambler's hat.
We got another tie.
The Grenadier Hat and the Derby Hat.
Derby Hat has to win this one because the Grenadier Hat doesn't have a rim.
How would you tip it?
Also, it's just a lot.
Looks like we've got a three-way tie here.
I'm just gonna go ahead and put Legendary Ram Hat down at the bottom because it looks
like something you stole from Jamiroquai's basement.
The Rolled Derby Hat looks like a sexy devil could wear it, or someone at a steampunk convention.
And now, I know that the Stovepipe Top Hat has very little functional worth, but I have
to stick with my criteria, it's really fancy, and really well made.
I gotta tip my hat to the Stovepipe.
You gotta do a lot for that.
That's a power play.
Straight into another tie, the Estate Boss Hat is a solid piece of work.
And about as exciting as its name suggests.
The Legendary Bear Head Hat is a bit rough around the edges, and probably smells as good
as it looks.
The tipping point goes to the Legendary Bear Head Hat.
Because, can you imagine someone tipping that at you?
HOOO!
The Elk Flop Hat.
It's the embodiment of "Howdy, pardner."
The Panama Hat.
It's as close as we've gotten to an archetypal cowboy hat.
It's got the altitude, the latitude, and the attitude.
Another tie!
The Raccoon Hat is just a palette swap of the Legendary Coyote Hat, but with better
form.
Uh, also, is that a raccoon?
But obviously the tipping point is going to go to the Bulldogger Hat.
Now that... is a cowboy hat.
*bad western accent* NOW THAT'S A COWBOY HAT.
The High Crown Bowler Hat is just a fortress of a hat, you couldn't get through that baby.
Pat: You could shoot a cannon at this fucker!
Brian: You could shoot a cannon at this fucker!
But the tipping point goes to the Stalker Hat.
That's... it's more... it's easier to tip, I guess.
I dunno.
There are a lot of hats.
Next tie: The Beaver Drifter Hat.
There's a nice texture on that beaver hat, but it's...
It makes me uncomfortable to be perfectly honest.
It's not as good as the Big Valley Hat.
This hat looks like success.
Paragon Town Hat.
It's got a great curve, and those leather studs show you it's being worn by a tough
guy.
Like Bowser.
Or Voldo.
The Beaver Big Valley Hat.
Look at that purple accenting.
Those medallions.
As if to say, "I won first prize at being able to pull this hat off."
The Coyote Gambler's Hat.
Thick band.
Fashion forward.
Solid as a rock.
The Legendary White Bison Hat.
It's ostentatious I'll grant you that, but someone walks into my parlor wearing it, I'm
not gonna ask any questions.
They definitely earned it.
Which leaves us with the final two hats.
A tie between the Legendary Alligator Gambler's Hat and the Good Big Valley Hat.
Goddamn that's a fancy hat.
Look at that embossing!
Look at those teeth!
But is it more powerful than the Good Big Valley Hat, which certainly lives up to its
name.
It's like in Dragon Ball Z when Frieza gets bigger and bigger with each form, but when
he reaches his final form, he's back to basics.
That's what the Good Big Valley Hat is: Frieza's final form.
And that's why I've gotta give the tipping point to the Good Big Valley Hat.
And that is the definitive ranking of every hat in Red Dead Redemption 2.
Now I'm going to list every hat that should've been in the game.
The beret.
The pith helmet.
The fascinator.
Aretha Franklin's big bow hat from the 2008 Presidential Inauguration.
The fedora.
The beanie.
The cloche hat.
The baseball cap.
The supreme hat.
The deerstalker hat.
The foam oversized cowboy hat.
The fez.
The boater hat.
The sailor cap.
The tricorne.
The bicorne.
Guy Fawke's sugarloaf.
The trapper hat.
The poker visor.
Cappy.
Jim Carrey's The Mask.
Bonnet.
Pillbox hat.
Witch's hat.
Pharrell William's Arby's hat.