Hey everybody.
It's finally Friday,
sing it with me.
We're gonna hit the road a running, let the good times roll, roll.
I'm so glad it's Friday, oh my goodness.
But I have to work tomorrow a little bit.
A couple of clients.
But then I get to sleep in on Sunday, yay!
So I'm excited, anyways.
And when it's Friday here at katimorton.com I'm on facebook.
So if you asked your questions on facebook using the #KatiFAQ
I went through and I already answered some.
So if there is any of you wondering, I already answered like six other questions.
So, I was busy.
Now I have three very good questions as well.
To talk about today.
As well as a journal topic.
So lets get crack-a-lacking.
First question, 'Hey Kati, I was wondering what emotional abuse is.'
'I understand the concept. But how do you know if you have been emotionally abused?'
'Also, what is the difference between emotional and mental abuse? I hope you answer this, thank you so much.'
So, emotional abuse is.
So mental abuse and emotional abuse, I don't believe there is any difference.
I actually don't even think there is a separation between the two.
I don't think they actually call it mental abuse, we just call it emotional abuse.
Now, emotional abuse to me goes hand in hand with verbal abuse, in a way.
Because emotional abuse is a lot of, the best way to describe this is when someone in your life is taking advantage of you emotionally.
So that can mean, let me get some examples because it's kind of hard to describe now that I am actually talking about it.
In my head I was like 'Oh I know this', but now to explain it clearly, sometimes it's difficult.
So, emotional abuse is when someone, let's just say a parent.
Says something to you like,
'Wow, that's all you did today. God sometimes it's just so disappointing the amount of things you do and all you do is you sit here and suck off of me. And you are so ungrateful.'
And they just kind of put you down.
Or in a way persuade you to feel a certain way.
So I always think verbal abuse and emotional abuse are very similar in that.
Because often times there is actions as well as words that go along with making us feel bad.
And the whole point of emotional abuse is that they do things or say things in order to get us to feel bad, to feel worthless, to feel horrible.
So anything that creates that in you that you find yourself feeling really terrible.
Because family and friends, they know best how to poke our buttons right.
And some people are really abusive with it and they can turn that into abuse by saying things that are really hurtful and knowing how we will react to it.
Is that clear?
I know sometimes it's like, it's hard for me to express what I am trying to express.
But that's what emotional abuse is.
If you have any other questions or you want me to do a full Monday video on it, let me know.
Give this video a thumbs up and comment and let me know.
Because it is something that I can definitely describe more.
But that's the easiest way for short short video.
Okay question number two, 'Hey Kati, accepting sympathy?'
'I absolutely hate it when my therapist shows any sort of sympathy towards me. Is this normal?'
'I'm still working through some past trauma and it makes me super uncomfortable to hear her say things like, 'I'm so sorry that that happened', or 'That had to be very scary for you'.'
'Or anything along those lines. Showing sympathy doesn't change anything, but it's not like she could ever really understand how I felt or feel about it.'
'In addition it makes me more uncomfortable to hear her say I was 'abused'. I know that I was but it feel like I am being labelled as defective or something.'
'Can I ask her not to say those kinds of things or is it something that I need to hear / learn to accept? Thanks.'
I thought that this was a good question because a lot of us, I know, have trouble with this.
And the truth of it, and I'm just going to cut to the chase, I'm not going to sugar coat it too much.
When we accept sympathy from bad things that have happened to us, we have to accept ourselves that they happened to us.
And that can be really, really hard.
And hearing someone say it so nonchalantly, possibly. Or so matter of factly.
Like 'Oh I'm so sorry that happened, that had to be terrible.'
We think, 'No, it wasn't terrible,' or 'I don't know, uh'
It sheds light on something that we have kept in the dark for so long.
And it can be really shocking.
Now to her question about should she tell her therapist not to say those things.
I wouldn't phrase it that way, because this is something that you're going to need to hear and learn to accept.
But you could say something to your therapist to the effect of,
'You know, I'm really struggling to deal with you saying these types of things to me. And could you be a little more careful with it. Or could we talk about that a little more.'
About the phrasing not the stuff obviously.
But it can be really difficult.
And it's mainly around the acceptance of the fact that bad things happened.
And we feel shitty about it.
And it doesn't mean you're defective at all.
It's not a label.
It's just helping you process through what happened.
Okay.
I know that's hard. But it will get easier the more we talk about it.
So I encourage to keep talking about it.
Okay. Question number three, 'Hey Kati, how can you overcome feeling worthless?'
That's a good question.
'Throughout my childhood I was sexually abused by my dad, and my mom did nothing about it.'
'I want to recover, but I don't know how to motivate myself when I feel so worthless.'
Now I did a video, oh I don't even know, a long time ago.
And I told this person in the comment as well to check it out.
And it's called 'Self hatred and how to overcome it'
And I would encourage you to search for that on youtube and watch it.
Because the struggle with feeling worthless has a lot to do with our overall sense of self.
How we feel about who we are.
And it sounds like for this person in particular, we derive that worthlessness over the fact that no one cared to do anything to help us, to save us, to anything.
And we just feel like we are almost invisible, or worthless, or you know not important to anybody.
And we have to start changing the conversation we have with ourselves about it.
Now at times I've had clients when we're trying to work on this, there will be a period of time when it's very normal to feel extreme anger towards them.
Because right now you have anger towards yourself, not at your parents.
Often times when we turn our anger in, that's when we feel anxiety, we feel depression, we can feel worthless, we can have self harm, a eating disorder.
A lot of it is when we turn our emotions in versus expressing them out.
So part of, kind of the 'homework' I would tell you to start working on this sense of worthlessness,
is first of all to recognise that it was not your fault and it's no defect of you or anything reflecting on you.
It's actually the fault of the abuser.
And the fact that another parent knew about it and didn't do anything, that's also their fault.
Because I would hold them accountable.
And I would encourage you to vent that through journalling, your emotions around it.
And I would also encourage you to scream into a pillow, listen to angry music, kick a soccer ball into a cement wall over and over and over.
Try to get some of that anger out.
Because I have a feeling that you'll find there are a lot of other emotions hidden in there.
And it's not just a sense of worthlessness that is the most pourable one, it's just the one that you'r dealing with right now.
After doing that and working on that continuously I would also encourage you to notice and maybe journal or jot down,
what goes on in your mind day in and day out.
Is it put downs on yourself, is it 'I'm so stupid how could I do that?'
What is the we're having with ourselves?
Because that has a lot, like a ton to do with our confidence.
And how we manage things during the day.
So when you notice that you are speaking really negatively to yourself, it can really help for you to focus in on that.
And try to change the conversation.
So when you have something come up, and you think 'Oh, I'm just so stupid. What the hell was I thinking? Blah blah blah.'
Notice and say 'No, I'm not stupid, I made a mistake. I'm human and people make mistakes. And that's okay, I'm going to try again next time.'
We're just trying to make it a neutral, possibly turn it into a positive.
But we want to make sure that it's not a negative.
Okay. Is that clear?
So it's a little bit of homework, and it's going to take time.
But through doing that, you'll find that your recovery.
Because she said that 'I don't know how to motivate myself to recover'.
You'll find that your recovery moves along with it.
Okay.
Now the journal topic today.
Now this is one of my own.
I didn't find any today on facebook.
So maybe people weren't feeling very journal topicy.
But this is something that is really fun to do.
And if we are struggling to find something to write about, I thought this would help.
I have the question.
'What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment to date? And why?
What's your greatest accomplishment?
It could be something as simple as, you know, 'I passed my math test and I didn't think I would'.
It could be something as intense and complex as 'I made decisions to move out of my house and now I live on my own, I have a job.'
It could be anything that you feel is your greatest accomplishment to date.
And then I want to know why.
And then I want you to share it with me.
Tweet it to me, post it on facebook, put it on tumblr and tag me in it, share on instagram, whatever so I can see all the wonderful things you're doing.
And I can be extra proud.
Yay!
Okay. Have a wonderful weekend.
I love you all.
I will see you on Monday.
And on Tuesday I will be on tumblr, so ask your questions there.
Bye!
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