TONIGHT, OF COURSE, WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
NOW OBVIOUSLY, WE TAPE THIS SHOW EARLIER IN THE DAY, SO WE DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED YET.
IF YOU HAD TO GUESS, REGGIE, WHAT HAPPENED IN THE DEBATE?
>> Reggie: TRUMP SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
BUT KEPT SAYING IT ANYWAYS, AND THEN BIDEN WAS, WHAT ARE YOU,
SOME JIVE TURKEY?
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IMAGINE IF WE TUNE
IN TONIGHT AND JOE BIDEN DOES SAY, WHAT ARE YOU, SOME JIVE
TURKEY?
( LAUGHTER ) IT WOULD CEMENT WHAT I'VE ALWAYS
THOUGHT IS REGGIE TRAVELS BACK AND FORWARD THROUGH TIME.
>> Reggie: YES.
>> James: I DO BELIEVE IT.
I DO.
WELL, DONALD TRUMP'S TEAM WASTED NO TIME GOING ON THE OFFENSIVE
TODAY.
AHEAD OF THE DEBATE THIS MORNING RUDY GIULIANI WENT ON "FOX
& FRIENDS" AND CLAIMED JOE BIDEN IS UNWELL.
>> THE MAN HAS DEMENTIA.
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
I'VE TALKED TO DOCTOR, HAD THEM LOOK AT 100 DIFFERENT TAPES OF
HIS FIVE YEARS AGO AND TODAY.
>> THE BIDEN PEOPLE SAY HE'S FINE.
>> WELL, WELL, WELL, HE CAN'T RECITE THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
AND HE'S FINE?
>> Reggie: WOW.
>> James: I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO JULIAN, IT'S HARD TO ARGUE WITH
BUAWAAWA!
LOOKS LIKE HE GOT BUSTED BY SCOOBY AND THE GANG.
I LIKE WHEN HE SAID I'VE TALKED TO DOCTORS.
THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO WEAR MASKS, SUDDENLY DOCTORS ARE
EXPERTS AGAIN.
I AM CERTAIN RUDY GIULIANI HAS SPOKEN TO MULTIPLE DOCTORS AND
DEMENTIA.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS FAMILY WERE LIKE, NO, NO,
IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
THEY'RE GOING TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
YEAH, YOU WILL BE THERE THE WHOLE WEEKEND!
GIULIANI THEN TRIED TO PRESENT MORE EVIDENCE OF BIDEN'S MENTAL
DECLINE BUT SEEMED TO STRUGGLE A BIT HIMSELF.
>> HE'S BEEN A -- HE'S BEEN -- HE WAS IN A CENTER FOR 160
YEARS.
I MEAN, HE CAN'T DO THE PROLOGS TO THE CONST -- THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES OR THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE OR
ANY OF THEM?
HE CAN'T DO NUMBERS.
THE NUMBERS ARE SCREWED UP.
>> James: I STOPPED LISTENING WHEN HE SAID BIDEN WAS IN THE
SENATE FOR 160 YEARS.
LOOKT AT HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION.
RUDY GIULIANI CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE RUDY GIULIANI SAID THAT.
MAYBE GIULIANI IS RIGHT, 160 YEARS.
WHO COULD FORGET JOE BIDEN'S PIVOTAL WORK TO UNIT THE COUNTRY
DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR?
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE ONLY LIVED IN AMERICA FIVE
AND A HALF ALMOST SIX YEARS.
IAN, EXPLAIN RUDY GIULIANI TO ME.
>> UM -- HE'S LIKE A ONE-HIT WONDER POLITICIAN.
HE WAS KIND OF POPPING IN THE EARLY 2000s, BUT NOW PEOPLE
ONLY CARE ABOUT HIM BECAUSE OF TRUMP.
HE'S LIKE IF KID ROCK WAS A POLITICIAN.
>> James: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK THE RUDY GIULIANI THING
IS?
I THINK IT MIGHT BE A GENIUS MOVE -- I THINK THEY BRING HIM
OUT ON TV RIGHT BEFORE A DEBATE TO MAKE TRUMP LOOK MORE TOGETHER
AND NORMAL.
>> Reggie: OH, NICE.
>> James: PRESIDENT TRUMP DIDN'T SEEM TOO CONCERNED ABOUT
HIS DEBATE WITH JOE BIDEN TONIGHT BECAUSE ACCORDING TO
REPORTS, TRUMP DID ALMOST NO DEBATE PREP WHATSOEVER.
ALMOST NO PREP IS STILL MORE PREP THAN I WOULD HAVE GUESSED.
APPARENTLY, EACH TEAM MADE UNUSUAL REQUESTS HEADING INTO
TONIGHT'S DEBATE AND THOSE REQUESTED WERE VETOED BY THE
OTHER SIDE.
TEAM BIDEN APPARENTLY REQUESTED FOR A BREAK EVERY 30 MINUTES,
WHILE TEAM TRUMP ASKED FOR EACH CANDIDATES' EARS TO BE INSPECTED
FOR ELECTRONIC DEVICES.
>> Reggie: WOW.
>> James: THE SECOND REQUEST WAS REJECTED BECAUSE THEY
COULDN'T FIND A SINGLE PERSON IN THE COUNTRY WILLING TO LOOK
INSIDE DONALD TRUMP'S EARS.
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH I THINK IF YOU LOOK INTO
HIS EARS, YOU WILL JUST SEE RIGHT OUT THE OTHER SIDE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> YES, THAT'S TRUE.
>> James: I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT OVERLOOKED IN THE WRITING
CATEGORIES.
( LAUGHTER ) I ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S THE JOKE
THAT WILL BRING HIM DOWN.
>> THAT'S IT.
IT'S CURTAINS FOR HIM AFTER THAT.
>> James: THEY'LL PROBABLY CANCEL THE DEBATE AFT THAT.
IF THEY PUT THAT UP NOW, THEY'LL CANCEL THE DEBATE.
THEY CAN'T COPE WITH THAT LEVEL OF SATIRE.
>> IT'S TRENDING ON TWITTER NOW.
THE SHOW HASN'T GONE OUT YET, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT HAPPENED,
BUT IT'S THE NUMBER ONE TOPIC.
BIDEN ASKED FOR A BREAK EVERY 30 MINUTES?
HE CAN'T JUST CHECK OUT WHENEVER HE WANTS TO!
WHO DOES JOE BIDEN THINK HE IS, A MEMBER OF OUR BAND?
YOU CAN'T JUST ZONE OUT IN BETWEEN COMMERCIAL BREAK BUMPS.
IN THE PRESIDENCY, IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK EVERY 30
MINUTES, YOU'RE NOT GETTING A SHIFT MANAGER POSITION AT DEL
TACO.
AND BIG NEWS THIS MORNING FOR JOE BIDEN, HE'S BEEN OFFICIALLY
NOMINATED FOR A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
I MEAN, YEAH.
HE SHOULD GET SOME KIND OF AWARD.
HE SERVED 160 YEARS IN THE SENATE.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: FIRST, TRUMP WAS NOMINATED FOR ONE, NOW BIDEN.
HOW EASY IS IT TO GET THESE NOMINATIONS?
I'M STARTING TO THINK GETTING A NOBEL PRIZE NOMINATION SEEMS A
LIT LIKE AN INSTAGRAM CHALLENGE.
WHO ELSE DESERVES A NOBEL PRIZE NOMINATION THIS YEAR, IAN?
REGGIE?
>> Reggie: PROBABLY CINDY LAUPER.
>> James: YEAH, GO ON.
>> Reggie: YOU MEAN SOMEONE ELSE?
>> James: NO, I MEAN WHAT'S SHE DONE THIS YEAR?
>> Reggie: OH, GOSH -- >> James: RETROSPECTIVELY.
>> Reggie: SHE'S JUST DONE A LOT.
SHOWN HER TRUE COLORS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN.
>> Reggie: SHE JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN.
WE NEED THAT.
>> JAMES: AND WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD AFRICAN RAT WAS RECENTLY AWARDED A PRESTIGIOUS
MEDAL FOR HIS WORK DETECTING MINES AND EXPLOSIVES IN
CAMBODIA.
THE RAT WAS GIVEN A MEDAL.
OR AS THE RAT CALLED IT, "NOT CHEESE."
( LAUGHTER ) THE RAT'S LIKE, RIGHT, WHAT DO I
DO WITH THIS?
TH THAT IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE RAT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
AND I ONCE SAW A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT A RAT WHO LOVED TO COOK
AND ENDED UP OWNING HIS OWN RESTAURANT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE EXPLOSIVE-DETECTING RAT
WAS REALLY MODEST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THE RAT SAID HE THINKS NOTHING OF PUTTING HIS LIFE ON THE LINE
TO SAVE OTHERS... BECAUSE HE HAS NO CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE HE'S A RAT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SO THE RAT GOES IN AND SAYS, THERE'S MINES HERE OR THERE
ISN'T MINES HERE.
IMAGINE THAT, REGGIE.
IT'S FINE, YOU CAN GO ACROSS THAT FIELD NOW.
YOU SURE?
NO, THE RAT SAID IT'S FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY, WHAT?
THE RAT.
SORRY, HAVE YOU MET NIGEL?
NIGEL SAYS -- ( LAUGHTER )
TOTALLY FINE.
SO I'M GOOD TO GO ACROSS.
YEAH, YEAH YEAH.
BECAUSE -- ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHY DON'T YOU GO?
I CAN'T.
I'M LOOKING AFTER NIGEL.
I'M GIVING HIM A MEDAL LATER.
GO ON, YOU GO.
YOU TAKE OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU SEE THIS STORY?
AN AIRLINE IS NOW SELLING OFF USED DRINK CARTS FROM THEIR
RETIRED 747 AIRSPACE.
YOU KNOW THE BIG CARTS THAT ROLL DOWN THE AISLES?
THEY'RE FULLY STOCKED WITH DRINKS AND SOLD FOR $685 EACH.
GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE ON THE HUMP OF A METAL BOX
FILLED WITH CANS OF EXPIRED TOMATO JUICE.
MAKES A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER THAT STARTS WITH, KEVIN,
WE'RE ALL A BIT CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS NICE, FOR AN EXTRA
$50, THEY'LL BRING IT TO YOUR HOUSE AND SLAM IT INTO YOUR KNEE
WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP.
( LAUGHTER )