GMAIL'S WHAT I'M ON NOW.
THAT'S THE, UH... OK, YOU GOT THE MOST SPACE FOR
ATTACHMENTS. ANYWAY...
THANK YOU. FEEL FREE TO HIT ME UP IF YOU
REMEMBER THAT NUMBER.
I NOTICED YOU AIN'T WRITE THAT DOWN.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN. THAT GIRL WAS FLY, RIGHT?
SHE AIGHT.
BUT DID YOU SEE THAT LIAM NEESONS
MOVIE WITH THEM WOLVES, THOUGH?
THE ONE WITH THEM BIG-ASS WOLVES AND LIAM NEESONS IN IT?
MAN, LIAM NEESONS IS MY S**T!
OH, LIAM NEESONS
STRAIGHT JACKED UP THEM WOLVES, MAN.
MAN, HE F**KED THEM WOLVES UP, MAN.
YEAH. SHOOT, MAN.
HEY, AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE WHERE
THEY TOOK HIS DAUGHTER.
"STRAIGHT TOOKEN," STARRING LIAM NEESONS!
MAN, LIAM NEESONS ON THE PHONE LIKE,
"I HAVE A CERTAIN SET OF SKILLS."
MAN, DON'T F**K WITH LIAM NEESONS!
NO. DON'T EVEN TRY AND BE RUSSIAN
AROUND LIAM NEESONS. HE'LL TAKE YOUR ARM AND...
[SCREAMING] ...PUT SOME
FRACTURES UP IN THAT. THEY KILLING HIM, MAN. AND
THEN - OH, YOU SEEN THE SECOND ONE, THOUGH?
IN THE SECOND ONE, THE RUSSIANS COME AFTER HIM AND
HE F**KED 'EM ALL UP ANYWAY.
"TOOKEN 2," STARRING THE INCOMPARABLE LIAM NEESONS.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
THAT'S MY S**T. WHAT ABOUT “DARKMAN,” THOUGH?
NO. HUH?
WHAT ABOUT LIAM NEESONS IN SOME
“DARKMAN,” THOUGH? WHAT ABOUT “DARKMAN,” THOUGH?
WHEN LIAM NEESONS'S FACE WAS CHANGING UP, MAN?
HOMEY WAS STRAIGHT FACE-CHANGING.
NOW THAT'S JUST LIAM NEESONS ACTING RIGHT THERE, MAN.
STRAIGHT UP, I KID YOU NOT, ACADEMY AWARD-CALIBER.
CLASSIC NEESONS.
MAN, COME ON, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. I MEAN, LIKE, NEESONS
ALREADY NEED TO HAVE A STATUE.
LIAM NEESONS AIN'T GOT NO - HE AIN'T GOT NO STATUE.
HE - HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.
HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.
NO. NO. NO. NO.
THE OSCAR GOES TO LIAM NEESONS, “DARKMAN.”
F**KING FACE WAS CHANGING!
MM-HMM. WORD. HOW HARD IS THAT?
IT AIN'T HARD, DAWG. IT'S NOT HARD AT ALL.
DAMN! IT'S STUPID.
OH! OH! “BATTLESHIP”?
OOOHHHHHHHHH! “BATTLESHIP”!
OOOHHHHHHHHH! BATTLESHIIIP”?
OOOHHHHHHHHH! “BATTLESHIP”!
...OOOOHHHHH! WHOO!
LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHT KILT
A ROBOT BOAT! LIAM NEESONS IS MY SHIZNIT!
WHOO! BUT YOU KNOW WHO
I LIKE AS MUCH AS NEESONS, THOUGH?
AS MUCH AS NEESONS?
MM-HMM. WHO?
BRUCE WILLY. [SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES] BRUCE WILLY IS MY S**T!
BUT WHAT IF THEY MADE A MOVIE WITH LIAM
NEESONS AND BRUCE WILLY?
[GRUNTING]
NEESONS AND WILLY? WILLY AND NEESONS.
HARDER, MAN. HARDER! [GRUNTING]
THAT WOULD BE...
BOTH: MY S*************T! [EXPLOSION]
DAMN, SHE WAS FLY. SHE AIGHT. YO, MAN.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
YEAH. WHAT? WHY EVERYBODY MESSING
WITH THE BATMAN? PSSSHHH. SEE?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF.
IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU TRY AND MESS WITH THE BATMAN?
IT'S FUTILE. IT IS!
YO, REMEMBER, HEATH LEDGERS TRIED TO?
PSSSHHH. I MEAN, THE BATMAN'S GOT ARMOR.
AND BE DOIN' SOME MARTIAL ARTS
AND MOVES - I SLICE IT! I SLICE IT!
[IMITATES ARMOR DEFLECTING BULLETS]
IT DON'T WORK. I GOT ARMOR. AND THEN MARTIAL ARTS.
COME ON. ALL YOU GOT IS A PURPLE
SUIT AND SOME PANCAKE MAKEUP.
COME ON, MAN. I MEAN, COME ON, MAN! BATMAN!
WHY WOULD YOU... MESS WITH THE BATMAN?
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, MAN. OH, MAN.
OH, REMEMBER WHEN DANNY DEVITOS TRIED IT?
PSHHH. START WALKING AROUND.
TALKING 'BOUT ...
[MAKING PENGUIN NOISES] COME ON, MAN!
I MEAN, THE BATMANS IS A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE WITH A GRUDGE.
YOU JUST A LITTLE FAT MOTHERF**KER
IN A TUXEDO WITH A UMBRELLA.
EXACTLY, MAN. COME ON, MAN.
IT'S LIKE, A PRETEND BIRD CAN'T MESS WITH THE BATMAN!
NO WAY! NO WAY!
OUT OF THE QUESTION, MAN! BUT JIM CARREYS, THOUGH.
PSHH. JIM CARREYS, THOUGH. JIM CARREYS.
- COME ON. "RIDDLE ME THIS, RIDDLE ME THAT, MANS!”
HOW IS ACE VENTURA GONNA MESS WITH THE BATMANS?
WELL PLAYED. WELL PLAYED. HOW IS ACE VENTURA -
WELL PLAYED. "HEY, BATMANS.
I'VE COME TO GET YOU."
[IMITATING WHIPPING SOUND] YAAH!
NOW SEE? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BLOCK
A BATARANG FROM GOIN' IN YOUR BUTT WITH
A CAREFULLY CRAFTED QUERY?
YOU CANNOT. THAT'S HOW.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. HEY. HEY. PSHH.
HEY, PSHH. HEY, PSHH.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS TRIED TO MESS WITH THE BATMAN! MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS, THOUGH. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS TRIED TO MESS WITH THE BATMAN.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS...TRIED TO MESS WITH THE BATMAN.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
GUESS WHAT, MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS? YOU AIN'T A REAL CAT!
COME ON. I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
AIN'T NO WAY YOU GONNA MEOW-SS WITH THE BATMAN.
OH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER THOUGH?
WHAT'S ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TRYING TO DO?
COME ON, MAN.
WHAT IS ARNOLD SCHWARZ -
FEEL THE BURN. FEEL THE BURN. FEEL THE BURN.
[GRUNTING] IT SHOULD BE IN YOUR TRICEPS.
COME ON, MAN! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
YOU CAN'T TURN UP THE AC AND THINK THAT'S
GONNA MESS WITH THE BATMANS.
WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TO THE BATMANS?
GIVIN' THE BATMANS A COLD?
COME ON, BATMANS. GIVING THE BATMANS A SNIFFLE?
MAN, TALKING 'BOUT... BAT LOZENGE. AND YOU'RE DEFEATED.
COME ON, MAN.
YOU KNOW, THERE IS ONE PERSON, THOUGH.
OH, NO, NO, NO. HERE IT COME, NO.
THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO COULD MESS WITH THE BATMANS.
HERE IT COMES RIGHT NOW.
MM-HMM. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S ONE PERSON. HERE IT COMES.
WHO COULD, DID, AND SHALL AGAIN...
HERE IT COMES RIGHT NOW. ...MESS WITH THE BATMANS.
NO, NO, NO. WHOOO!
WHOA, HERE IT COMES.
HE TRAINS THE BATMANS! [SLICING NOISES]
HE GAVE THE BATMANS HIS SKILLS! [SLICING NOISES]
HE'S A MIRROR IMAGE OF THE BATMANS! [SLICING NOISES]
IN FIGHTING PROWESS! [SLICING NOISES]
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT ...
RA'S AL GHUL!
THAT'S RIGHT, THOUGH, RIGHT THERE! MAN!
TALKIN' 'BOUT STRAIGHT-UP RA'S AL GHUL,
PLAYED BY THE INCOMPARABLE... LIAM NEESONS!
SO EVEN WHEN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE BATMANS...
LIAM NEESONS IS MY SH******T!
[GLASS SHATTERING NOISE]
DUDE, I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
WHAT'S UP? LAST NIGHT ON SHOWTIMES,
I SAW SOME... [CLEARS THROAT] ...SOME “LETHAL WEAPON 2.”
“LETHAL WEAPON 2” STARRING THE RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS?
I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU
RIGHT UP FRONT AND TRUTHFULLY, RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS
IS STILL KIND OF MY S**T. [HISSING] HE'S STILL MY S**T, THOUGH.
I DON'T KNOW, DAWG. RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS?
DUDE, I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT THINK ABOUT IT, MAN.
THINK ABOUT IT. REMEMBER WHEN HE JACKED UP
ALL THEM MUTANTS IN “THE ROAD WARRIORS”? TALKIN' ABOUT...
[IMITATING A CAR CRASH]
BITCH WAS LIKE, "THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE BUT SAND."
YEAH. AND THEN REMEMBER
WHEN HE HAD TAKEN THAT HATCHET AND CHOPPED
UP ALL THEM ENGLANDS, REMEMBER, IN “THE PATRIOT”?
AND DID IT IN FRONT OF ALL HIS KIDS?
YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH? RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS
IS STILL MY S**T, TOO!
DAWG. I KNOW. REMEMBER WHEN RACIST-ASS MELLY
GIBSONS WAS BLUE MAN GROUP IN “BRAVEHEARTS”?
OH MY GOD, DAWGS. THEY WAS CHOPPING
OFF MY MAN'S HEAD.
NO, NO, NO, NO! MY MAN WAS STILL TALKIN'
ABOUT... FREEDOOOOM!
OR WHAT ABOUT
“CONSPIRACY THEORIES,” THOUGH?
WHAT? OH, COME ON, MAN. WHAT THE F**K
ABOUT “CONSPIRACY THEORIES,” THOUGH? WHAT THE F**K
ABOUT “CONSPIRACY THEORIES,” THOUGH?
WHAT IS GOING ON? [IMITATING GUNSHOT] COME ON.
YOU KNOW RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS BE DIRECTING, TOO!
HELLS, YEAH. WHAT ABOUT “APOCALYPTO”?
YO - RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS BE TELLING
THE STORY OF
A BUNCH OF CRAZY-ASS OLD-FASHIONED MEXICANS?
WHO HAVE BEEN IN THE JUNGLE GETTIN'
CHASED BY A PANTHER. YUP. YUP. YUP.
MY MAN'S STRAIGHT UP GOING...
[WHISTLING] [IMITATING DRUMS]
[HISSING] [SCREAMING] AND WHAT
ABOUT THAT “PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST,” THOUGH?
“PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST,” THOUGH.
“PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST.”
“PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST,” WHERE RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS MADE
THAT MOVIE ABOUT JESUS IN A KIND OF RACIST-ASS WAY?
THAT WAS ALL MY JAM. AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I JUST REALIZED, THOUGH?
WHAT'S THAT, DAWG? WHAT'S THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE MY S**T?
WHAT WOULD BE YOUR S**T, THOUGH?
IF RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS COSTARRED IN A MOVIE WITH JESUS!
WAIT. NOW, YOU TALKIN' ABOUT THE SAVIOR OF ALL?
THE KING OF ALL KINGS? THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA?
AND JESUS! THAT WOULD BE MY...
♪ SH*********T... ♪
[EXPLOSION] [FIREWORK NOISES]
INTERMISSION!
OH... “OTHELLO” IS MY SHITE!
F**KETH YEAH! “OTHELLO,” MOTHERF**KER!
[MAKING SWORD FIGHT SOUNDS]
F**K. YOU DEAD, WHITE PERSON!
OH, THIS PLAY DOTH SEEM DOPE TO ME, MARTINSIO!
VERILY, LASHAWNIO. VERILY! YO, AND 'TIS ABOUT TIME
SHAKESPEARE DOTH SCRIVEN THE PLAY THAT PLACES
A BROTHER AMONGST THE FIRMAMENTS.
THAT'S MY SHITE! UGGH! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE
CHARACTER? MINE'S OTHELLO.
OH, 'TIS MINE AS WELL. 'TIS MINE AS WELL. MM-HMM.
BECAUSE THEY GOT OTHELLO AS A GENERAL? I KNOW, MAN!
I'M SAYIN' - HELLETH YES.
AND OTHELLO DID THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS
WITH THAT COMELY WHITE MAIDEN, AND DIDST NOT ANYONE
SPEAKETH AGAINST HIM!
MMMM. HE STRAIGHT PIMPIN'!
METHINKS THINGS ARE
LOOKING UP FOR PEOPLE OF THE DARKER HUE.
DAMN STRAIGHT. WHOO!
♪ HEY, NONNY, NONNY, TALKIN'
HEY, NONNY, NONNY ♪
COME ON. OH, UM... MARTINSIO.
HMM? WOULDST THAT I COULD BORROW
A COUPLE OF DUCATS TO PURCHASETH A CAPON FROM YONDER CONCESSION?
PSSHH. MOOR, PLEASE. YOU KNOW
I GOT A CONCEALED CORNISH GAME HEN UP IN MY DOUBLET.
OOH, ALLOWETH ME TO PARTAKETH UP IN THIS BITCH.
OK, OK. GET IN THERE. [BELL RINGING]
THE SECOND ACT IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!
OH. OH. UH-OH! COME ON, Y'ALL. Y'ALL HEARD THE URSHER.
UH-OH. IF I KNOW SHAKESPEARE, OTHELLO'S ABOUT TO KILL
EVERYBODY UP IN THIS BITCH. [LAUGHING]
NO! NO! NO! MM-MM. I HATETH THIS PLAY!
HOW THEY GONNA KILL OTHELLO?
MAN, THAT TRIFLIN'-ASS IAGO, I KNEW HE WAS UP TO SOMETHING.
THEY SHOULD'VE KILT HIM IN THE FIRST ACT.
HOW THEY GONNA KILL OTHELLO?
AND HOW OTHELLO GONNA DO HIMSELF IN WITH A DAGGER?
HOW DOTH THAT HAPPEN?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'. IF A BROTHER KILT
HIMSELF EVERY TIME HE BROKE UP WITH A WHITE
BITCH, THIS WORLD WOULD BE BEREFT OF BROTHERS!
AND YOU'D BE TALKIN' TO A SKULL RIGHT NOW.
OK?
WHERE'S SHAKESPEARES AT? SHAKESPEARES.
OH, OH! HE'S RIGHT THERE. PRITHEE. PRITHEE.
MAKE WAY. PRITHEE. MAKE WAY.
BEGONE, SIRRAH. YOU KILLED OTHELLO!
A BLACK MAN GOT IT GOIN' ON, AND YOU SHUFFLE OFF
HIS MORTAL COIL?
I SAY UNTO THEE, THAT'S A TRAGEDY.
MM-HMM.
OH! 'TIS THAT NOT THE TROUBADOUR
KANYE OF THE WEST?
WHAT? WHERE'S - OH. NO. WAIT.
TRUTH BE TOLD, MY LORDS, 'TIS NOT I WHO PENNED
THIS DREADFUL PLAY -
'TWAS CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE. NAY, NAY, NAY.
YES, IT WAS. NAY, NAY. THOU ALREADY TRIED
TO USE THAT LINE OF ARGUMENT WHEN THE JEWS
WANTED TO KICK YOUR ASS AFTER “THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.”
WE DOTH NOT PURCHASE IT, SLICK WILLY.
WE DOTH NOT PURCHASE IT.
BE CALM, MY GOOD LORDS. 'TWILL NOT BE LONG
BEFORE ANOTHER BLACK HERO
GRACETH THE STAGE. AND NOW IF YOU'LL LET ME TAKE MY LEAVE.
NOT SO FAST. YOU GON' TO WRITE
THAT HERO...NOW.
VERILY THAT, MOTHERF**KER.
THAT JOHN SHAFTE IS ONE BAD MOTHER -
SHUT THAT MOUTH. I JUST SPEAKETH ABOUT SHAFTE.
MMM!
SO, UH, YEAH. I GOT, LIKE, 30-SOMETHING
FOLLOWERS. I'M UP TO, LIKE, 15 TWEETS
A DAY. SO IF YOU WANTED TO, UM, FOLLOW... AIGHT.
NO, NO, NO! NO! WHAT?
THEY HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS! THEY HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS?
THEY STRAIGHT HATIN' ON ANNIE HATHAWAYS.
THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DAWG! I KNOW THAT'S MY GIRL, DAWG!
ANNIE HATHAWAYS FROM “DEVIL WEARS PRADAS”?
THEY HATIN' ON HER. “NICHOLAS NICKLEBYS”?
STRAIGHT HATIN'! “LES MISERABLES”?
“LES MISERABLES”! I'M TALKIN - ♪ I DREAMED A DREAMS, AND DREAMS
GET DREAMED ♪ OH, MAN.
NO, WHAT? WHY YOU BE HATING ON THAT?
HOW DO YOU BE HATING ON THE HATHAWAYS?
I DO NOT KNOW! 'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DAWG!
THAT'S MY GIRL WITH THE - I'VE BEEN ROLLING
WITH THE HATHAWAYS SINCE “PRINCESS DIARIES”!
PSHH. PSHH. YOU WAS THERE SINCE DAY ONE!
MAN, YOU KNOW I BE LOVING ME
SOME “PRINCESS DIARIES 2: THE ROYAL ENGAGEMENT”!
YOU GOT THE BLU-RAY! AND I GOT THAT
ON DVD AND LASERDISC AND VHS, MAN.
PFFT. “RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,” THOUGH.
WHAT? UH-UH.
MM-MM. UH-UH. UH-UH.
“RACHEL GETTING MARRIED.”
“RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,” THOUGH?
“RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,” THOUGH.
YO, DO YOU LOVE ANNE HATHAWAYS?
I DO! COME ON.
[SCATTING MENDELSSOHN'S “WEDDING MARCH”] HATHAWAYS!
COME ON, MAN. AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
ANNIE HATHAWAYS. CRACKHEAD KILLED HER BROTHER!
THAT'S RIGHT. COME ON!
“BROKENBACK.” OK, “BROKENBACKS.”
“BROKENBACKS.”
TALKIN' 'BOUT “BROKENBACK MOUNTAIN.”
THAT'S RIGHT. “BROKENBACKS,” DAWG!
I'M MARRIED TO JAKE JIGGLIN'-HALLS.
UH, JIGGLIN'-THALLS? THANK YOU. I STAND CORRECTED.
SO WAIT, THOUGH. YOU KNOW WHAT? I DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.
THAT WAS NOT MY S**T, THOUGH.
“BROKENBACKS” WAS NOT MY S**T.
BUT SHE WAS GOOD IN THAT. SHE WAS GOOD.
OH, PLAYIN' THAT CONFIDENT TEXAS BUSINESSWOMAN.
TALKIN' 'BOUT STRAIGHT UP, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M STRUGGLIN' WITH MY HUSBAND'S SEXUALITY."
SHE KEPT HER INTEGRITY AT THE SAME TIME AS SHOWIN'
HER BREASTESES.
THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE. THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE.
WHY WAS YOU HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS?
BUT WHY WOULD YOU BE HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS?
CONFIDENT WOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD WHOSE SOLE
CHARACTER FLAW IS THAT SHE CARES TOO MUCH?
SHE CARES TOO MUCH! IT'S THAT SHE CARES
TOO MUCH! YEAH, SHE CARE TOO MUCH!
COME ON! COME ON!
YOU KNOW WHO THEY NEVER BE HATIN' ON?
WHO'S THAT, DAWG? SANDRA BULLOCKSIES.
SANDRA BULLOCKSIES. SHE'S MY GIRL, AND THEY...
THAT'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE. ...NEVER BE HATIN' ON HER.
THAT'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE. STRAIGHT UP THERE.
SANDRA BULLOCKSIES, SHE'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE. STRAIGHT UP.
DO YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD DO A MOVIE TOGETHER, THOUGH?
BUT WHO IS THAT, DAWG? BULLOCKSIES AND HATHAWAYS!
YOU TALKING 'BOUT SOME
HATHAWAYS? AND SOME BULLOCKSIES?
NO! I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT SOME BULLOCKSIES! AND SOME HATHAWAYS!
LEMME JUST EXPLAIN WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT, THOUGH.
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT SOME HATHAWAYS! AND SOME BULLOCKSIES.
NO, YOU RIGHT. BULLOCKSIES! HATHAWAYS!
THAT WOULD BE MY S********T!
OH.
YOU GOOD? YEAH, I'M - I'M GOOD.
I THOUGHT SOMETHIN' WAS GONNA... ME TOO!
...HAPPEN FOR A SECOND THERE.
FIGURED WE WOULD TRANSFORM IN SOME WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.
OK.
THAT WOULD BE MY S**T!
THAT WOULD BE MY S**************T!
[THUNDERCLAP]
HEY, DAWG.
WHAT'D YOU GET UP TO THIS WEEKEND, THOUGH, DAWG?
AH, YOU KNOW ME, MAN. GOT UP ALL UP IN THAT REDBOX.
AH, YEAH? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH? YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHO'S GOOD, THOUGH? WHO THAT, DAWG?
ROBERT DOWNEYS JUNIORS.
ROBERT DOWNEYS JUNIORS, THOUGH, DAWG? WHICH ONE?
WHICH ONE? TONY STARKS, DAWG.
TONY STARKS! YEAH, MAN.
TONY STARKS, IRON MANS? YO.
MY MAN BE BUILDING HIS OWN SUIT AND EVERYTHING? YUP.
AND GETTING ALL WITTY WITH PEPPER POTTSIES?
YUP. YUP. YO, YO, MY MAN'S GOT A GLOWIN' HEART IN THAT ONE.
[IMITATING MECHANICAL HEARTBEATS]
YOU GIVE THAT F**KER A STATUE FOR THAT ALONE!
THAT'S RIGHT THERE, MAN! WHOO!
DEFINITELY, DAWG, YO, BUT YO,
ANOTHER THING ABOUT RD SQUARED REAL QUICK?
GO TO IT. “SHERLOCKY HOLMES.”
“SHERLOCKY HOLMESIES.”
“SHERLOCKY HOLMES.” WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHEN SHERLOCKSIES HOLMESIES WAS IS IN THAT PIT!
YEAH. AND HE WAS FIGHTIN' THAT DUDE. AND HE FIGHTIN' THAT DUDE.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN IN HIS MIND,
HE MADE EVERYTHING GO IN SLOW MOTION.
[SPEAKING IN A BRITISH ACCENT] "I'VE GOT TO DO THIS,
AND I GOT TO DO THIS,
AND THEN, STATISTICALLY, I SHOULD DO THIS."
AND THEN THE CANE. AND THEN HE WENT BACK TO REAL-LIFE SPEED,
AND HE DID IT.
HE WAS LIKE, [IMITATING FIGHT SOUNDS]
WHAT? THAT WAS MY JAM.
THAT WAS MY JAM RIGHT THERE. THAT WAS MY JAM.
HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN USING STATISTICS!
YO, AND THEN REMEMBER THAT ONE SCENE WHERE HE WOKE UP
IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S DAUGHTER'S BED,
AND HE WAS ALL ON DRUGS AND S**T?
OH, YEAH! YO.
NO, NO, THAT WAS RD SQUARED IN REAL LIFE, THOUGH, RIGHT THERE.
IT WAS. IT WAS. IT WAS. IT WAS. THAT WAS REAL LIFE, THOUGH.
HE WAS GOOD IN THAT ONE, THOUGH. HE WAS GOOD.
HE WAS GOOD IN THAT ONE. THAT WAS VERY REALISTIC, YUP.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS GOOD, THOUGH, DAWG?
- WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO? - VALLY KILMERS.
OH, WE TALKIN' 'BOUT VALLY KILMERS RIGHT NOW.
WE TALKING 'BOUT VALLY KILMERS RIGHT NOW, DAWG.
WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
OH, YOU KNOW, VALLY KILMERS IN “TOMBSTONES.” OH, WHAT?
[IMITATING HOOVES CLOPPING] WHAT? COME ON, MAN.
[IMITATING WHIPPING] [IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING]
THAT'S MY S**T RIGHT THERE. DOCKY HOLLIDAYS, DAWG?
OH MY GOD. MY MAN'S TALKIN' 'BOUT...
"I'LL BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY."
OOH, AND THEY WAS UP IN THAT O.K. CORRAL.
TALKIN' 'BOUT - OH, THE SHOOT-OUT? IT'S LIKE...
[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]
- EARPS. EARPS. EARPS. EARPS. - BUCK. BUCK. OK. OK. OK.
OK! OH, YOU AIN'T OK. HA HA!
THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE. THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BOY VALLY KILMERS IN THE “WILLOWS,” THOUGH?
OH. WHAT ABOUT VALLY KILMERS IN THAT “WILLOWS,” THOUGH, RIGHT?
VALLY KILMERS IN THAT “WILLOWS”" DAWG, YO!
WHEN HE WAS MADMARTIGANS,
AND THEY WAS IN THAT MEDIEVAL TOBOGGAN?
TALKIN' 'BOUT, TALKIN' 'BOUT, TALKIN' 'BOUT...
[IMITATING SLEDDING NOISES AND ADVENTURE MUSIC] WHAT?
[IMITATING SWORD FIGHTING NOISES]
AND THE LITTLE LEPRECHAUN, TALKIN' ABOUT - “YOU ARE GREAT.”
HE WAS MAGICALLY DELICIOUS, DAWG!
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS, DAWG. THAT WAS MY JAM.
OH, BUT WHAT ABOUT VAL KILMERS IN “THE SAINTS”?
OH, VALLY KILMERS IN “THE SAINT.”
VALLY KILMERS IN “THE SAINT,” THOUGH. WHAT?
WHEN MY MAN - MY MAN WAS LIKE -
AND - AND THEN - AND THEN HE - AND THEN HE WAS LIKE - AND THEN
I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE.
YO, YO, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REALIZING RIGHT NOW
FOR THE FIRST TIME? WHAT'S THAT, DAWG?
IT'S LIKE, IF THERE WAS A GRAPH OF RD SQUARE...
YEAH, A GRAPH. RIGHT THERE. AND VALLY KILMERS'S CAREERS...
YEAH, YEAH!
RD SQUARED WOULD START DOWN HERE.
RIGHT, AND VALLY KILMERS WOULD BE STARTING RIGHT UP HERE.
AND RD SQUARED WOULD GET THIS TRAJECTORY GOING.
RIGHT. AND THEN VALLY KILMERS BE ON THIS TRAJECTORY RIGHT HERE LIKE THIS, RIGHT?
MAKIN' MOVIES, MAKIN' MOVIES, THEY JUST MAKIN' MOVIES.
MAKIN' MOVIES, MAKIN' MOVIES, MAKIN' MOVIES. GETTIN' A LITTLE CRAZY.
JUST GETTIN' A LITTLE DRUGS. JUST GETTIN' A LITTLE BIT OF S -
GETTIN' A LITTLE CRAZY. STILL MAKIN' MOVIES.
AND THEN THEY MEET AT THIS POINT...
...IN THE SAME MOVIE.
WHICH IS WHY...THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME IS...
“KISS KISS... ...BANG BANG”!
“KISS KISS BANG BANG” IS MY S***********T!
[BLASTOFF NOISE]
YO. WHAT'S UP?
“GAME OF THRONES,” THOUGH, DAWG. YOOO. YOU ALL CAUGHT UP?
YO, I TOTALLY BINGE-WATCHED THAT WHOLE THING LAST NIGHT, DAWG!
YO, IT'S COLD-BLOODED UP IN WESTEROS, DAWG.
THEY KILLED MY N**** NED! NED STARKS?
[SINGING THE “GAME OF THRONES” THEME SONG]
YOU AIN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU?
OH, F**KIN' HELL NO. UH-UH!
OH MY GOD. UH-UH.
I MEAN, MY MAN WAS JUST THERE, RIGHT?
AND HE'S TALKIN' 'BOUT - HE GOT DOWN THERE ON THE THING.
LIKE, BLIP! [IMITATING SWORD NOISE]
AND THEN I WAS LIKE, “PSSHH. I AIN'T WORRIED.
THEY AIN'T GONNA KILL MY BOY NED STARKS!”
SLIT! AND THEN PLOP! I WAS LIKE...
[SCREAMING]
YO, I TOLD YOU, THEY COLD-BLOODED UP IN THERE!
AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "BUT THAT'S OK,
BECAUSE I STILL GOT MY N**** KHAL DROGOS."
BIG DAVE NAVARRO? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BIG DAVE NAVARRO? WIDDLY-WIDDLY-WIDDLY WIDDLY-WOW!
YEAH. THAT DUDE PICKED UP SOME MOLTEN GOLD,
POURED IT ON N****S' HEADS! [SCREAMING]
"I WANT TO SLEEP WITH MY SISTER!"
YO. AND HE KILLED HIM, RIGHT?
I MEAN, HE BIG, LIKE HERCULES AND EVERYTHING.
I'M LIKE, YOU CAN'T KILL KHAL DROGOS WITH A PAPER CUT.
AN INFECTED SCRATCH UP ON THERE? AN INFECTED SCRATCH!
BUT HE GOT STRAIGHT... KILT!
YO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IS, DAWG?
WHO'S THAT, DAWG? WHO'S THAT, DAWG? PSSST. KHALEESIES. KHALEESI.
YOU KNOW I BE LIKIN' SOME KHALEESIES, DAWG.
BUT WHAT ABOUT KHALEESIES STRAIGHT-UP WITH THEM DRAGONS?
OH, IT'S... KHALEESIES WITH THE DRAGONS.
AND KHALEESI'S ALL LIKE THIS. AND THEN WE TALKIN' 'BOUT...
[IMITATING DRAGON SCREECHING]
WHOOSH! JUST STRAIGHT ROASTIN' GOATS!
YO! OH MY GOD. MAN! AND THAT'S WHEN THEY START
KILLING CHARACTERS LEFT AND RIGHT, DAWG!
AT THE WEDDING? YO, AT THE WEDDING!
ROBB STARKS. WHAT?
HIS WIFE. WHAT?
THEY GOT HIS MAMA! YO!
KILT! KILT! KILT! KILT!
THAT WAS A FOUR-FOR-ONE, DAWG. FOUR-FOR-ONE UP THERE, DAWG.
THAT'S A STRAIGHT FOUR-FOR-ONE, DAWG. FOUR-FOR-ONE UP IN THERE.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY GOT WILDLINGS GIRL?
TALKING ABOUT... "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW."
SCREEK! GUH!
KILT! WHAT ABOUT THE HOUND, THOUGH?
YO! THE HOUND!
"AH, I'M FALLING DOWN THE HILL!"
[WAILING]
"KILL ME! YOU'VE GOT TO KILL ME!"
"NO!" KILT!
SLOWLY, BY OMISSION. BINGO.
YO, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MAN TAIWAN LANNISTERS?
TAIWAN LANNISTERS. TAIWAN LANNISTERS!
WHAT ABOUT TAIWAN LANNISTERS, DAWG?
YO, MY MAN TALKIN' 'BOUT, "I'M TAKING A S**T.”
HE'S LIKE... OW! KILT! BY HIS OWN SON.
WHAT? THE DINKLES.
[GASPS] THE DINKLES. THE DINKLES, THOUGH. THE DINKLES.
THE DINKLES! THE DINKLES IS MY JAM. CAN'T NOBODY KILL THE DINKLES!
THE DINKLES IS MY JAM, MY JELLY,
MY PEANUT BUTTER AND MY PEANUTS.
DINKLES. THE DINKLES. DINKLES, THOUGH!
DINKLES IS MY S****************T!