- The show is, what is the show called?
- This is called "Big Fat Whores Doing Lots Of Stuff."
- "The Adam Project." -Oh.
- Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel - And I'm Katya.
- And we are two Queens who like to watch.
- Yes we are, have always been, and probably will always be.
- And today we're watching this film called
"The Adam Project,"
an exciting, extremely star-studded, sci-fi fantasy,
'save the world' style film.
- Not to be confused with "The Madam Project,"
which is a documentary about me whoring out my sisters.
- You love TVs and movies?
- Yes!
- You really have trained your whole life for this.
This is your Olympics.
- Mama. This is my Olympics. - Getting in drag.
- And yet I will still complain about it.
(laughter)
- Your job is to dress beautiful in good lighting
and watch television?
- "Yes and it's very stressful."
- It is. The first part's really tough.
- As usual, spoilers ahead.
Because, to talk about the movie-
- We gotta tell you what happens (laughs)
- We gotta tell you what happens.
- That's how it works, baby.
- We should try to do a version of this show
that's spoiler-free one day.
And we're like, "All right, someone's doing something."
- "Oh, there is activity taking place."
- Oh!
(laughter)
- Do you know what we are?
We're the cinephile's Cliff Notes.
- Oh my God, we are.
- So buckle up baby, and let's crash land into this film.
(upbeat music)
- [Katya] Ryan Reynolds. Double R.
The Rolls-Royce of Ryans.
- He's just so beautiful and so funny in everything.
I just love him.
Some guys you can tell, even though they're not gay,
- They'd get two fingers up their ass.
- They're cool with the gays.
- Not that. - Oh, okay.
- That they're cool with the gays.
I think Ryan would be cool with the gays.
- Of course he's-
I think he's cool for the summer.
(laughter)
- Can I ask a question?
What do you think about my footwear today?
- I think it's horrible.
- I live.
- I think it's horrible.
That runner and this hole is really the-
(Trixie laughs)
I know.
- Play the the movie quick.
(retro video game sound effect)
- [Katya] We're in the year 2050, which is just a hop, skip,
and a jump from now, to be honest.
- [Trixie] Yeah. You won't be there.
- No. (laughs)
- Just so we're all clear.
One of us will be there. - Yes.
Not you, the chainsmoking Crypt Keeper.
- Excuse me!
Smoking has a pickling effect, okay?
It's like vinegar, salt, and onions.
- They do say formaldehyde is in cigarettes.
- Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi.
2050. Here we go.
Our lovely Ryan Reynolds steals a space jet
and he escapes through a time portal.
Wickety bopity boopity,
- This movie's all already relatable.
Oh, he's bleeding! - Oil! Oh.
(laughter)
- He's covered in Hershey's Syrup.
(Katya laughs)
- I think it's pretty obvious I'm stealing this jet.
- It's tough, stealing a space jet.
You got all those buttons.
- The stakes and the technological proficiency of this,
this is like me trying to set my Ring alarm at night.
(laughter)
Like, I could never figure any of this out.
(intense music)
(lasers shooting)
- Oh, that's pretty. Wormhole!
- He's going through a fleshlight.
- Wormhole.
- Oh, a jelly bean.
- Oh, cinnamon swirl.
(lasers shooting)
- Well, he escaped, For now. - Love wormholes, by the way.
- You do? What is it? - Oh. I can not get-
Well, it's like, so, you know,
if you're traveling from here to here,
it's like, boop, when the space bends
to allow you to go through a tunnel.
- It’s a shortcut. - Is it real?
- I think so. Oh, M87? Girl I could talk for hours.
(retro video game sound effects)
- All right, so now we're in 2022,
and a little boy also named Adam is being bullied at school
like you do. - Mhm.
- And his mom, Jennifer Garner,
comes through for some support.
- Anything else you wanna say?
- Actually, I-
- Oh my God. A punch? - Do kids do this?
- No, they don't throw a punch like that.
They're doing messy stuff.
- It's ripping shirts, right?
It's ripping shirts - Ripping shirts.
There's none of, like clean hooks. Nobody's doing that.
Nobody's taking boxing lessons in seventh grade.
- And you know what else about fights in real life?
- What?
- People are on the ground instantly.
- Instantly. They never land punches.
- They never land clean punches.
- And they're pulling t-shirts.
- Yes.
- Shut up, Chuck!
(child grunts)
- Jesus.
- Right in the diva cup. - In the nuts?
- In the diva cup.
- Oh! Why is it that all kids with asthma
get bullied in high school?
- I don't know.
- What is it? That trope in movies, I just don't get it.
Respiratorily vulnerable.
You better get him, Garner. Get him.
- You ever get beat up in school?
- Hell no. I beat everybody else up.
- Yeah.
- No, I told you one time some guy said,
"I'm gonna fight you after school."
And I said, "I don't think so."
- "I don't wanna do that."
(laughter)
I don't wanna plan a fight. Get outta here.
- This goes on your permanent record. Do you get that?
Do you care about your-
- That doesn't go on your permanent record.
- I don't think so. - No, he's in sixth grade.
If people looked at my permanent record
and they really checked some references,
they would realize there is no Trixie Mattel.
(Katya laughs)
(retro video game sound effects)
- So big Adam goes to little Adam's house
and they meet each other.
- How do you know my name?
- [Trixie] Ryan Reynolds is so beautiful.
- [Trixie] And you know he's like 6'5"?
- I'm sure he is.
'Cause he actually made a very graceful transition
from douche to leading man.
- I'm not talking about his career path.
I'm talking about his (bleep)ability through the ages.
- But his (bleep)ability has enhanced
because of his leading man status.
- Yeah you're right. - He's personable. He's funny.
- He's a superhero now, right?
- Yes.
- Who is Ryan Reynolds with now?
- Blake Lively, I believe.
- Oh, I can't compete with that.
- No, you cannot.
- Well. Lemme just have another shot of donut here
(Katya laughs)
And see what goes on.
- You're me?
- God, I don't wanna run into my little self.
- No (bleep). - Girl, (bleep).
- Like, "Girl, what is that middle part?
And what are you doing?"
- Get back in the house before our mother gets home
and don't make it weird.
- The equivalent of that would be like me and like-
- Elle Fanning or Dakota Johnson?.
- No, because I'm the young one.
(Katya laughs)
Like Anya Taylor-Joy could play my mom
(Katya laughs)
because I was her muse in "Uncut Gems."
- Of course.
(retro video game sound effects)
- [Katya] Adam goes to a bar and sees his mother there.
What a relatable, awkward situation.
- I'm not impressed.
It'd be hard for me to go to a bar
and not see my mother there.
(Katya laughs)
I love Jennifer Garner. - [Katya] Do you?
- How beautiful. The dimples, the eyes.
Everytime she does that commercial, "What's in your wallet?"
I'm like, "That is a good question."
(Katya laughs)
She's wholesome.
She is going to a bar and ordering white wine though,
which I do think is jail.
- Oh, why? Why is that?
- A bar like this with a neon sign?
- They're gonna serve you
white wine that comes in a cup that you peel the top off,
or like a can of wine.
- It's been a rough day. Year. Couple of years.
- [Katya] Aww.
- This bartender right now is like,
"Oh God, I gotta go get ice. I gotta do bar fruit."
(Katya laughs)
- I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.
- You're not doing anything wrong.
- [Trixie] Oh God. He's gonna hit on his mom.
- No, he's not. No he's not
- No, his mom's gonna like him, like "Back to the Future."
"Calvin." Oh, I hate this.
- You should say you're gay right away.
Be like, "Oh sorry, hunty. I'm a gay."
- "Diva, do you need me to help fix your hair and makeup,
diva?"
- "Oh hunty, those bangs are serving tea. Fierce."
- "Let's go to Charlotte Russe, diva."
- Boys always come back for their mamas.
- Sounds like you're speaking from experience.
- Even if I tried to grow a beard
to cover my disgusting face, it wouldn't grow in like that.
- No, it'd be three whiskers all like tangled up.
- The hair would spell the word "ugly."
(Katya laughs)
It would grow into little cornrows that say, "ugly."
And I just be like-
- I don't wanna be weird. - Well, too late.
- These actors we are seeing on television.
They look like beautiful, - They look like people.
- Timeless human beings. - They look like people.
- I wanted to get Voluma in my cheeks,
and my skin person said I needed to lose more weight.
(Katya laughs)
- Your healthcare providers do nothing but read.
- Oh. Read! Read!
- Do nothing but read. Dentist, (bleep) rips you to shreds.
- I said, "Can I get Voluma right here?"
He goes, "Why don't you get to your goal weight?
And then we'll talk about it."
"Okay. Great."
(retro video game sound effects)
- [Katya] Big Adam's got plans
to go try to save his dead wife,
but little Adam doesn't agree.
- You'll feel differently when you meet her.
- [Katya] Someone's after him, I feel like.
What's that? Selfie Stick?
- Grab that bag. Get ready to run.
- Why?
- Oh (bleep) - Oh, Robocop.
- Oh my God! - Oh wow.
- Oh my God. He punched a metal helmet.
- Ouchies. - Oh my God.
- [Katya] Ooh, cattle prod.
- In the future, you're a badass. That's fun.
- [Katya] Yeah.
- [Trixie] I'd be dead.
- Ooh. That is kind of cool.
I love that there are no guns though, that's fun.
- 2050's gonna be lit.
It's such a bummer you won't be there.
(Katya laughs)
I'm gonna be (bleep) around like this.
(whooshing sounds)
(machinery whirs)
In the future, microwaves are huge.
(Katya laughs)
And that's one of the big downers.
- That's Christos.
Ouchie, with the face.
- Oh, he must be a bad guy 'cause he has to have
a disfigurement on the face.
- Adam. Before this goes in any further, let's just-
- Oh, Catherine Keener!
- Work (bleep). - (bleep) me up!
I would let her kill my whole family.
I love her so much. - She wants to.
She talks about it in every interview.
- I love her so much.
- They, say, "What do you wanna do next?"
And she goes- - "I wanna kill those (bleep)"
- "Kill Katya's whole family."
(explosion)
(Trixie gasps)
- All right!
Oh wait, is that her?
Zoe Saldaña, lovely gal.
(energy blast erupts)
- What's not gonna help him is growing up in a family
where the whole home was ruined.
- I know.
- And they have to live outside.
(Katya laughs)
(woman grunts)
- The love of his life is alive and she's whooping (bleep).
- And they are working together as a great team.
- What are you doing here?
- Saving your ass, honey. Behind you-
- Whoa. Oh my God! - Fun.
- Wow. Look at the effects. This is so cool.
- [Katya] I love it when married couples work together
in a violent way. - [Trixie] Mr. And Mrs. Smith.
- It's just so sexy. You get north, I get south.
(dramatic music)
Bam bam bam bam.
- And then I get to say this eventually: "I'm almost out."
- Okay, okay. Here's some more. Here's some more.
- And then you throw me bullets
and you say, "Make them count."
- Do you have any sour cream and onion chips?
I'm really hungry. - Oh yeah!
(Trixie makes throwing sound)
(Katya makes chewing sounds)
- There's an Orange Julius. Cover me.
- Okay. (makes gun sounds)
- Yeah.
- See? We'd die in about 12 seconds.
(Trixie laughs)
- [Katya] So Laura catches Adam up on what she's been up to
since they last saw each other.
I thought she was dead.
I guess we'll see what's going on.
- She wasn't dead. She was with Tupac.
- Oh my God.
- And Amelia Earhart.
Oh, she's got a swan-like neck, model neck. Gorgeous neck.
- I found you.
- Actually she found him and then saved his ass.
- Yeah, let's not-
- Let's give the women some shots.
- Just like a man. - Yeah. Just like a man.
- [Katya] Just like a rabbit, eating that carrot.
- I'm gonna take my eyes and ears for a walk.
- Precocious children talking like adults. Hate it.
- And eating carrots with a stalk.
- Hate it. Hate it.
Kids are so annoying in real life.
Movies really set kids up to be tolerable.
(Adam slams against the wall)
- Now, answer me this. As a person who has sex,
the whole shoving into the doorways
and violently undressing each other
on your way to the bedroom, does that even happen?
- Not to me. I'm lucky if I can get David off his back.
(Katya laughs)
(retro video game sound effects)
- [Trixie] In an action sequence here,
Adam and young Adam are on the run.
(lasers shooting)
- [Young Adam] Whoa!
- I don't really watch a lot of action movies.
I mean, the kind of action that gets me excited
isn't exactly on screen.
- Yeah. It's "Antiques Roadshow."
(Trixie laughs)
- But then when I do, I live.
- Yeah. - I live.
- "Kill Bill" (bleep) me up.
- But I would like go to the movie theater
to see an action movie.
- I love action movies in real life,
but I love a strong female action lead.
That's what I prefer.
(dramatic music)
(young Adam screams)
- [Trixie] Do you think because I play video games,
I would have some natural ability to fly a ship?
- I think. Yeah.
Versus someone who has no experience with video games, sure.
They certainly do use video game-like simulators in the army
before those- - They do?
- 18 year olds get in the air and then kill people. Yeah.
(rocket engine hums)
- I've always wanted to try this.
- [Trixie] He's a good driver.
- I mean, come on. What are these buttons?
I love the theater of that.
But it's just like a car, you know, you got a shift,
you got a blinker. That's all you really need.
(rocket engine fires)
Ooh, hyper speed.
That takes a lot of fuel though. You gotta be careful.
You gotta be economic with your fuel expenditure.
Wormhole! Go in, Jodie! Yeah.
(ringing sound)
- You know, time travel films are fun because you know-
- Always a dead dad, always a dead dad.
- Always a dead dad.
And also there's always sort of a,
"If I could just go back.
This one thing, my life would be totally different."
- Yeah, let me tell you. That's a crock of (bleep)
- Also it takes the responsibility off the person
to change their life in the present.
- Or to just shift focus and move on.
- Yeah. Stop being poor. - Not to minimize trauma, but-
(Katya laughs)
- Stop being poor. Just stop.
- Stop being poor. And don't be a victim.
Pull yourself up by your boob straps and go own a business.
- Own a business. Get your tits done
and suck a (bleep). Yes.
(ringing sound)
- [Trixie] All right, the Adams are reuniting with the Dadams.
- Yeah! Can't spell Adam without 'dad.'
Oh, you can actually.
What I love about Mark Ruffalo. Perpetually disheveled.
- Oh, just rolled out of bed. - Always.
- Shaved two weeks ago, but has been sad.
- Yeah. - Always.
- Always on the verge of a major depressive episode
or coming out of one.
But the irony of course being that it took about
two and a half hours to create that hairstyle.
(dramatic music)
- Is this time travel?
- Work.
(Katya laughs)
I mean, you know what?
Sometimes you just have to look around and say what it is.
- Yeah. Wait, is this-
- If I ever run into a bald guy,
who's slightly my height and slightly my build,
I'm gonna go, "Is this time travel?"
- Yeah. "Which wormhole did you crawl out of?"
- You can't be here.
You can't be anywhere but your own timeline.
- A little trim.
A little trim and then maybe a little shampoo.
- Hair? - Yeah.
Just a little trim. Clean up the-
- But he's Mark Ruffalo. - That's true.
- He's not starting showering now.
- Yeah.
- The physics fountain in your face.
- Dad!
- Oh my God! Yikes. First of all-
- Familial abuse.
- Can I tell you, that really hurts both people.
- I'm gonna say it hurts the face person more.
Feeling your teeth shift?
- Yeah, but you can break your (bleep) knuckle.
You can break your hand doing that.
- Wait. It already happened?
Somebody already altered time?
Who?
- Sorian.
- Maya? - Maya.
- But she'd never do that. She knows the consequences.
She's been funding my work for years.
- How can smart people be so naive?
- I don't know.
- Nobody's dumping money into developing something
that's not for personal gain.
- Yeah. Or nuclear domination. See?
- I know that when I invented time travel,
it was to stop the Spice Girls from breaking up.
(Katya laughs)
- [Trixie] So, Sorian here,
we're gonna find out what Catherine Keener's
villain story is.
- [Katya] What's the backstory?
- Why do women kill?
- What made you so evil honey? Who hurt you?
- [Trixie] Facially young fantasy.
- [Katya] Oh totally. She got Book Clubbed.
She got Book Clubbed.
- Could you be more evil with this office?
- I know.
- And your buddy, Adam Reed, is about to betray you.
- Adam?
- She's coming from the future to tell her old self
to set herself up for success.
- Yeah.
- Wish I would've done that. I wouldn't be here.
I'd be a manager at the Apple Store on the upper west side.
(retro video game sound effects)
- You're still here?
- We've got Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo
having a little "13 Going On 30" reunion here,
which was ironically kind of another time travel film.
- Isn't that fun?
- "13 Going on 30?" My God.
- Mark Ruffalo, he's got one rule.
We're doing time travel or nothing, baby.
- Yeah.
- [Trixie] I love Mark Ruffalo.
- [Katya] I would sit on his face.
I would let him sit on mine..
After the gym.
(laughs)
- That's him as a child.
That's little little Adam with the mom hair.
- Oh, I just wanted to stay home with you today.
- Does he know he's gonna die?
- We all know we're gonna die.
- He's trying to not ruin the space time continuum.
(retro video game sound effects)
- In the final showdown between good and evil,
big Adam and little Adam come very close to saving the day.
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Adam.
(Trixie laughs)
I don't know about this gay time (bleep).
You wanna save the world, you need to go back to the source.
- I bet in the future, gays just up and leave one day.
It's a mass Exodus. We go to Jupiter.
- Gay rapture to Saturn. - Yes.
- "Let's go to Saturn, Doug."
"Doug, let's go to Saturn."
Like a mini-mall.
There's like a Charming Charlie's.
- There's a jogging lane or a walking lane.
- Yes. - Yeah. Bike lane.
- There's an Aunt Annie's pretzels. - Oh yeah, and a Wetzel's too.
- Yeah baby.
- Were you really gonna steal that from us?
Destroy everything we've worked for?
- You know, I'm not mad at a little, like, CGI fantasy,
'cause it'd be weirder if they looked exactly the same age
and they're trying to pass it off
as like a 30 year difference.
- Yeah. Or she just had like a ton of concealer on.
- You can build age a lot easier than you can gussify.
- Create youth, hello. Thank you.
(ringing sound)
- You know?
I don't think time travel's gonna take all that much.
- I don't think it'll ever happen.
- No, it does happen.
You smoke a little changa, you put on the earphones,
eye mask, and woo.
- Yeah. - You know.
- You don't need to time travel, you can just vape.
- That's what I'm saying. - Just vape.
- That's what I'm saying.
- You're like, puff, puff. - Mushrooms.
- "Oh this ain't that hard."
Puff, puff. "Oh, let's see what's on TV."
Puff, puff. "Oh, I'm not in this movie.
I thought it was in the movie."
(retro video game sound effects)
- [Trixie] All right, so the Adams are gonna hear the words
they always wanted to hear from their dad.
- What is it? "I love you"?
- "Plinko." - Oh, "Plinko." "Yahtzee."
- "Yahtzee. Bingo."
- You're amazing. I love you.
- He's getting it all in. He's carbo-loading.
- He's carbo-loading! His protein window closes in an hour.
- Yeah. (Katya laughs)
- The kid's like, "What about me (bleep)?"
The hand is on the butt, I know it.
(Katya laughs)
- I don't have the emotional bandwidth to like receive
any of that stuff.
- You would start laughing or something.
- I would start laughing. I would just leave the room.
(ringing sound)
- Oh my God, Trixie!
You know what this movie sure does have everything.
- Children. - Adults.
- Spaceships. - Earth.
- Time travel. - Wormholes.
- Ryan Reynolds. - Catherine Keener.
- Jennifer Garner. - Tearful reunions.
- Mark Ruffalo. - Zoe Saldaña.
- Exploring the drama of your past.
- Oh, and all kinds of schemes, scams and machinations.
- And it was funny. - It was funny.
- It was funny. - It was funny.
- And that's what we need now.
- [Together] More than ever.
- So go check out "The Adam Project" on Netflick.
- Bye. - Bye.
(laser sounds)
- Wait. I'm young. I'm old.
I'm young. I'm old.
- This movie is based on you and the baby filter.