[ Cheers and applause ]
-First show, y'all!
Deejay, Daniel, tell me how you are feeling.
Are you hyped?
-My life has changed,
and I can't believe it, honestly.
-I'm so...
-I just want to start the show the right way,
and you know what the right way is?
With gratitude.
We got to take a moment to be grateful
for this amazing audience we have.
Give yourself a round of applause.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I want to sincerely thank every person watching at home
that has ever supported me. Thank you so, so much.
This is not just my show. This is our show.
And we are on this ride together.
So thank you so, so much.
-Hey, Lilly.
Hi. Is now an okay time?
-Hold on, wait! Rainn Wilson!
What are you doing here?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey.
-Come sit, please! Oh, my God!
-Hey, how are you?
-What a surprise! What are you doing here?
-Oh, man, I just wanted to stop by
and congratulate you on all your success.
I mean, God, her very own talk show!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you!
-Amazing. I also wanted to bring you a gift.
Now, I know most people bring wine or flowers
and things like that, but I wanted to bring you
something really special.
-That is so sweet of you.
-Here you go.
-Thank you, but what is it?
-It is an official Rainn Wilson white noise machine.
I'm broadening my business horizons.
-Oh, cool. A white noise machine.
Yeah, I've seen these before.
They make, like, calming noises
like rain and birds and things like that, right?
-Well, yeah, sort of.
This one's a little bit different.
-Oh, okay. Should we just try it?
-Yeah, give it a try. Go ahead.
Mm-hmm.
[ Thumping ]
-What is that? I don't recognize that sound.
-It's Birkenstocks!
[ Laughter ]
Birkenstocks walking across the floor of an REI
to go buy a Patagonia jacket.
-Oh.
-It's a white noise machine.
-Okay, I get it. I get it. Okay.
I get that.
-It's a white noise machine.
Here, now, you're gonna love this.
Check this out, okay?
[ Glasses clinking, indistinct conversations ]
-I don't know what that is.
-It's brunch at a farm-to-table restaurant
in a quaint neighborhood in Brooklyn.
[ Laughter ]
They source amazing root vegetables
and, get this, quail.
-Ooh. That's really white.
-Very white. I love quail. Love it.
-I'm sure you do.
-Okay, let's try this one. Here we go.
[ Hiss, liquid pouring ]
-Ooh, this one's kind of relaxing.
-Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
-Yeah.
-It's the sound of a homemade craft beer
being poured into a pre-chilled imported beer stein.
It's a white noise machine.
-Okay, okay.
-See? Okay.
-I want to try another one.
I want to try another one.
[ Whooshing ]
-What is that?
-That is the sound of a white girl
getting vacation braids the minute she lands in St. Thomas.
-Yeah, of course. That's the most white thing you can do.
-The most white thing ever, right?!
Yeah, okay, let's do another one.
Here we go. Here we go.
[ Buzzing ]
-Ooh, what is that?
-That is the sound of someone getting a tattoo
of a Japanese character on their wrist
that they think means "Peace,"
but actually means "Broken dishwasher."
-That's super white.
My friend Becky got a tattoo
that she thought said "Love,"
but it turns out, it says "Foot."
[ Laughter ]
-That's so Becky!
-Let's try one more. One more, one more.
-Oh, Becky. Here we go.
[ Siren wailing ]
-That's a siren.
-Yeah, it's the police.
The police are here to protect us.
So everyone knows that everything is gonna be okay
when the police show up, so I listen to that,
and I just feel so soothed, you know?
[ Laughter ]
-I don't think everyone feels that way.
-No? Really? So, what do you think?
-I mean, well, it's definitely the whitest noise
I've ever heard. Are there any other sounds?
-Well, there's one more good one.
...and we had this idea, which is well Nylon...
-Is that a podcast?
-Yeah, it's my podcast Metaphysical Milkshake.
It premieres on Luminary on September 25th because it's a...
white noise machine.
-I get it. Rainn Wilson, everybody!
Thank you so much.
-Doubles as a vibrator.
-Sick.
-Goodnight, everybody.
-Sick.