>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
CALL LIN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
THE MEDIA IS BEGINNING TO QUESTION IF DONALD TRUMP KNOWS
WHAT HE'S DOING. [ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP HAD COMMUNICATION WITH THE PRESIDENT OF TAIWAN WHICH
VIOLATES A LONG-STANDING AGREEMENT BETWEEN THE U.S. AND
CHINA. IN FAIRNESS THE PRESIDENT OF
TAIWAN CALLED HIM. AND ALSO THERE'S NO WAY DONALD
TRUMP KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIWAN AND CHINA.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE PROBABLY THINKS ONE MAKES HIS
HATS AND THE OTHER MAKES HIS TIES.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT DID SURPRISE ME IS THAT
TRUMP WOULD ACTUALLY ANSWER AN UNKNOWN PHONE NUMBER.
THAT GUY HAS LIKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN DEBT.
I OWE CHASE $1,100 AND WHEN I SEE A NUMBER I DON'T RECOGNIZE,
I ANSWER THE PHONE IN A TAIWAN KNEELS ACCENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS WEEK DONALD TRUMP BEGAN
WHAT HE'S CALLING A THANK YOU TOUR OF THE COUNTRY.
WHILE HURRICANE I ASSUME IS PLANNING MORE OF AN F-U TOUR.
TRUMP IS HOLDING VICTORY RALLIES IN ALL THE PLACES THAT HELPED
HIM GET ELECTED. LIKE OHIO, PENNSYLVANIA, RUSSIA,
THE FBI, WIKILEAKS -- AND HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN
HEADQUARTERS. BY THE WAY, I THINK THAT A THANK
YOU TOUR MIGHT BE THE TRUMPIEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.
HE'S SO EGOTISTICAL THAT HIS IDEA OF SAYING THANK YOU IS
HAVING THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SHOW AND UP CHANT HIS NAME.
THAT'S NOT HOW THANK YOUS WORK. THAT WOULD BE LIKE STARTING A
CHARITY BUT INSTEAD OF HELPING THE POOR, ALL THE MONEY GOES
TO A GIANT PORTRAIT OF A GUY WHO STARTED THE CHARITY --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT OF COURSE DONALD TRUMP IS
ON A THANK YOU TOUR. THAT'S HIS ELEMENT.
HE LOVES HAVING A BIG AUDIENCE. THAT'S WHY HE'S CONSTANTLY ON
TWITTER. YOU THINK HE LIKES HAVING DINNER
WITH MITT ROMNEY? BY THE WAY, WHY DOES MITT ROMNEY
LOOK LIKE AN INSTAGRAM MODEL BEING FORCED TO TAKE A PICTURE
WITH THE MAN WHO JUST BOUGHT HIM A NEW BUTT?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS WEEK DONALD TRUMP
TWEETED ABOUT FLAG-BURNING AND VOTER FRAUD, WHICH SOME THINK
WAS JUST TO DISTRACT THE MEDIA FROM MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES.
BUT IF THEY'RE WORRIED HIS TWEETS ARE GETTING TOO MUCH
ATTENTION THEY SHOULD JUST REPORT THEM IN THE MOST BORING
WAY POSSIBLE. THE WAY THEY REPORT A WEATHER
FORECAST. WATCH.
>> THIS MORNING TRUMP'S TWEETING ABOUT VOTER FRAUD WITH SCATTERED
RETWEETS IN THE AFTERNOON. THEN AT 3:00 A.M., A 90% CHANCE
OF A TWEETSTORM ABOUT ROSIE. THIS HAS BEEN "TWEETS ON
THE 1s." >> SEE?
NO ONE CARES ANYMORE. >> PROTESTERS CONTINUE TO GATHER
AT STANDING ROCK INDIAN RESERVATION TO STOP THE
CONSTRUCTION OF THE DAKOTA ACCESS PIPELINE.
THE NATIVES BELIEVE THAT THE OIL PIPELINE COULD CONTAMINATE THEIR
WATER SUPPLY BUT THE OIL COMPANY BELIEVES, NAH.
THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT BEGAN USING RUBBER BULLETS AND WATER
HOSES AGAINST THE PROTESTERS LAST WEEKEND.
AND I KNOW THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT IS A VERY, VERY TOUGH JOB.
BUT AT SOME POINT WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE IN 23-DEGREE WEATHER
SPRAYING SOME NATIVE FAMILY WITH A FIRE HOSE ON THANKSGIVING,
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP AND WONDER, ARE WE THE BAD GUYS?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, I MEAN, AT THIS POINT
IF NATIVE AMERICANS ARE ASKING US FOR ANYTHING, CAN'T WE JUST
GIVE TO IT THEM? WE'VE BASICALLY TREATED THEM
LIKE MILTON FROM "OFFICE SPACE." WE KEEP MOVING THEM TO WORSE AND
WORSE AREAS AND PRETENDING LIKE WE'RE DOING THEM A FAVOR.
AND THIS ONE SPOT IN NORTH DAKOTA IS THEIR STAPLER.
JUST LET THEM HAVE THE STAPLER. AND REMEMBER, AT THE END OF
"OFFICE SPACE," MILTON SNAPS AND BURNS THE ENTIRE PLACE DOWN.
AND OIL, FAMOUSLY FLAMMABLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT WOMEN IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS ARE
MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE A DECREASE IN SEXUAL SATISFACTION.
HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR OWN LESLIE JONES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GREAT TO BE HERE COLIN.
>> HI, LESLIE. WHY DO YOU THINK WOMEN IN
RELATIONSHIPS HAVE TROUBLE SEXUALLY?
>> WELL, BECAUSE MEN DON'T CORRECTLY LEARN HOW TO SATISFY A
WOMAN, COLIN. A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I WAS AT
THE NEW YORK CITY FC SOCCER GAME.
AND SITTING IN MY SECTION WAS A BUNCH OF NEW YORK KNICKS
PLAYERS. THEY WAS ALL 6'9".
BIG OLD HANDS. BIG OLD FEET.
BIG OLD NECKS. BIG OLD CHESTS.
LONG-ASS FINGERS. LONG-ASS --
>> WE KNOW. WE KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING, YES.
WE GOT IT. >> OF COURSE YOU DO, YOU LITTLE
SALTY OYSTER CRACKER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHE JUST CALLED ME A CRACKER. >> YOU THE HEAD OF A CRACKER.
>> OKAY. >> AND I SAW ALL THESE YOUNG
DUDES. YOU KNOW, WHO LOOKED LIKE THEY
WAS BORN AFTER "MARTIN" WAS CANCELED, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING? AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF -- WHAT
A WASTE OF GOOD EQUIPMENT. THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH
IT. BUT I DO.
I GOT 30 YEARS IN THE GAME, HOMIE.
HA HA! SO I REALIZE I COULD HELP THEM.
I COULD COACH THEM. YOU KNOW?
I COULD BE LIKE A "HUNG LIKE A HORSE WHISPERER."
AND I WHISPER TO ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.
I'VE EVEN WHISPERED TO A FEW PONIES.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SIZE
IT IS. DON'T LIE TO US ABOUT WHAT
YOU'RE PACKING. BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO SEE IT
EVENTUALLY. AND IT WILL DISAPPOINT US.
DO NOT PROMISE ME A RACK OF RIBS AND THEN SHOW UP WITH A LITTLE
PENIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYWAY. MOST MEN ARE FINE.
MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO OR THREE YOU MIGHT CALL,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, TRAVEL SIZE. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT EVEN IF THAT'S ALL YOU GOT, OWN IT!
EVEN A THUMB DRIVE CAN HOLD A LOT OF DATA.
[ LAUGHTER ] STEP IT UP IN OTHER WAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> STEP IT UP WITH YOUR HANDS!
>> THE THING MEN ARE LACKING TODAY IS CONFIDENCE.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE CONFIDENCE.
CONFIDENCE IS SEXY. BACK IN THE DAY WE HAD
CONFIDENT, STRONG MEN LIKE THE MARLBORO MAN OR THE BRAWNY PAPER
TOWEL DUDE. OR MR. CLEAN.
YOU KNOW, THOSE WAS REAL MEN. >> I MEAN, THEY'RE LITERALLY NOT
REAL MEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHUT UP. BECAUSE THE ONLY THING WE GOT
NOW THAT IS CHEAP-ASS TRIVAGO DUDE.
HE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME GO TO A DISCOUNT MOTEL ROOM.
OR THAT CREEPY-ASS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
THE ONLY THING OBVIOUS ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE GOT A COUPLE OF
BODIES IN HIS TRUNK. THAT AIN'T SEXY.
AND IT DEFINITELY AIN'T CONFIDENT.
YOU GOT TO HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
AND WHATEVER EQUIPMENT YOU GOT. YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN IT.
YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR EQUIPMENT THROUGH OUR EYES.
SO FOR THE DUDES WATCHING RIGHT NOW, GO GET A MIRROR.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'LL WAIT.
NOW PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN. [ LAUGHTER ]
RAISE YOUR SHIRT UP. DON'T PULL YOUR SHIRT ALL THE
WAY UP, JUST RAISE IT UP, HONEY. PUT YOUR SHIRT UNDER YOUR CHIN
LIKE THIS. TAKE THE MIRROR AND PUT IT IN
FRONT OF YOUR JUNK LIKE THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
TO QUOTE MAYA ANGELOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
"NO MATTER THE SIZE IN BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU CAN STILL
RISE." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE!